Need advice on husband's behavior

celinapeter · Apr 14, 2007

Hi!
I'm so sorry I'm new to this forum but really need advice. I have been married for 5 years. Ours was a love come arranged marriage. I guess if I really admit to myself I always knew our marriage wouldn't last but I guess I let pride get in the way. I was raised in a small town in Malaysia where I was the only Indian girl in school. As I was dark, I was sidelined from dances, events... I thought things would get better we returned to India but it was the same... My husband was perhaps the only person who paid me comliments and heed to me. I was flattered and felt like a woman for once.
On our wedding night, I was looking forward to consumating our marriage, but he cited he was tired. He said we would 'do it' on our honeymoon. I thought that's romantic and was happy. As we were new to 'sex' he insisted we rent **** flicks and he wanted me to get all dolled up. Though I was against it, I finally relented. However as our technique was wrong, we didn't consumate our marriage. It was only post marriage that I realised that he was addicted to **** and would masturbrate regurely. :bangcomp: He bought a whole stack of them after our honeymoon and would watch them while I was asleep. As I thought it was my fault that the marriage wasn;t geeting consumated, I approached a doctor who told me to get my hymen dilated and I did. Though our efforts at having sex were low, our various efforts failed.
As in our community you are supposed to have a kid immediately after a yr or marriage, the pressure was on me. My sister who was my confidant showed me an article and I followed it-Geting a syringe, his sperm and injecting it. Well, I got pregnant and have a baby now.
My prob. is that my husband's a spendthrift and I have no idea how he spends his money. He always lies even for the silliest things, which I dislike. He is addicted to **** and he recently told me that the sex part wasn't my problem. Apparently the technique and the fact that he has an erectile prob (he knew it before marriage) is. Till now, he and his parents have been rubbing that issue at my face. And he still wants me to get dolled up for sex, which I hate as he expects me to wear a slick skirt, top, makeup, the works...
I also have problems with his parents. Staying with them they expect him to pay for everthing. As it is we earn a meagre income and with the kid expenses are high. He is a bit of a mama's boy and clings to her every word. He kicked me out of his house once when I was pregnant and once with the baby in tow. All in all things aren't great between the both of us and I'm at my parents now. Being India, society is casting weird glances and I don't know what to do. Please advice...

Vidya24 · Apr 14, 2007

Re: Need advice

Dear Celina

Welcome to Indusladies! Happy New Year! May the Sarvajit year bring all peace and joy for you and yours!

Please check this post in Indusladies
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/marriage-spouse-and-in-laws/6207-golden-rules-for-every-woman.html

Celina, I am a person who believes much in marriages and commitment. However, in your case,I would request you to put your faith in God and yourself. You are not just a wife, you are a mother. Your primary concern and responsibility is to make sure that your child grows up into a happy and balanced person, valuable to you and society.

Do you feel that in the present set up with your husband and in-laws, you will be able to raise your daughter in this manner? This is a question that only you can answer for yourself. And once you have the answer, you will have your decision on how to proceed with your marriage.

Do not worry about extended family, community, narrow society in India. Whatever we do, some people will talk for sometime. Then when they encounter some problem of their own, they will stop or move on to other people to criticise. In Tamil, we have a saying, 'oor vaayai adakka mudiyathu' (you cannot silence the world). Leave the world and relatives and their gossip. The only person who can help you and your child is yourself at the moment.

I should not tell you to stay or leave the marriage. Whatever you do, make sure that within the laws of your community and nationality, you get full custody of your child.

These days, it is not difficult for a single mother to take up a job and raise her child alone. It is not easy, but remember that life is not easy for anyone. We all carry different crosses and have our own problems.

Put your faith in God. If need be,do not hesitate to walk out of an unsatisfying relationship where you are not valued as a wife and person. Remember that more than your husband, your child needs your protection and mothering.

May the years to come be filled with the grace of our Lord and God.

regards
Vidya

dingdong · Jul 7, 2008

I understand its kinda of late to reply to this thread. But here goes my suggestion.

Talking to your spouse about this problem I am guessing is not an easy task. Ppl like these dont't communicate well. If they do, they will just hear you but not think about it.

My suggestion: Take a break and travel to a nearby hill station. Now, I know it might be hard for you financially but try your best. A couple days.

Just yourself and him. Take him away from **** for those two days. Dont worry abt sex during that time even. Show him what life COULD be if not for his dirty habits. Make him think and realize. Doing this in the company of nature usually helps. And after the couple days, you will def see progress. It all lies in communication. In this case, you are trying to communicate to someone who fails to think abt the consequences of this actions. Hope that is of help.

Although, I suggest you try like I mentioned before, I hope your problems have been solved even before you see this post.