Need Advice In Arranged Marriage

Dear Saimya,

Be open minded. You are going to meet the boy. It doesn't mean that you are going to marry him. Listen to your instincts and take decision. If your mind says NO dont ever say YES even if others force you. It is you, who have to spend rest of your life with your h.

First of all ask yours self what are the main criteria you like to have in your future husband. What are the things you like to have in your married life? Do you like to study/work/have kids etc..? What is the type of freedom and independence you want after marriage. What type of treatment you like from your h ( dominating/controlling/take your salary or not if you work/ or like to control it by yourself / personal freedom /space etc... ) .Just some thoughts here

I guess that you parents initiated this proposal because the boy matches with your criteria for education, job, height, look ,financial and social status. I strongly suggest you to inquire very well about the boy before marriage, his family his job his character etc.. from all the available sources..

Anyway meet the boy, see if you are comfortable with him talking.. inquire about his job/education/where he is working etc.. what is your prospect (can you work / how will be the life there/ which city etc.. ). I think it is important to build a friendship. But it is very difficult to know a person from one or two meetings . That is why Indian people most the time call it a lottery / fate/destiny..

I married the first boy I saw . But I had a demand. I wont like to be a show piece in marriage market. So my demand to my parents was to Invite the boy and family to visit us only if all criteria is met ( like age, height, education, social financial educational status of the family, above all my parents were believer of horoscope (I don't)). So they invited the family . In my area only men come first . They come with boy his friend , his brother one two relatives. They allowed both of us to talk in person. The boy and friends stayed and we had a friendly chat about what he is presently doing.. what I am doing..I asked him what he like to do after marriage, like the same job or live in the same city. But I gave a demand in a very nice way when he asked me what else I like to say. I told him that I am working in this particular field and I have a strong passion to have career. I cannot separate it from my life. I will like to have a career in that field even after marriage and want full freedom on that. etc.. The meeting ended in a very happy way. I thought I am OK with him and comfortable, if he agrees on my demand I will proceed. But I asked for a time frame of six month from engagement date to marriage. That helped to build a friendship with h before marriage .That is how I ended up in my current life.

That helped me in one way, because even when dh has a tendency to complain about my job, I will tell him that I told everything before marriage and now you cannot change it.. Luckily in my case it worked.

If you search Indusladies forum, for 'arranged marriage', you may find similar questions from Op's and many feedback from ILladies. Hope that also helps. All the best

 

i will take some time to know about a persons character.
dont fall into the trap of considering the entire husbands family as yours.
you will be fine

 

Hi Saimya,

I am also an ethnically Indian girl, who grew up entirely outside of India (I grew up in the US), and managed to have an arranged marriage. My husband grew up in India, and came for his masters. I don't know the exact nature of your prospective groom, but tread cautiously when agreeing to an engagement or marriage. In arranged marriages, somehow everybody wants to rush you into the marriage, because they don't want either party to back out prematurely. Ridiculous, but true. Anyway, bruised234 has a really good list of questions to ask yourself BEFORE agreeing.

Take your time when deciding to get engaged, and take some more time before you agree to get married. I personally think it's important to cultivate a healthy friendship/relationship before getting married. You don't need to know everything about a person before getting married, but I think it's important to be able to like and respect this person. DO NOT ignore Red Flags. When you feel like there is a mismatch, do your very best to find a way to resolve it before marriage. If you can't find a resolution, listen to the Red Flag, and move on to another prospective groom.

In so many ways, my family found my arranged marriage to be far more challenging than if I had a "love marriage". I hate to be negative about it, but Indian culture still expects a whole lot from Indian women, in the house and outside of the house. Growing up in a foreign country did not prepare me for the higher expectations my In-Laws and husband had for me. While I was financially independent, there is some level of subservience that is expected and valued in a wife, that it was(is) tough. These are things not easy to discover before marriage, but if you have a loving relationship with the groom, I'm sure it's easy to overcome.

 

Even if you have a list of questions, how do you know, he answers them truthfully.
Spend time with the person to know about him.
After marriage my advice is
Don't be a doormat for his family.
If the inlaws are good people, respect them.

 

OP

I guess you are in Australia and he is in u.s. Did you check where he would like to settle. Are you willing to adjust in new country and start from scratch? Usually indians live like miser till they get greencard because there is no stability at all. In recession many people have to go back to india. You both have to discuss and agree on future plans like where to live, kids, jobs, lifestyle, eating habits. Check for compatibility in education, family, finance, looks, likes-dislikes, hobbies. Don't rush into marriage till your personally meet many times.

 

Yes.its tough.
You have to convey to both sides parents.

 

Have you told your parents that you cannot agree for an engagement until you get to know the girl? Be firm on this, with your parents, so that they can convey this to the girl and her family. This is probably what the girl would also prefer.

 

You cannot look for the heart in arranged marriages, that will be a big mess. I looked for "heart", but I wasn't as I realized later, and here I am getting scolded by him on a frequent basis and despised. Don't do that mistake. Yes, if the prospective person does not show any interest in you at all, that's very bad. But other than that, be practical, don't get carried away. Arranged is arranged, love is love. Arranged is emotion free, practical way to get married, it involves judgement of your parents, family and you. Don't make the mistake of trying to do it yourself. Love marriage is between the couples. If they share their views honestly with each other and don't try to build a goody goody image anything will work. In my opinion, be brutal honest, don't be ashamed, just express your views as it is even if sounds greedy at times. Looking for heart means what? If you want to look for heart, then marry someone who will keep you happy, don't look at this wallet, degree certificates or his photo. Look at his heart?, honestly, you can't do that in arranged marriage. My husband likes travelling a lot, I like it too, but I can't handle it most of the time. How much ever I try, I can't keep him satisfied. Not just that, he expects me to look good in the photos. I have never been able to look good to his satisfaction. Look for compatibility, not "heart", when you do, understand what that means.

 

Hi dear.. read it ,u r hurt a lot by wat I read n understood if that is the case u should not be just a trophy wife love is needed to all of us ,u try to say him u don't look good wat he does should not be wat u like n it's the same for u..
U take care .. try to be free from negative.. "I KNOW YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY U R" ..

I mean heart means look for all emotions,love character,I meant all not looks or how much he earns.. nowadays parents allow to talk to the boy so..

 

My experience says
Don't try to satisfy the husband all the time.
A wife should take care of herself and her kid first.
Only crooked and shameless women win in marriage.
I have learnt this the hard way.