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Need Advice - Cousins Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by cutypie, Feb 5, 2010.

  1. cutypie

    cutypie New IL'ite

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    Hello Everyone,

    My cousin who is in India got an alliance from a mutual friend. Everyone liked the boys family background and everything but don't know anything about the boy. The boy stays here in US and coincidentally stays in the same city as I do. So my uncle called up and asked me to meet this guy and give some feedback. Before I call up and arrange for a meeting I need some advice from you all on what I should ask/look in him so I get to know his personality better.

    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

    Thanks
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    cutypie,

    Are you married?If you are married then your husband is a right person to do that or you both can invite to your house and talk.
     
  3. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Check where he works.. See if you are familiar with any of colleugues..

    Talk to your cousin and your uncle/ aunt what she/ they looksfor in a guy..and what are her / their priorities..

    Also, think what would you look for when you meet a guy who could be a prospective husband for you.. Just look for those details.

    Whatever said and done, you cannot go beyond a limit..

    End of the day, never give an OK to the wedding.. Just say this is my opinion.. and when asked wether ' you think we should go ahead ' .. you must simply reply, That is your decision.' Just be honest.
     
  4. cutypie

    cutypie New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your valuable suggestions Priya and Preethi. Yes I am married and am planning to invite him to my home. My uncle and Aunt are completely relying on our feedback to fix this alliance and they did tell me their priorities/interests. However I dont think we can get complete nature of a guy in just one meeting which I have conveyed to my uncle as well but they think that I am a better judge, but I am not:bonk I am so tensed...As preethi said I will just give my opinion and its up to them to decide.

    Ladies:- any other suggestion for me???

    Thanks
     
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    cutypie,

    Are they not considering introducing groom and bride before fixing the marriage?
    Whatever you can look into the person is very minimal. You can just look at physical and are your comfortable with that guy? Otherwise you may not know much about him even the person who is going to marry unless they start living together.
    Only thing if you get to know any other people who works in his company or knows him may be have more details about that person.
    Just tell them don't keep many expecations on you.Here your husband can do better job like inviting him to some movie and spend more time and can find out the type of the person like is he friendly or something.
     
  6. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    My advice would be tell them upfront you cannot do that because this is something related to marriage and what you find OK may not be OK with the girl.
    And, in these situations put your head in, only at the risk of getting beheaded later.

    The groom should go and meet the bride and they both should see each other without any preconceived opinions from 3rd party.

    8 yrs back there was an alliance for my sister. I had to drive 4 hrs only to see the groom and give my opinion. I denied it. I called up the groom and just casually asked him he may consider going in the upcoming thanksgiving vacation and meet my sister. You know what he said " Yeah, but what if it does not work out, I would have spent on tickets unnecessarily, why don't I come to your house or you come to my place and then you can give them the feedback".

    I called up my dad but did not reveal what the groom said but told I just cannot go and see him and give you my feedback, because after all I am not marrying him.

    Luckily, the match got canceled and then I told my parents about this conversation I had with him.

    SO, it is not you and your feedback that matters at all in this case. Later, you may say I just gave my feedback but that will not end there, if at all the marriage gets on rocks, you will be taken to task and will be blamed for purposely hiding some facts. No one will listen to you then if you say you are innocent.

    After all, it is easy to put the blame on somebody else's head!!!
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
  7. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Cutypie,

    I agree with sridivya. Never get involved in other's matrimonial affairs. You may think this is such a small favor but if something goes wrong later you will be blamed. As Sridivya says it is always easier to pass the blame to someone else than to accept responsibility for one's own mistakes. I know a case where a lady who simply brought the horoscope of a groom for matching by her sil's family (bride was sil's daughter) was blamed and abused in public when the marriage happened and ended very bitterly just three years later. The lady made no mistakes, she just brought horoscope but she was abused as if she had committed a great crime and caused the marriage to break down.

    I am wishing your cousin well and hope she has a happy and very long married life but if something goes wrong then you will blamed because when people are suffering they always look for a scapegoat to blame and abuse to take away their own pain and suffering. So stay out of this.
     
  8. cutypie

    cutypie New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your valuable suggestions ladies. I wish I could but I cant really stay out of this as my uncle is counting on me and he is the one who always stands up to our family when we need support. My cousin spoke to this guy over the phone once and she says he is cool, talked good and so on.However since I am older to her and can talk to the boy personally my uncle is counting on my Feedback. I am so stressed out that I got involved in this:spin

    We are planning to meet him over the weekend and hopefully my husband can get to know this guy better.

    Thanks
     
  9. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    It is hard to turn down a relative's request.. They may simply be offended for nothing. it doesnt matter to meet the guy, but be cautious when you give your comments.

    Make sure the couple meet each other before marriage.. Give your cousin a reality check that the oh-so-cool guy neednt be this cool after marriage and she shouldnt be in bliss all the time. That is Marriage.. :)
     
  10. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    that was cool advice from you :thumbsup

    hi cutypie,

    if it is possible then best is to avoid involving yourself. since you say it is unavoidable, then go ahead and meet him. try to find out his lifestyle,where he works and how is the company... u may even ask him on his future plans(if ur cousin wants to know)... these are just a few things...others have also mentioned a few points...add some of your own too...and dont be over stressed with this!!! :) ... just keep it casual...

    all the best.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010

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