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Need Advise....feeling Lost!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020.

  1. Deeptha1

    Deeptha1 Senior IL'ite

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    No I am working women. I also get only 3 or 4 weeks of vacation a year to go to India and spend time with family which ends up with a fight for spending more time at my parents place. Some of my friends who go to India spend only a day or two at in-laws. I usually spilt equally
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Why do you have to do 50:50? Does your husband spend equal time at your parents place? He can take the kids to stay longer at his place when he visits. Do a couple of days here and there when you go.
     
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This comparison is wrong on so many levels.

    What if they ok don't come .Will you able to stick to it ? You cannot black mail your in-laws to get what you want.

    Looks like you have good inlaws. count your blessings. Your thoughts reflect in your action.
     
  4. Deeptha1

    Deeptha1 Senior IL'ite

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    I am not saying they are terrible but I don’t like their attitude of kids only belong to paternal side and just because I married their son, I don’t belong to my parents anymore. I try to do justice as much as I can but no one acknowledges that
     
  5. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    They seem exactly like mine.

    Have cut off all relations except son and daughter. They are extremely loving and caring towards their grand children. The confine their love to this circle and hope that the grand children will confine their love to them and no one else. My ones also fear that my children will get 'influenced' if they talk to wider circle.

    I took this for first visit and then laid the rules. Both set of grand parents are very important and equally important. Thats that. My husband has reluctantly agreed as he knows deep down that what I am saying is fair which differs from what he was taught during the up bringing. He managed to stay with my idea.

    My inlaws expect my sil's son to be close to them and no one else( not even friends).Its been successfully installed but that is not my issue, his parents are ok so I have no interest to be nosey. I don't want it on my children.

    50-50 on the kids is my rule. No arguments, take it and be happy. Next rule - no continuous updates ( on who my children are interacting with)or 'when are you going again' messages... My side have loads of relatives, so they are social and good.
    I also make day visits to my mum on days I am shopping around mums area when I am at MILs place; they know it...When I am at my mum I always invite my in-laws to come over but they don't due to various reasons, but they say its ok for my mum to come over so she visits us for 4-5 days while at in laws and I spend time with her....
    ...So kids get 50-50 while I get a bit more time with my mum.My inlaws are fine with me spending more time with my mum , they just want their share with the kids... which is natural grand parents love. I am ok with the fair share.

    Get your DH understand you first and you BOTH set rules.

    My suggestion:
    Put rules and stand firm. Don't be rude just be firm and fair. Make fair plans .. your mum is only 5 mon away ( mines 1hr away).
    With these set rules, no one will be extremely happy or extremely sad... everyone will be satisfactorily happy.. I think that is good enuf.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2020
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  6. Deeptha1

    Deeptha1 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you so much! That sounds like a plan...one question though...how and when do you think is the best way to convey this to my in-laws..before my travel over the phone or after I reach there In person. I feel like if I do it here over the phone, my husband might blow it in to a big issue and I don’t want that situation before traveling. Please advise
     
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  7. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    On the kids: You can not do it alone without sounding rude I am afraid. You AND your husband must agree first on the 50-50. Will that be possible?.
    Also, on yourself:
    Let your husband know about your plans, no permission asking just politely informed.

    Then you can say to your inlaws ( on phone or on video chat ):'I will be very glad about the kids having exclusive time with you I hope you dont mind me visiting my mum on and off while kids are with you... ' .

    However, do not leave sick, crying kids ... prepare them and leave. Have a good time :) with mum.
     
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Being a daughter-in-law can be much trickier and very stressful for women.

    Women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal. It takes real effort to build relationship with in-laws. Make an honest effort to get to know them; don't insult your in-laws, even behind their backs. Even if your spouse complains about his or her parents, stay quiet. No one likes having their parents attacked. It is not a waste of time.

    Whether you adore your partner's parents or barely tolerate your in-laws, your rapport with them can have lasting effects on your own romantic relationship. In fact, according to new research, it could even predict your odds of having a happy marriage.

    Being close to in-laws tells your DH that Your family is important to me because I care about you. I want to feel closer to them because it makes me feel closer to you.

    Children are closer to maternal grandparents. It’s because the mother (now grandmother) and her adult daughter usually hold a close bond, far more intimate than the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship. That is why it is important to nurture kids relation with their paternal grandparents. So kids can spend time and interact and bond with their paternal grand parents. Children need lots of people to love and support their growth and development. They benefit when they feel a unique love that comes from each of their grandparents.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    Blood is always thicker. period. your kids will be viewed as your husbands kids by his parents and most of the times your kids by your parents.

    threatening and power play will lead to more hurt , which is never good in long run.

    spend 50-50 time , plan activities with in-laws like a small trip with kids. and Explain the same to your spouse in a short respectful way, this is not about your ego or something. bringing emotions with your spouse will lead to more hatred or arguments.

    i understand kids are kids and they feel bored. but these are the right values you as a parent will teach them.

    do not try to be the daughter of your in-laws it never works, it has been 15 years since i got married, my H is still a baby in his mom's eyes and i am a grown woman. you are trying to change a 70s or 80s generation thinking to 2020, it does not work like that.
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your in laws seem exactly like mine. You need a lot of tactful ideas to counter them.

    If their intention is primarily to restrict your time with your FOO, rather than to spend quality time with their grand-kids, then it is something that you need to address immediately.

    My in laws too live in the same locality, and it takes less than 5 mins drive to visit them.
    Yet, they made a lot of fuss when we were in abroad and visiting home.

    This is what worked for us...

    When I visit alone (or with kids), I would spend all my time at my parents' place, but would visit PILs frequently. Have a meal or two, visit their relatives together etc... but would come back to my parents' place at the end of the day.
    Unless there are special events at PILs, I wouldn't feel comfortable staying there overnight without my H.

    If H comes alone (or with kids), he would stay 100% at PILs. Visit my parents or expect them to visit PILs place to spend time with kids.

    If both of us and kids visit as family, we will split certain days at each others place as family. Like first 5 days with PILs, and next 5 days at parents as family, and then me and kids will stay with my parents and H will stay at his parents but visit each other daily, and take kids to both places, go around the city or others place together etc...
    The point is I enjoy my vacation to the fullest, while allowing my H to enjoy his the same.

    PILs would be unhappy that I get to spend lone time with my folks, and are worried whether kids would be brainwashed against them etc... but these are their problems.
    But if they are genuinely interested in being with me and kids, I am more than happy to reciprocate to it. But sadly they are not interested in spending time with me or making anything special to welcome me... rather showing interest only to H and kids, isolating me.
    So, I decided not to waste my vacations anymore.

    If they don't like the mother, sadly they don't get the children... Period.
    Same applies to my side of the people too. They better treat my H, else they too would lose us completely.
     

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