My Sister Is Having Confusion Regarding Second Time Ttc

generic · Sep 8, 2019

Please excuse me for putting such a long post...

I am posting this thread for sake of my sister.....she is in early thirties..she has a small toddler whom she just enrolled in play school after completion of 2 yrs.
She is not in IL..is having some dilemma..Kindly go through situation and clarify confusion..so I can help her out..
She by nature is not very hale and hearty type..she is having thyroid, low immunity and stamina levels always feeling weak n tired, very tension type like she gets stressed out about small stuff also...
She concievd after a few years of marriage only, due to different reasons like first two years they didn't want to try for kids due to career reasons...after that there were major fights and misunderstandings between husband wife and with inlaws..it took long time to resolve differences...then she had health problems and needed treatment ( not fertility treatment, some other treatment ).. After trying for a long time, she concieved..
From beginning of pregnancy itself there were issues with reports and doc said there is lot of risk and she needs bed rest..her in laws were not willing to support during this time as they had other commitments...her MIL grudgingly looked after her for sometime but directly or indirectly she showed her helplessness of being made to help as a duty..she did stay with parents too for sometime..
Lot of misunderstandings happened within family during pregnancy ...she developed severe health problem during late pregnancy..doctor had to deliver her very early ...third trimester just started and they did Caesarian ...so all of us were shocked by this situation and she had a tough time going to hospital and coming back and all struggled especially my parents to bring child to normal situation..
After delivery too when she was at parents place and at in laws place too lot of mis understandings happened with in laws...no peace of mind..
Now her in laws are quite affectionate towards child so with a compromise my sis is living with in laws...
Now issue is that : she is in early thirties...her husband crossed mid thirties...kid is 2 yr plus...all are trying her to try for second kid..
She is scared to try for second kid because :
1. She is not sure about fertility ...during. TTC time she had to bear irritating remarks from other ladies in family circle..if she tries she doesn't know how much time and effort and how much treatment has to be done to get pregnant...already she is early thirties...
2. During pregnancy itself many health issues were there...after delivery she became over weight and that lead to other health issues..with difficulty she lost little weight but still she is borderline overweight..she is afraid of facing all health problems again and high risk pregnancy again and she is afraid how second kid will be..because with first kid itself since delivery happened very early after beginning of third trimester she is scared second will be like that..
3. Doc has told her that if she concieves again she needs full high risk care and checkups every week..bed rest recommended for her etc..they can't guarantee if they can prolong pregnancy till full term given her medical history...
4. She is having some misunderstandings with her husband so not sure how much he will support..
In laws can't give full support if she is on bed rest and needs hospitalisation..they are not in position to arrange full time maid or full time nanny as too expensive....in laws are old.parents also old and struggled a lot to support first pregnancy and hospitalisation of first baby...she is feeling bad to trouble them...
5. My sister had to leave her job after conceiving ...now she is getting job offers..so she is confused how her career will be affected if she has second one..
6. Everyone is telling her - have one more kid...else first kid will become lonely..,and whom will he have to share his problems ? And u also need one more kid who can care for you,...don't stop with single kid etc..she is feeling sad on hearing this...
7. Educating and bringing up one kid itself is tough,.how to a manage second kid? If she requires hospitalisation and bed rest who will look after first kid? If first kid is also born early and underweight how to manage two kids at the same time?What about high expense of pregnancy and delivery ( high risk pregnancy care and C section delivery cost more than normal...and neonatal care is very expensive along with second baby care ) ..if she is younger she can wait for first kid to grow up but she is in early thirties so can't try after some years..she will have to take career break if she has second kid so cannot help with expenses..can't afford full time maid and nanny .alraedy have loan to repay etc..
8. She is nervous about starting all over again...like pregnancy, c section pain, neonatal care, BFing...sleepless nights..waking up late after a sleepless night and hearing snide remarks from MIL about sleeping late and not doing any work etc...guests coming at all odd times and giving her unwanted parenting advice, managing all work etc...

Kindly clarify confusion ..its her personal decision...but in similar circumstance is it practical to try for second kids...or shud parents concentrate on bringing up one child properly?
Requesting for sharing thoughts on this...

MalStrom · Sep 9, 2019

It's the decision of your sister and her husband on whether to have a second child or not. It doesn't matter what we say or others say. The parents are the ones who are going to be responsible for the child. Family members will nag and then they will move on to something else or someone else to harass.
If your sister and BIL are happy with one child they don't need to bend to others. If they want a second child themselves they should list all their concerns, come up with a plan to manage on their own and then act accordingly.

ashneys · Sep 9, 2019

Who’s all these “everyone” ???

Did they or are they helping your sister with all these problems you have mentioned ???

Until unless someone is there for her or gonna go through it along with her, support her, there’s no need to listen to those “everyone”.

Whatever you have written outweighs bad than good.

Raising a single kid itself is tough with all these issues n an expensive affair these days.

N with such a full high risk care
Need of constant medical care
With no or little support from husband n in laws
Health issues
Financial issues
I would advise my sister to think it through n decide as a couple together.

Angela123 · Sep 9, 2019

All these questions seems very normal for a couple who want another kid. Still people go through it. Every pregnancy, every parent and every child is different. you cannot generalize anything, how much you prepare or not, you will learn to handle situation when it comes it's about your kid. If you sister wants to have another kid, think it through and be ready to take care of the baby no matter what. Every child is a huge responsibility and blessing. The questions you have here is the same question every woman ask when thinking about having child, and i am pretty sure everyone has different answers to it. So all you sister has to find is the way that fits her!

SGBV · Sep 11, 2019

Why are you or your sis worrying so much about "Everyone"
Who are these "Everyone"
Have they helped her when she was sick with the first kid?
Have they helped her when she needed helps during pregnancy, c-section, postnatal care, BFing etc..etc.. the last time around?
Will they come and help your sister during her pregnancy journey the second time around?
Will they pay her bills or take care of her expenses should she leave her career after conceiving the second kid?
Will they come forward to take care of the elder kid, as your sister might need prolonged hospital stay and care the second time around?
Will they give some promise to your sister to take complete care of her kid(s) if things go wrong during the second pregnancy and if that means she risks her life?

I guess NO... Then why she has to worry about these "Everyone", who are here only to advice and criticize.

Your sister can analyze the pros and cons of having a second baby together with her spouse. Considering all the facts, including her health, that of her care takers (PILS, parents), and financial matters, age and everything, the couple can come up with a joint decision.

Even if that is YES for the second time TTC, your sister or her spouse shouldn't have to tell everyone about their decision/TTC journey.
They can announce the pregnancy news once it is OK.

Why give so much power to the people who are not even in our lives?

yellowmango · Sep 11, 2019

If the husband is not helpful and doesn't support,then even he shouldn't get equal right to decide.

She is the one who has to suffer through a second pregnancy and aftermath.

Tell her to be a bit self loving and only think how a pregnancy will effect her and her life .
Will she be able to manage without long term damage to herself and her life ?

After that,whatever she decides,support her in every possible way.

As for others....if they ask, she should tell them about her health and financial problem and ask them how they are going to help her out in her tough time.

generic · Sep 13, 2019

Thank you all for replies..recently my sis became very emotional regarding this topic and she even consulted a few docs with earlier reports..she could not get any guarantee about her chances of having. A normal delivery the second time..most importantly no guarantee of carrying to full term I.e 36 or 37 weeks the second time..she Will need cervical stitch and full bed rest with medications if she becomes pregnant again,..hospitalizations as and when required...she got little tensed after hearing..
Many Ladies in our family circle entering their thirties are having second one..this pits pressure on her...
thing is with great difficulty only she is managing one baby and the challenges of living in joint family with elderly in laws are tiring her out..she goes all awwww when she sees a cute baby or cute baby stuff sold in baby stores etc..at the same time she knows the reality of High risk pregnancy, problems associated with premature labours etc...now itself they have home loan and her in laws made it quite clear that they only have to manage their financial responsibilities and they can't commit to helping out with kids..they can only support to some extent but they have other commitments and they will travel for many months a year to their native during which she should make her own arrangements etc..
its her personal decision of course...just was looking for different points of view Many People have this confusion if they've faced this situation..would have taken different decisions based on their circumstances...

DDream · Sep 13, 2019

These people who are trying to convince her for second pregnancy is not going to take care of her baby , her first child, or her when she goes through a high risk pregnancy again or when she is unhealthy. If she needs bed rest who will do everything for her. Will all these relatives line up , will they support her physically and financially.

I am sure no one. No one can share her pain or discomfort.

Many couples I know have only one kid, I dont think those kids are facing any issue as there are many other friends and cousins to play with them. Once they are in school , they can find many. In India, its not tough.

Having a healthy life and being alive is important than having another baby and spoiling everything. She need to be there for her first kid.

Its none others business to think about what she need to do ( problem with Indian society , many women face it, if not married, they ask about marriage; after marriage , ask about TTC, if they have first kid, ask about second...it will never end. what the ****)

If she really wants another, she needs to talk to the doctor. If its high risk, who will advice her to proceed. I think her concerns are very genuine. If she dont have any confidence to proceed, its better not to.

I feel that even her husband dont have much say in this, because she is the only person going through all those tough situation (I cannot imagine about bed rest). Please request all those relatives to shut up and mind their business. She need to develop a thick skin to face those kind of people.

Its her life, being healthy and alive for her and child is more important than anything else.

If someone is so worried about her, let that person volunteer to be the surrogate mother for her second child . Are they ready for that? I am sure , no one will.

So OP, support her decision and stand up for her.

( if she is really healthy for an easy pregnancy, it is good to try, to have a sibling child- but its should be their own decision, not for family members or society . But suggesting her to go through all at this risk!!! Is she ready to suffer that much? Let her decide)

generic · Sep 16, 2019

DDream said: ↑

These people who are trying to convince her for second pregnancy is not going to take care of her baby , her first child, or her when she goes through a high risk pregnancy again or when she is unhealthy. If she needs bed rest who will do everything for her. Will all these relatives line up , will they support her physically and financially.

I am sure no one. No one can share her pain or discomfort.

Many couples I know have only one kid, I dont think those kids are facing any issue as there are many other friends and cousins to play with them. Once they are in school , they can find many. In India, its not tough.

Having a healthy life and being alive is important than having another baby and spoiling everything. She need to be there for her first kid.

Its none others business to think about what she need to do ( problem with Indian society , many women face it, if not married, they ask about marriage; after marriage , ask about TTC, if they have first kid, ask about second...it will never end. what the ****)

If she really wants another, she needs to talk to the doctor. If its high risk, who will advice her to proceed. I think her concerns are very genuine. If she dont have any confidence to proceed, its better not to.

I feel that even her husband dont have much say in this, because she is the only person going through all those tough situation (I cannot imagine about bed rest). Please request all those relatives to shut up and mind their business. She need to develop a thick skin to face those kind of people.

Its her life, being healthy and alive for her and child is more important than anything else.

If someone is so worried about her, let that person volunteer to be the surrogate mother for her second child . Are they ready for that? I am sure , no one will.

So OP, support her decision and stand up for her.

( if she is really healthy for an easy pregnancy, it is good to try, to have a sibling child- but its should be their own decision, not for family members or society . But suggesting her to go through all at this risk!!! Is she ready to suffer that much? Let her decide)
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Thanks for the reply..yes even I was thinking the same..if it's a healthy pregnancy and normal delivery...or even healthy normal pregnancy with a Csection then it's quite ok to try for a second kid as there is very good chance of second one being quite normal too...but in such case of high risk pregnancy with lot of medical attention needed is definitely something to be concerned about..no , she won't get full support from in laws..parents already suffered a lot she doesn't want to trouble...just imagine, if she has to be on bed Rest for 8- 9 months who will look after her needs, who will look after her kid who is Very small...she is scared..I m also telling her not to take risk..she suffered from severe stress and post partum depression the first time itself, so it's not just physical but emotional health which is at stake..