1. Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Need advice - very confused-please help

Discussion in 'Fertility & Trying to Conceive' started by durga2009, Aug 1, 2009.

  1. durga2009

    durga2009 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi, I have married for 5 years and intially didnt plan for a baby for 3 years. Now I have been trying and no luck for the last 2 years. Added to this misery, I found out that my husband has cheated on me recently. He had done once years ago and I forgave him. I am in my mid 30's and despertaely want a baby. We are in the verge of doing an IUI. I am thinking if I should go ahead with the IUI and later seperate from him. I need a baby to give meaning to my life. I cannot think of things like re-marriage atleast at this stage and my biological clock is ticking. Other than the fact he cheated me, I love him and he is a nice guy.
    Should I wait till I get by IUI and conformt him? Or confront now and loose my chance of having a baby. I want to have my baby, so I cannot think of adoption atleast at this stage. Please advise:drowning
     
    Loading...

  2. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,315
    Likes Received:
    185
    Trophy Points:
    160
    Gender:
    Female
    Durga ,

    What are you talking ? Do you even know what it means to get a baby into this world ? I think you need to go through the details in your mind first. A child needs both mother and father.. I agree when it is worst case like abuse etc and the couple needs to seperate.. But this !!

    If you dont trust your husband and dont intend to live with him forever, why mother his child ? What are you doing ? That is not a right decision according to me.. You will have to first set thngs right in your Married Life and then decide about getting a baby.

    If you feel, you just cannot live with this guy and cannot trust him at all.. then why are you still with him ? Adopt a kid and live your life if you wish to mother a child.. or get married again. What if you decide to leave him after you have a baby and he confronts you on the custody of the child ?
    You cannot say things like - I Love him very much BUT I dont TRUST him !! :spin Love happens ONLY when there is Trust !! Please get it straight.

    If you still love him, he never has cheated you after that and you have confronted him earleir and dead sure about his character now, then why not give him a chance ? This will happen ONLY if you both Love and Trust him.. Else, please leve the marriage instead of putting your mind and health into jeorpardy !! You know maybe the stress you got your mind into is what could be delaying your TTC plans.. Dont do this to yourself.

    BE GOOD COUPLES FIRST.. THEN YOU CAN THINK OF BEING GOOD PARENTS !! SEPERATED OR NOT SEPERATED YOU BOTH WILL BE PARENTS WHEN YOU HAVE A BABY, RIGHT DURGA !!
     
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,327
    Likes Received:
    1,506
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Durga, I second Dr Preethi's opinion here.Babies shudnt come becoz your biological clock is ticking away or these many yrs you are married. It shud come when both parents agree.Its not a piece of furniture that one spouse agrees and says the other will grow to like it.Even if you go ahead with having a baby there shud not come a time where u blame all your problems in marriage on the baby and put the baby and yourself in misery.Even a small kid or a baby deserves some respect.

    Let me tell you first hand experience of a once cheating spouse. I am married for almost 7 yrs. Iam 31.Up until 3 yrs ago , I was in great stress in my marriage due to abuse and cheating by my husband. Cheating didnt mean it came to him going around with a girl. But it was him attempting to do it by repeated contact from his side. The girl didnt respond at all.. After that with some tough response and some counselling he has been making an extra effort in the marriage and we are having some good times.Even before having kids I wanted to be convinced he has reformed for good. Even though I am 31 yrs old I dont want to rush and have a kid becoz my biological clock is ticking away. I want to be sure and go ahead.I dont want to blame my kid in case he/she comes at a time when I myself am feeling down in the marriage.I worked on my marriage and now we are happy.Maybe in an yr or 2 I will be ready for a kid.Kids shud come in that order happy couple happy environment and babies. Not the other way round.They definitely dont deserve it.

    I will suggest you work on your marriage for right now.Do you know why your husband has cheated once before and once now.Anything driving him to do that.If your husband is a nice guy take him to some couple's therapy and get to root of his cheating. Why did he do that. Once you come to know rectify it and be sure he wont do it again and THEN go ahead with a kid.

    Or confront now and loose my chance of having a baby

    This statement tells so many things about your marriage unsaid.Why do you feel confronting him will result in your losing chance of having a baby.He is at fault for cheating not you unless you didnt mention the background to his cheating.Couples have lots of discussions and arguments . This is also one of the times you will. Why do you feel he will say no to a baby in case you call on his cheating.Thats not a solid foundation to a baby.

    Think this thru and then make a decision to have you and your husband some counselling before the baby. Doubly be sure he has reformed to think of a baby.IUI can wait too. Good Luck.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2009
  4. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,431
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female
    hell ya you are confused !!!!!

    Baby from a guy you want to separate? Please, dont ever do that. It's WRONG.. in all sense of life. You are bringing a life to this world for your selfishness. That's cruel, heartless, sad and pathetic.

    I can understand that your mind is playing games. But lady please take a grip of what you are thinking. Is this how you want to mother a child... just because you want someone in your life as you plan to kick your husband out? Please think clearly.

    He cheated you once and you forgave? Now he cheated again? That is something you guys need to work on immediately. Does he know you know?
    Why do you feel that he might say NO to baby even though he is at fault? He is the one cheated, yeah?

    You are making a decision for yourself. Please feel free to do so. But that kid of yours DOES NOT DESERVE this at all. Please dont force this broken family to its life.

    Good luck and hope God guide you in the right path.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2009
  5. Sabitha_K

    Sabitha_K Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,888
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Durga,

    I agree with Preethi,chocolate and Nandu in this regard.You are too confused and frustrated that you are not thinking straight.

    How will a baby salvage you from your predicament ? I think you need to tackle your immediate problems by confronting your husband rather than thinking 'let me have a baby and then see'.

    If you cannot think of remarriage in the current situation then why are you thinking of having a baby not knowing how your future would shape ? Who knows tomorrow things might be different and if you were to reconsider remarriage then would you regret having this baby now.I don't think that having a child is the only way to add meaning to one's life.

    The first problem is resolving your marital issues.You are thinking way too many things adoption , remarriage , baby etc but forgetting the most important thing which is your current marriage.Do you want to lead a life with your husband or not ? Decide on this first and then accordingly plan your future.

    Please stop thinking that a baby will miraculously change your life for whatever reasons if you were to separate from your husband.Few years down the line you might feel the innocent child as an encumbrance just because he/she was born when you were too confused in life and took a wrong decision.

    All the best.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2009
  6. Confused211

    Confused211 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    164
    Trophy Points:
    128
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with everyone who posted before me. The kid truly doesn't deserve not having a father in his/her life. Adoption may be better as you are at least giving a chance to a baby out there that mayn't otherwise have even one parent, while giving yourself the baby you want. Don't get pg, knowing that you intend to separate! Fix that part of your life first.
     

Share This Page