My Sister's marriage - Advice please

Well, there's nothing wrong with business. Business can be lucrative too.

I can't speak for your sister, but personally, I would rather have a less settled guy who I gel with and who has a kind family, than a very settled guy who's family is questionable and who's attitude is not like mine.

Money is important. No doubt. Lot of fights happen because of lack of money and financial strain. But from my own experience, I have found the heart ache of emotional problems from husband or his family are WAY worse than any type of financial struggle. I guess it's because, financial problems can be solved. But it's pretty rare for a hostile family to suddenly become welcoming to the dil, or for a cold husband to suddenly become buddy buddy with his wife.

And just imagine, money problems can happen to anybody. What happens if you pick a guy based on his job, and character wise he's not that great, and then he loses his job! Then you're stuck with a jobless guy you never really liked to begin with!

I feel in the long run, a good solid character trumps a job anyday. And I'm sure the Saudi guy would not let his financial situation ever get to the point where he is living in the street. I mean, if he has managed his life up until now, I'm sure he is sensible enough to know how to provide for himself (and a wife too).

I don't know the Saudi or the Bank guy, so I'm not trying to say anything negative about Banker man. I'm just saying look beyond the dollar signs. Compatability is key. If your sister ends up miserable with her husband's attitude or her inlaws taunting, no amount of necklace sets or fancy vacations will make her feel better. So whichever guy you chose, make sure he is the TOTAL package, and not just a paycheck. Here's another question to think of.... if money weren't an issue, which guy would you pick?

 

Well said ASG,Could not agree more:thumbsup.

Tugga,
I also think your sister needs to go with compatibilty . I really would not want to say whether A is better or the other way. If there is a chance, then let her meet both of them. In the meanwhile, the families could also meet. Whatver suits her,let her decide.
Good Luck to your family.

 

If your sister is not prepared to live in a different city in her life, then she may not yet understand reality and marriage.

Pls. let her understand these things before she goes for marriage.

There is no guarantee DH will not find a new appealing career prospect 2-4 years later in another city or country!

 

If it is Gamble then go with gut feelings. Mine is choice marriage. What mattered most for me is not the facts that I gathered in conversations but how I felt while conversing. As someone suggested , let your sis talk to both and decide.

Depending on ones attitude isolating herself can be seen as a problem or as an opportunity for her to grow independent. IMO, still more than security or compatibility with spouse, her reluctance to take responsibility for her life is the biggest problem for her marriage.

I wouldn't have married my DH even after falling in love if he wanted us to live so close to his family. I wouldn't have liked to be so close to my family either(BTW, I always stayed with my parents before marriage and love them a lot and I have no major probs with my ILs ). Couple being left independent gives best chance to a marriage. I understand your father built the house specifically for her as per her likes with love. But should that decide so much of her life? Shouldn't the house a couple live in or build be according to the likes of both spouses? Isn't one thing(The house)narrowing all her choices? However wonderful the house and the sentiment of it is. Making so many important decisions based on that? I am sure You know, You didn't let even your religion decide who you will marry(many marry within religion).

 

If your sister prefers the bank manager over the saudi guy, then go for the bank manager. Otherwise, in the future, even a small misunderstanding can result in her leashing back at you with, "this is all your fault because you picked a bad guy for me" attitude.

Let her decide who she wants to marry. It's her life. Lay everything out on the table and allow her to chose. Her refusal to chose is just her way of creating a scape goat incase something should not go as she planned.

 

Good, and make sure she feels that way too (ie. she is the one taking the final choice). Thats the only way the marriage can have a chance to succeed.

 

No offense intended but is this woman really ready for such a serious business as marriage? Who is going to do all the information processing and decision making for her after she gets married? How long can you avoid "giving too much work to her brain"???? She needs to grow up first and get ready to take charge of her life.

Even if you get her married to a man who is a gem (as in he defers to her all the time), no self-respecting man will tolerate his in-laws being involved in each and every decision that needs to be made in their marriage. He may even see your FOO's involvement in her marriage as domination and disrespectful of him simply because he is living in your sister's house. Eventually, this will only lead to disaster and he may decide to vacate the house and move far away in order to force his wife to become independent!!! Or he may retaliate by involving his parents and siblings in every single decision and you cannot even protest because your sister is doing the same thing!

IMO, this issue of not wanting to leave her comfort zone, wanting to live close to her FOO, wanting to avoid in-laws etc cannot simply be justified as 'dependence' and 'that is how she is'. All these signify a serious inability and an unwillingness to be mature and independent. Marriage is for adults, not for overgrown children. What if she ends up with someone who is equally dependent on HIS FOO for every single thing? This will not be evident until after they are married, so their marriage will be between the two FOOs rather than the two individuals! I think she is dependent simply because she is ALLOWED to be dependent by you. You are actively enabling her dependency and unwittingly encouraging her lack of interest in growing up and taking responsibility for herself. As long as you are all willing and able to do her work for her, there is no incentive for her to grow up. Unfortunately, after marriage, her husband may not relish a childish wife who does not want to act responsibly or take decisions independently. Just like you have a problem with your husband's emotional dependency on his father, your sister's future husband may have a problem with your sister's dependency on your FOO. Then, there will be clashes between husband and wife - esp. if you people step in on her behalf - and everything will go downhill from there.

Tugga, your sister is not ready for marriage. Other posters have already told you this. You cannot protect her for life, make her decisions for life or shelter her for life. As you said in another thread, she should limit her expectations from her marriage and life to only herself and her husband. An extended family member such as a mother, sister and brother, cannot be there all the time for her, help her in all of her decision making, do all her brain-work for her and act as per her needs and wants all the time. She should understand this first before she gets married. IMO, and honestly, no offense intended, your sister is just not ready for marriage.