My sister's and my family set-up? Which do you think is right?

pingme · Mar 26, 2010

ILITES, I will post here today about my sister and me, and our family set-ups. Please tell very frankly what you think.

My sister and I are married with kids. We live across the street. Both of us have 4 bedroom houses.
Neither of us have any inlaws problems.......no abuse nothing of that sort. Even husbands are co-operative. Both our families lived in US for more than 10yrs and returned last year.

My family: Dh, me and 2 kids live in the house. Inlaws live about 30mins away in their own 2 bedroom apt. Their ages are 70 and 65. We visit them in weekends or on any other holidays. They have come here sometimes too but never lived for long. In fact we never asked them to come and live with us permanantly. No bad feelings. Just did not invite them....that's it. And they also did not say they will live with us permanantly....may be because we did not invite them too. We don't know what they feel about our not calling them and we did not bother to find out too.
If they need money or anything we help them. But my FIL gets his pension and they hardly ever need our money.
In our house it is dh,me, kids and our cute puppy.

My sister's family: OK on the other hand, this is my sister. She is younger to me. They moved to US just like us and then moved back to India almost the same time as we did. They bought a house just like us. We are both across the street now. She has invited her inlaws to live with her. He inlaws never insisted they will live with my sister's family. It was my sister who said they can move in with them. Her dh did not force her to say that or anything of that sort. They gave their 2 bedroom apt for rent and moved in with my sister's family now. Both her inlaws ages are about the same as my inlaws 70 and 64-65yrs or so. Even her FIL gets pension money which they use for themselves.
So, In my sister's house, it is sister, her dh, kids and inlaws all under one roof.

I feel that I should also have atleast invited my inlaws. If they did not come then I would have that satisfaction that I invited.
Sometimes, when I go to my sister's house, I feel that her kids have the fun time with the grandparents which my kids are missing. But, again thinking on the joint family set up I am a little apprehensive too.
What do you all say??
Am I simply seeing the grass greener on the other side?
or, Am I being apprehensive of that set-up without any reason?

lavii · Mar 26, 2010

you cant compare everything with your sister
joint families have advantages and disadvantages
yes kids get extra effection and love and care from grand parents
if you guys cant adjust there is a possibilty you ruien relation also not between you and in laws probably between your dh and in laws too
if you are happy with the setup you have i guess no point in comparing with anyone else

pingme · Mar 26, 2010

Lavii, Thanks for the first fb. That is exactly why I posted here. I am happy either way. They live with me or not. I never had any problems with them and neither they because of me. So, that is why my dilemma. If I had problems then the answer is simple....NO! for this set-up. But because all is fine so I have this question.

asuitablegirl · Mar 26, 2010

Don't invite just for formalities sake... because there's a good chance they'd take you up on your offer and come to live with you permanently. Only invite them if you REALLY want them living with you, else don't offer.

Apprehensive about the joint family system? You should be. For many couples it spells disaster, resentment, tension, and total chaos, when parents come to live with them. I think short visits are the best way to go. For all you know your sister may be regretting her decision to invite them over. Or maybe she loves it. But really, you don't have to follow everything she does or doesn't do. Live according to what makes you comfortable.

Personally, I would not opt for the joint family system. Not in a million years. Granted, I have a bad relationship with my inlaws. But even if my relationship with them was good (like what you have with your inlaws) I STILL wouldn't want the joint family. There are many people who don't like it. Don't feel guilty if you're one of them. Just my two cents.

Soldier · Mar 26, 2010

Hi Pingme!

At the outset, welcome to IL.

One thing you have not mentioned. Is your husband the only son? Whether he is or not, I feel you should have given an option to your in-laws to come and stay with you. Whether they accept immediately like your sister's in-laws is a different issue. May be since you did not invite them, they also did not volunteer.

Whether there are other sons to look after them or not, I suggest the following:

You may visit them frequently and get close to them by mind in such a way, they may look forward to staying with you. Just like how we enjoy our children's company, should not they also enjoy the protection under their son? Even if they don't prefer to come and stay with you now, you can make it clear to them that your doors are always open and they should not under any circumstance, suffer for want of your company and care (wherever I write as `your company', read it as the company of their son and DIL).

Besides this, your children and your in-laws will have mutual enjoyment of each other's company. Are you a working mother? If that be the case, by inviting them to stay with you can be mentally free when you are away at work. Not only that the mutual bonding the grandparents and the children develop will be a healthy one and the children will learn moral values. This bonding will help shape up the children in such a way that they will have a right mix of modern growing up and traditional values which will make them wholesome.

Moreover, when in-laws are with you staying in touch with other elderly relatives will become easy. Otherwise, being a nuclear family, the children will not know anyone beyond this small circle.

Taking care of the in-laws, your family will also be blessed.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings!!

shrutidunwoody · Mar 26, 2010

Hi Pingme

First of all have you discussed with your dh what he prefers whether he would want his parents to stay with him or not. Secondly you said that you have absolutely no problem with your inlaws. So in that case you can leave your dh to decide and then if he is ok and you are ok then you can invite his parents.

If you and your dh are ok with this set up like meeting them often and they visiting you all, then there is no need of everyone staying under one roof as everybody are happy.

As long as there is peace and harmony there is no need of changing the set up.

SriVidya75 · Mar 26, 2010

Pls do not compare 2 families....(Its not you and your sis anymore....there are other people involved also in the family...husband, inlaws, extended relatives etc and their wavelengths with each other..)

Having said that..If you feel guilty of not inviting or not having inlaws living at your place...Tell this to your husband, let your inlaws stay with you guys like 2 weeks in a month...take it up from there...see how you all get along...initially just make it like a 2 weeks stay in a month..see how they react/treat you all...based on that make the final decision on whether move in or not...if not you can keep the 2 weeks stay thing going on...your kids would also get time to spend with grand parents...they too would be living with their son and DIL for half of the month adn the other half they can go back to their own privacy...and you can go back to your own privacy..

If things appear fine b/w you all after the 2 weeks arrangement for certain months...then you know that you all can be your own selves without having to act or be nice to each other and you all are tolerant and understanding of each other..

Good to know that you had atleast given a thought about it....nice of you dear!!

Ammu1204 · Mar 27, 2010

Hi,

I think you should have a talk with your husband regarding the same.

There will be advantages and disadvantages both living with them.

But i dont think you need to do this just becoz your sister has done it.

Talk to your sister and ask her how different is her life now from before when she lived seperately and you can discuss about general stuff which holds good for most fo the families.

mstrue · Mar 27, 2010

Pingme,

Personally speaking I like your sister's joint family set up comforting. But that is just me. You don't have to feel that way.

I would like to say though, comparing with others will often lead to confusion.. Ask your heart. Do you like to be with your ILs together under one roof? What do you think your DH would want? If you think you can compromise with ILs, joint family set up will be very rewarding.
If not, think twice for either one of you or both will get hurt..

Just to get an insight talk to your sister and find out how she feels as she has firsthand experience and is trustworthy being your blood sis.

Whatever it is, no doubt grandkids will have a nurturing environment if grandparents live with them together under one roof. Also it will be good role model for your kids in the long run to learn "give and take" in life.. be caring towards elders.. etc

I am happy that you are considering the option to live together.. very thoughtful.. Hope all goes well.

cutesmile09 · Mar 28, 2010

Hi,

I second mstrue,please speak to DH & then to your sister to have clear insight.As they say always the grass is greener on the other side,who knows your sister may be repenting with her decision now,Anywayz, you dont have to invite your inlaws just bcoz you sister had done it,discuss with your DH,weigh pros&cons and then finally come to a decision.

:cheers