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My Story...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by enlightened, Jan 25, 2013.

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  1. Jan 25, 2013 #1
    enlightened

    enlightened Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    I have been absent from this space since almost a few months.My life has taken a certain turn of events, which a few of you might find outrageous.I request all of you to please read through my post and let me know what you think about the situation , and whether the step that I have taken is sensible.
    I have been married for almost 10 years.While my husband was never really the romantic types, he has always been a good man, providing for me and my kids.He has been a very good friend to me too.But some spark in my marriage was always missing.I would see couples having if not much, at least basic social conversation, at least acknowledging the presence of each other, which I glaringly found non-existing in my marriage.So,I went on to have crushes on any man, who would be a little nice to me.However, until recently I had restrained myself to just some admiration from far, not making it too evident.So far all ok...
    However, a few months back, I was very attracted to a friend on FB.This man admired my qualities and put me on a pedestal.He also waxed eloquence, stating that, a man who wouldnt acknowledge my being in his life, simply did not know what a precious thing he had.
    Somehow, the daily conversations on FB were something I started looking forward to.His admiration for me , made me feel that indeed I was someone unique and desirable.
    I started to meet him.The meetings were warm and very soon we also got physical.Now some background about this person-He is 15 years my senior in age and is married with kids, 18 and 16.His wife and he are not very compatible as he is in a top position in an IT firm, where as the lady comes from a rural background.
    He started to tell me how lonely he was, how his wife was encouraged to study or work but she never came out of the comforts of home, how his in-laws looked down on him, and how my coming into his life had given him a reason to live.He had suffered a heart attack 10 years ago(this is a fact) and now his heart was improvising because of me.
    On the other hand, after being wooed by him, I also started to feel how my life had been all along, only slogging for my family and nobody to even acknowledge this fact.
    He exacerbated the situation by condemning my husband for being insesitive and uncaring towards me.
    Our relationship became extremely intense.During the interim, I began to suffer from bouts of breakdown , because he said that he decided that we should live together after his younger son got settled won.I started to feel extreme stress and pressure.This man was very demanding.Even a little delay in replying to his messages would result in him telling me that if I continue like this his heart will fail.
    In fact he never used to like it when I travelled out of town for a family occassion, reiterating that fact that he had grown possessive and obsessive.
    He started to ask if my husband was still physical with me, telling me that he had not maintained any physical contact with his wife since I came in his life.He asked me to discourage my husband from having physical relationship.
    I, meanwhile , was sucked into this maelstorm as this man was very glib in his talk.I believed that indeed no one could love me like him.
    We went to a few temples together where, in front of various Gods we vowed to be together for life.
    This went on for 2 months.
    Then I went to my mother's place for a break.This man was so jealous that I was having a good time, that almost daily he would tell me dont you feel guilty of having deserted me and having fun , my BP is low etc...
    until one day I exploded....
    I shouted on the phone and asked him to get lost, that he was insane, he didnt want me to lead a plain life and was making things extremely complicated.
    The realization dawned that I was being mentally manipulated by him by him making me believe that he would die if I left him
    I began to feel suffocated.
    I called it quits and refused to meet him.He tried all ways and means to convince me that I had betrayed him, I had ruined his life and he would die soon...
    It has been almost a month since break up.He is still trying.I am resolute.I have come to realise that there is no bond stronger than your family.I would never leave my kids and never leave their father for anything in this world.
    I just want to get out of this mess for ever.I know I have wronged.May be I gave hopes to this man.But his thoughts were always for his benefit.He never even conslulted me.In fact now he says how could you lie to Gods etc...I am so scared that God may harm my kids...
    What do I do ...?
    Please help
    I desperately need it...
     
    enlightened, Jan 25, 2013
    enlightened, Jan 25, 2013
    #1
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  2. Jan 25, 2013 #2
    MahiSree

    MahiSree Gold IL'ite

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    You r so quick in judging people i think. Unfortunately your judgement failed.
    What will you do if your DH has done this with another woman? Did you think about your kids before indulging in the relationship with that older guy?
    Dear lady, wipe-off all these from your mind/heart. Dont have any contact with that man. let him face his own fate.
    And now focus on your family alone -- Honest DH + lovely kids.
    "I am so scared that God may harm my kids..." -- this you should have thought before involving in the relation. In front of the same God only you both prayed to be together rite? Sorry for being harsh.

    Make a resolution on your own words ".I would never leave my kids and never leave their father for anything in this world". They will be there for you even in your older age. Not that silly older guy.

    Think wise;Act wise.
    JMO.
     
    MahiSree, Jan 25, 2013
    MahiSree, Jan 25, 2013
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  3. Jan 25, 2013 #3
    NandhuKish

    NandhuKish Bronze IL'ite

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    Be clear on ur decision that you are not going to have any contact wit that guy anymore..Be comitted to ur husband and kids.. if ur husband is not talkative.. you speak to him whatever you wish.. he too will change in few days..

    May you get peace and happiness!!

    Tc of you!
     
    NandhuKish, Jan 25, 2013
    NandhuKish, Jan 25, 2013
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  4. Jan 25, 2013 #4
    indian66

    indian66 New IL'ite

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    I dont know what to say. Good that you have realized atleast now. From now on, try to be faithful to your husband. IF possible, vacate the place and go to a new place. Start your life afresh. forget the past. try to live for the presence now.
     
    indian66, Jan 25, 2013
    indian66, Jan 25, 2013
    #4
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  5. Jan 25, 2013 #5
    waitingforu

    waitingforu Silver IL'ite

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    I don' think you could do much but being honest and true to your husband and kids till your last breath...
     
    waitingforu, Jan 25, 2013
    waitingforu, Jan 25, 2013
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  6. Jan 25, 2013 #6
    nicegirlradhi

    nicegirlradhi Gold IL'ite

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    a "WAKE-UP" call for all who might think or say...."IT'S JUST A PHASE....THIS TOOOO SHALL PASS":bonk

    OP, now that you have realized which is more worth in life, please concentrate more on your family is what i can say. and if possible, dont communicate with the man who pushed you into this crisis, which by god's grace did not reveal to your husband or his family.

    better make a complete safe exit and be careful in future is my sincere advise
     
    nicegirlradhi, Jan 25, 2013
    nicegirlradhi, Jan 25, 2013
    #6
  7. Jan 25, 2013 #7
    Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    D,

    why do you go looking for romance outside. i remember the doctor, now a person on fb. grow up D before you ruin your marriage (if there is anything left) from what you already told you have a nice husband, who just does not know how to be romantic.. in search of the waxing poetry, being put on a pedestal, you were sure going to be sucked in by a highly manipulative person.

    i can only say once can be a mistake, twice is....you decide dear..i am not going to condemn you or take you to task. i would just ask you to sit and think why is it you get so easily carried away just because a few men appreciate your beauty.. remember you are into early 30's??? and you crave for attention, appreciation and resent being at home, taking care of family..while after a few years say a decade or more, you would want the unappreciative husband's support and strength.

    And try to also see how you can change your communication and also romance in your marriage. after 10 years, each of us falls into a routine and expects the other to pitch forgetting it is a two way street. you need to be equally involved to keep the sparks alive. you want him to be romantic, talk to him, involve him, you start appreciation and talking about your likes..if you feel he cannot do it, it is nothing wrong in investing some more time trying to make him understand..(if you could invest months on a stranger on fb, why not on your husband..)


    but do not stay in this relationship or try to be good, just for the fear that god will punish your kids..stay married because you want to be in the marriage for yourself..and also the fear of social stigma...

    please wake up before it is too late and you lose your self respect, and respect of your family...
     
    Shanvy, Jan 25, 2013
    Shanvy, Jan 25, 2013
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    6 people like this.
  8. Jan 25, 2013 #8
    Chilledsteam

    Chilledsteam Silver IL'ite

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    He also never acknowledged his DW's worth.. So This implies to him also??? ..

    Lol.. when he has no care on his wife and gets into EMA, what right he has to condemn on your husband..

    Now both of u had done sins. U both forgot the promises u made to ur resepective life partners.. God will punish if u keep continuing ur sins.
    I feel bad for your husband.. If u had said he was unfaithful to u that will be another story, but here his only problem is he is unable to be expressive. I am sure u could change him as he is your good friend too.

    I dunno why this quote came into my mind while reading ur post
    ''One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars''..


    Thank God that guy was insane... If not u would have ditched ur poor husband and u would have made that guy's innocent wife also to go through hell??? ..

    I sincerely wish there are no proofs for anything.. U have to love ur hubby unconditionally and do everything for him. That's the only thing u could do now.. As another user said please do not stay with your husband for the fear of God or social stigma.. Stay with him only if u can be true to him by all means, at any cost.. If u can't ,then please open up everything with him and leave him for his sake.
    I feel a non expressive true husband is better than a flirt/womanizer..
     
    Chilledsteam, Jan 25, 2013
    Chilledsteam, Jan 25, 2013
    #8
  9. Jan 25, 2013 #9
    fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    i think you should also give a chance to your husband to decide whether he wants to be in this loveless(?) marriage? any way, first thing is try to erase all the proofs which might make your life more complicated.
     
    fencesitter, Jan 25, 2013
    fencesitter, Jan 25, 2013
    #9
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  10. Jan 25, 2013 #10
    BharatS

    BharatS Gold IL'ite

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    hmmm...unfortunate, but considering the social changes now a days, definitely not unusual even for women.

    You seem to be either dissatisfied with your marriage or bored in your relationship with your husband

    From your post itself, the extra love breaked not because you yourself have realized what was going is wrong…. but only because the other man didn’t handle you properly.

    I don’t know your previous relationship issues or current status, but I can tell one thing, there is nothing right or wrong when it comes to relationships.

    Pursuit of happiness is never a wrong step, but doing it behind the screens/discreetly is bound to give negative effect and a blunder no one should do.

    So decide where you can get happiness/how you will be happy/with whom you will be happy….and once you are clear in your decision/thoughts….go ahead, be it new relationship or old relationship.

    Say 5 years down, if you still feel the same…..as what you have been feeling before about your marriage(before this incident), you might very well repent the decision that you are taking now.

    So it is your life, and you have to decide what is good for “YOU”.

    P.S: These are my personal thoughts, as last couple of lines in your post very well interprets that…what you care and concerned most is your kids and their father…but "NOT" your husband and marriage.

    What ever decision you take, i wish you find happiness and lead a happy life
     
    BharatS, Jan 25, 2013
    BharatS, Jan 25, 2013
    #10
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