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Need Advise....feeling Lost!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020.

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  1. Jan 9, 2020 #1
    Deeptha1

    Deeptha1 Senior IL'ite

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    Ladies,

    I am looking for some advice here. I am planning to go to India for my cousins wedding but my husband is not very happy with this decision. He thinks if I go to India with my 2 kids, I will use marriage as a reason for not going to my in-laws place and then his parents will feel bad about it

    I have the same problem in every visit to India. My Inlaws wants me to spend the whole vacation at their place. If I go to my parents house, very next day they start saying that they are missing kids and my husband calls me asking me to come back. I am tired of this. They think only paternal grandparents are important for kids

    I make sure to spend equal time at both grand parents house in every visit but my husband doesn’t understand that. He wants me to spend more time at his place. I think his parents complain about me in my absence but they are very nice in front of me

    Do you ladies think it is a good idea to talk to my in-laws and tell them that if this continues, I will stop coming to India?

    please suggest!
     
    Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020
    Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020
    #1
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  2. Jan 9, 2020 #2
    DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Give him a condition, if he spend 50% time in your home with parents, you will also do the same. Rules should be same for everyone. Your parents also miss their grand kids. So be firm and do what you want. Just ignore their complaints.

    You can spend a few days at ILS place after the wedding.Once you convince him he will be OK, I guess. Just make plan to go to India, face the rest once you reach there. Now agree with the above condition.
     
    DDream, Jan 9, 2020
    DDream, Jan 9, 2020
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  3. Jan 9, 2020 #3
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your in-laws and parents live in the same town/city or different? How long does it take to go from parents' place to in-laws' place and is it by car, train or flight?

    Don't assume. They are nice to you, you be nice to them. Maybe they only say "we are missing the kids" and your husband reacts to that by asking you to go back. They are not saying you should come back.

    Laying down conditions like he should spend 50% at your parents' place can backfire. He will say then you go to India only when I also can come. So, no trip for cousin's wedding.
     
    Rihana, Jan 9, 2020
    Rihana, Jan 9, 2020
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  4. Jan 9, 2020 #4
    Deeptha1

    Deeptha1 Senior IL'ite

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    it’s just 5 mins drive by car and that’s the problem. They expect me to come and go often
     
    Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020
    Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020
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  5. Jan 9, 2020 #5
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OK. Are you sure you are doing a fair distribution of your time? Do you spend equal number of full days and nights at their place as you do at yours? Also factor in which set of parents got to spend time with you guys in the U.S. more.

    The best way to deal with this diplomatically is clear division of days between their place and your parents' place. Come up with dates, make them known to all, and don't engage in discussion about the days.

    If after the equal distribution, they still they call you up and say 'come over to meet x,y,z' or husband tells you to go to their place more, then, quietly say no I can't, sorry. Don't offer detailed reasons. Keep you reply polite. Say yes it is so tough to find enough time... short trip.. etc etc.
     
    Rihana, Jan 9, 2020
    Rihana, Jan 9, 2020
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  6. Jan 9, 2020 #6
    Deeptha1

    Deeptha1 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana! That sounds like a good way to deal with this. Problem is me and kids will not have anything to do there. They don’t have friends or relatives coming over, don’t plan to take us out or keep us entertained...it’s only cooking and eating. Kids get bored but they still don’t care...it’s the opposite in my parents place...lot of people around, kids have company to play etc. I feel like I am wasting my vacation when at Inlaws place and I want them to know that
     
    Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020
    Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020
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  7. Jan 9, 2020 #7
    Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't make empty threats. Consider saying this only if you are willing to stop going to India. Are you really ready to forgo visits to your parents?

    If your in-laws haven't discussed this with you, I don't think you should bring it up with them at all.

    Instead, have a rational discussion with your DH. What is his reasoning for wanting you to spend more time with his parents than with yours? Both sets of grandparents are equally important for children. Your feelings should be as important to him as his parents' feelings are.

    Good for you! This is the right thing to do. Don't back down.
    .​
     
    Amica, Jan 9, 2020
    Amica, Jan 9, 2020
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  8. Jan 9, 2020 #8
    Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    This may be why seeing you and the kids is so important to them. Be kind.

    Is it possible to basically stay at your in-laws' but make day trips to your parents' place? Spend more nights at ILs', but still go out and do fun things with your kids during the day.

    Saying this is not a good idea. It would hurt their feelings. Don't spoil relations with in-laws who you say are nice to you. I understand your frustration but you can be diplomatic and still make this a pleasant vacation for everyone. Rihana's advice is on the money. No need to make big statements.
    .​
     
    Amica, Jan 9, 2020
    Amica, Jan 9, 2020
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  9. Jan 9, 2020 #9
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You want your in-laws to know that you feel like you are wasting your vacation while at their place? Not nice. Rise above such pettiness.

    Split the time almost equally and do it gracefully.

    If you are a SAHM, be grateful that you have the ability to travel and spend time with your parents when you like without worrying about vacation days.
     
    Rihana, Jan 9, 2020
    Rihana, Jan 9, 2020
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  10. Jan 9, 2020 #10
    Deeptha1

    Deeptha1 Senior IL'ite

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    No I didn’t say they are nice to me. They basically don’t care about me. All they want is their son and grandkids and they don’t like my kids getting closer to my parents. I don’t like that attitude. Whenever I say I am going to my parents place, they make faces and clearly show that they don’t like it. They should not be doing that. If they send me to my parents place happily then I would also have that respect towards them and like to spend time with them
     
    Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020
    Deeptha1, Jan 9, 2020
    #10
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