Need a happy Future!!

hi deepa,

i think before taking decision for divorce you can try counselling as a last step considering your son.

god bless you
manju

 

hmmm i see.
I totally understand your agony. Anybody in your position will get tired of bearing all this. I see that you have tried your best to have conversation with him. But he is not responsive.
Counselling may work , but first he needs to agree to it. However meanwhile you can start going just alone. Counsellor will atleast give you a vent to talk out your things. With due course , you husband may join too.
Best wishes
ria

 

Hi,

I read your post and the replies. Firstly, please accept my congratulations for putting up with him for so long. And let me applaud you for getting pregnant even after knowing that he mentally harasses you. A qualified girl from the metro should have analyzed the events and let him be the father. I am not hurting your feelings but trying to get in to the crux of your problem. You have taken a very good decision of taking up a job and being independent. I suggest you should not bring your in-laws in the picture. Its your problem and you should know how to solve it. Your husband has got the confidence that you will not take any major step of separation and has taken your for granted. A relationship where anybody takes you for granted is not worth. We should love and respect each others feelings. A person who does not respect you is not worth your attention forget love. Just because he calls at wee hours and apologizes for his gory acts, is not enough to prove he loves you. Dear friend, your husband must be having an affair and the girl on the other end must be taxing him for marriage which is natural. The fear of the society is making him come back to you with apology, the lover in him tries to accuse you and drive you out of the house. (One possibility). The second possibility is your husband is not mentally stable. Its dangerous to live with a man who has such split personality in him. In spit of anger, if he kills you and cries by your corpse saying "Sorry". Its no fun, you have to be very careful. My friendly advice is pull up your socks and start thinking loud...

 

Hi Deepa,

Sad to read about your situation... I totally understand ur agony and the stress you have now... As others suggested, if ur husband agrees to the counseling it may help you solve you problem...

It is very difficult to live with a suspicious husband... You have had enough bad experiences from him... from ur posts, i think he loves u a lot and is also very possessive...He does not want to loose you also...that is why he always calls up and apologizes after a fight...

But as u said, he cannot take you for granted and continue doing this to you... You will have to take the right decision now... You are not alone, you have ur parents for ur support and you have a son to take care off... It is fortunate that u have a job to support you now...

Try talking to your husband again for your child's sake... Try to make a compromise, before u go for any extreme steps..

All the Best...

 

Dear deepa
it is better to behappily separated then unhappily married.You can never ever think
these people will change unless and untill they are prepared to undergo treatment and
counselling.Try being practical.the more time you take to comeout more battered
you willbe.
subbi

 

From: http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/wearing_her_down.html
Understanding the Tactics of Emotional Abuse
Although each woman's experience of abuse is different, there are many similarities in the ways that an abuser gains and maintains control over his partner. When women who are abused have the opportunity to come together and share their experiences, they often express amazement at the use of similar tactics. One woman at the Focus Group commented, "it sounded like [we] were all married to the same guy".
"Cycle of Violence" theory developed by Lenore Walker attempted to explain the complex dynamics of woman abuse, but included emotional abuse only as part of the "tension building stage". Emotional abuse was not addressed as a force on its own, but as a precursor to physical abuse. Academic research on emotional abuse has been difficult, not only due to the absence of a common definition, but also due to a lack of understanding of what constitutes emotional abuse in different cultural and societal contexts(
Relevant to your concerns:
Women who are emotionally abused describe "mind-games" or "crazy-making" tactics, where the abuser may contradict a woman, fabricate stories, deny or minimize his actions, or act inconsistently:
It was also pointed out that some men were very nice to their families including their wives when they wanted. For example, one woman related that there was an important guest from India, the husband wanted to show off his nice family and make a good impression. So the week before the guests' arrival, he fulfilled everyone's demands. The child got to eat out and get some new clothes while the wife got to send money to her brother back home
Emotional abuse also involves both verbal and non-verbal communication. Non-verbal controlling tactics include gestures, expressions, and body movements. A raised eyebrow by an abuser can give a strong message to instill fear, without anyone else recognizing or understanding the intent of the gesture. Many women are constantly challenged or criticized on their ability to take care of the home or their children, and told that they cannot do anything right. Some women indicate that if they try to talk to the abuser about his behaviour or problems in the relationship, they will be blamed or subjected to the silent treatment for hours, days, weeks or even months on end (Papp, 56). Women are often called derogatory names by their abusive partners such as slut or whore, and told they are stupid, fat, or ugly on a repeated or daily basis. The abuser draws upon the societal standards set for a woman's size and appearance; a woman's value and sexual desirability is based on how thin, feminine and "pretty" she is. Since men's status in society is elevated when they are with a woman who meets the oppressive standards, they can also tell a woman convincingly that no other man would want her. In some cases, abusers may also control what and how much a woman eats.
An abuser may say that he wants to engage in sexual relations because he loves her, and that she must prove her love to him. He may accuse her of having sexual relations with someone else, and interrogate her about other men in her life if she refuses. He may also say that he wants to teach her how to be a good sexual partner, and insist that she view and act out pornography to learn how to meet his sexual needs. If a woman discloses a history of child sexual abuse, he may suggest she liked or deserved it, or even force the woman to act out similar sexual acts.
The following definition of "Violence Against Women" includes these factors:
Any act of verbal or physical force, coercion, or life-threatening deprivation, directed at an individual woman or girl, that causes physical or psychological harm, humiliation or arbitrary deprivation of liberty and that perpetuates female subordination
Another definition adds a further dimension – that of intentionality on the part of the abuser, who perpetrates these acts against the will of the effected individual:
Conscious or deliberate acts that cause or threaten to cause harm… They are acts that ignore or hold in contempt the voice of the affected person and that exploit a power imbalance, or that on other grounds, are contrary to the free and informed consent of the affected person.

Abuser Profile
· Uncontrolled temper.Have very short fuses and become immediately angry.
· Have poor coping skills
· Unreasonable and demanding at times
· Unpredictable
· Give double messages... pendulum swings from loving to abusive
· Deny that the abuse has occurred or make light of a violent episode.
· Blame the victim, other people or outside events for the violent attack.
· Abusers don't act because they are "out of control."
· Abusers choose to respond to a situation violently. They are making a conscious decision to behave in a violent manner.
· They know what they're doing and what they want from their victims.
· They are not acting out of anger.
· They are not reacting to stress.
· Extreme jealousy.
· Express remorse and beg for forgiveness with seemingly loving gestures.
· Can be hard workers and good providers.
· Can be witty, charming, attractive and intelligent.
· At times are loving parents

• Intense fear of abandonment.
• A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse, abandonment issues.
• Unrealistic expectations of a relationship. (To "fix" them or solve their problems.)
• Isolation and antisocial temperament.
• Recklessness. (dangerous sexual behavior, reckless driving, drug use etc.)
• Inability to accept responsibility for their behavior and actions, even in the face of dire consequences.
• Cruelty to children and animals.
• Threats of violence.
• Low self-esteem, shame.
• Inability to respect interpersonal boundaries, a compulsion to violate boundaries.
• Emotional volatility - fear of being "out of control".
• Need for power and control to compensate for the above.
• Abuse generally escalates when the partner leaves.

COMMON TRAITS:

• Denial: In many cases, the abuser will act as if nothing happened, in order to excuse his/her behavior. If they do admit their actions, it is always the fault of the victim. They justify their actions by claiming that they were provoked.
• Abusive men tend to feel inadequate and depressed. Abusive men generally come off to the outsider as arrogant and overly self-confident. This is in fact a defense mechanism they use to hide their dislike for themselves.
• Jealousy and possessiveness: An abuser feels jealous and over-possessive of their victim. They often demand to know their victims whereabouts at all times, get insanely jealous at the slightest hint of someone else getting any of their victims attention, and become very hostile at the thought of losing their "property".
• Domination and emotional attachment: An abuser expects complete attention and support from their girlfriend / / wife. Abusers expect and demand complete control and submittance on the part of their victim.
• Inability to understand or recognize their problem: The abuser is often times, if at all, the last person to admit that they have a problem. Abusers commonly do not respond well to counseling because they are unable to understand their anger or confusion.
• "I did not know what I was doing" or "I can't remember" are very common excuses.
• Manipulation: Abusers know how and when to make their partner feel guilty. By causing guilt, the victim is more likely to stay and deal with the abuse, rather then feel "responsible" for any harm their abuser might inflict on themselves. Suicide is frequently used as a method of manipulation. Sometimes an abuser will go as far as to cut or cause other forms of harm to themselves in order to keep their victim from leaving.
• Frequent abuser: Many abusers have previous instances of abuse in their pasts. Some might have even been arrested or treated for violent tendencies. However often times their current partner is unaware of these situations.
• Stalking: As an undercover method of maintaining control, an abuser will stalk or follow their partner from a far. Its purpose is to frighten their victim, and to prevent them from taking the initiative to leave. Overall, stalking invokes fear, without the abuser even touching their victim.

Basically Deepa, get out while you still can........unless he will access psychological help of his own volition

 

HI

I felt really sorry for u and angered at ur hubby after seeing ur post. Bill Gates would commit suicide if he comes to know that his tool is being used by ur hubby for keeping count of his sex life.

U have mentioned that ur hubby has many good qualities but all these qualities are like fruits fallen in gutter. U wont eat them will u.I am sorry for the strong language, but I just cant digest ur hubby having such a thought.

U have asked for a happy future, will ur hubby change overnight and provide it to u.

I know it is a very difficult decision (one of continuing or ending a marriage) especially with a kid and how hard it is for u. But u r suffering emotionally. Think from the view point of ur kid. Tomorrow if ur husband is going to accuse u of adultry and if ur kid is going to hear it, will he be able to digest it. His childhood will be traumatic bcoz his parents are fighting constantly.

Consider them very carefully before making ur decision. Or else if u r going to give him another chance give him an ultimatum that u will continue to live with him only if he stops harrasing u like this and if he agrees for counselling.

Hope ur future turns out to be a happy one.

regards
rakshantha

 

Hi Deepa,

I just read your post today and all the advises given to you. And I too think that councelling is a better option. But besides that i would also advise you to do the following:

1. Start living with your husband under one roof. Staying apart also creeps in lot of doubts.
2. Show your love towards him, by sending him lovely emails, greetings on net, n calling in between office hours.
3. When he is home from work, leave everything and talk to him for few hours about his work/day.
4. Tell him about the activities of your child, keep him involved.
5. Prepare a cosy diner for two at home, or book a diner in a hotel for you two.
6. Give him special attention.

It is always noticed that wives does lot of the above things and husband still doesnt show affection, though they do love them. they feel that they need not do all things to prove their love for their wives. While in some case husbands wish for all the above but wife are too busy with their jobs/kids and house work n are ignorant of their husbands feelings (mostly after the kid is born), which could be your case too.

So try working out the above and you will surely see a drastic change in him. Men are more like kids they need to be shown alot of affection to prove our love towards them, so as not to bring in the problem of doubts in our life. Think about it.

Also do go in for councelling. And do let us know how things are improving in your life.

All the best

Diana