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My Saga, What should I be doing

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by MonicaAmr, Feb 6, 2010.

  1. MonicaAmr

    MonicaAmr New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am 32 year lady, married for last 10 years now. Yeah, got married at an early age. I do come from an orthodox family, but am a rebel since childhood. But the rebellion is only in thoughts and courage to act on my own has never shown up in real life. Have seen my Father being such an obedient son of his mom and my mom bearing the brunt of being Daughter in law in the family.

    Well, one year after my graduation, Parents started prospective husband search for me. I am a very beautiful girl and naturally everyone whom I met, and thats precisely only 2 guys had liked me. They were not worth consideration though. Now here came this third guy. Was not a dream come true kinds, but not worth rejection. Family seemed Ok, though my Dad is much more capable and successful than this guy's father. After our ritual of seeing each other, his parents started continually following up to ask our decision. My parents also started pushing me for decision and ofcourse kept insisting about virtues of this prospective guy. Thinking that parents would always be right, I said YES. That moment kinda changed things forever. I was taken ILL by high fever immediately. Next 5 days I was ill. My elder sister kind of got a hint of issue, but I thought its too late.

    We got engaged in 2 weeks. And the nightmare that would be started unfolding as a lil bad dream. This guy, who is now HUSBAND, was ONLY interested in my body. Any meeting, Any chance and this guy would just keep exploting me. This is all my courtship phase was. No gifts, No surprises, No fun, No Movies, No Romantic talks, Only and Only Physical advetures. I somehow saved myself from the possible final assault before marriage.

    Now this guy marries me. In the marriage hall, my MIL, the dragon of my life asks me to call her as MOM and not as aunty. Gosh, that was the beginning of the things to come. Very entry in the house and this lady kept insisting on me calling her MOM or not talk to me. We left for a town where this guy used to work. When we were sitting together, this guy told me that I should call his MOM as MOM, and on top of that also said, whats wrong with it? Hell...The time when someone should have stood by me and that too the man called HUBBY, I was told to fall in line.

    This man continued assaulting my body. Almost raping me every hour. He was horrible enough not to even use contraceptive. I was detected pregnant after 3 months into marriage at the age of 22. Somehow he agreed that I should abort this child. I underwent the MTP. Immediately after MTP was the festival in his family. This guy pushed me to travel by train, doing 24 hours journey and attend the function in his family. When I went there, I was completely under instructions of the lady who was dying to hear MOM from me. I did that. His family rejoiced. This MIL continously kept giving me the dose of gyan. The lessons were all around how to be a good wife, good daughter in law and good woman. I should be pleasantly ready when hubby arrives, I should cook well...everything centered around this Rapist ONLY. My presence was only for him and my small age was not worth consideration at all. I returned to Rapists place after family function. The body was tired with travel and also MTP, and I developed abdomen infection. Was admitted to the hospital. Rapist acted as if he cared a lot. Spent day and night around me in the hospital.

    Life continued. I am now 10 years into marriage. This man has not changed and his parents have also not changed an iota.

    I have a 6 years daugther now. I can not get over the past. The trauma of calling this lady MOM, of This Rapist being unsupportive. I stay with Rapist, my daugther and his brother. His parents keep coming every 3 months for around 2 months or so..

    My mother had gifted him gold chain. His mother also had gifted one. This rapist always used to wear the one gifted by his MOM. I protested once. His mom promptly went and got one chain by combining the two. But why should Rapist not wear something gifted by my MOM? Whenever MIL visits us, keeps changing the place of my kitchen utensils. Has not sensitivity to what I say. I am particular about good habits like saving power, keeping cleanliness etc. His parents have no habit of switching off lights or Television mains. When I once strongly protested, hell broke lose. We had a big fight due to the fact that DIL had dared to strongly tell something. To show me their anger, the couple left the house and went to their own place. Is this called considering me daughter? What an urge to getting called as MOM and when a girl who is half her age tells something strongly, this lady leaves the house. Rapist did a huge drama of that episode. Cried, yelled at me, saying I had broken his family. Gosh, I had to call them up, beg pardon, ask for their pardon and urge them to return. They showed as if they had pardoned me and promised me that they would be back. What a ****. Had I said anything that wrong where I had to beg, urge, keeping aside my self respect...and for whom? The man whom I never wanted to marry.

    Time is passing by, I am unable to live even with the presence of this Rapist around. He is a sweet talker and always keeps urging me that he cares a lot and all and contiued that till another rape.

    I am non working woman. What should I do to get rid of the Rapist and his monster mom and his spineless father? I dont have a big urge to even stay for my daughter now.

    WHAT SHOULD I DO? Please Suggest
     
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  2. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Monica,
    I am apalled to read ur story.. Could u throw some more light on why u call ur husband a rapist?.. is there any kind of physical abuse or just emotional apathy shown by men?.. The reason is if u feel ur husband is assaulting u physically then u have to file a case and sue him atleast for the sake of ur own dignity..

    Here's an interesting observation i have made about ur childhood..
    Look, a lot of our adult behavior is a reflection of our childhood experiences.. Ur mom had very little say in the house.. ur dad was a mama's boy.. did this trigger ur rebel behavior?.. U were identifying the attrocities against ur mom but never had the courage to stand up for her?.. Were u suppressed by ur dad when u stood up for ur mom?.. Did this kind of suppression eventually leave u with no courage even to stand up for urself?..

    What were the virtues in this guy?.. Were those apparent virtues ur parents saw in him genuine?.. Did they even verify things about this guy?.. Or were u just being fooled?..

    This was before ur marriage when it was easier to call off an engagement than to bear the brunt for the rest of ur life.. This problem had to be nipped in the bud itself than play around with ur life.. U get only one life to live!!.. U should have slapped him on the face whenever he made physical advances towards u and called off the engagement..
    Also, were ur parents aware of this kind of behavior from the guy?..


    Hey i dont think it is a big issue.. Calling ur MIL as mom.. U wont lose anything by doing it.. why be a rebel in such things also?..

    Why did u even bear it?.. Could u not tell this to ur parents..

    Ghosh!! an innocent life was being killed..

    First find a job for urself and divorce that guy.. The reason i am telling u to do this is atleast save the rest of ur life.. U are in a loveless marriage.. He has used u only for his physical satisfaction.. He is not convicted for rape because he is legally married to u and approved by parents.. If he feels he is ur husband he should also provide u with the security and protect u.. If he is so unsupportive and only uses u for physical satisfaction then please move out of the marriage.. Atleast stand up for urself.. Life has taught u a harsh lesson for not standing up for urself before marriage itself..
    I think u have never accepted him from the beginning itself.. I can understand the situation.. Also from the unsupportive behavior of ur husband, there is no love between u both.. Dont fall for his sweet talks and become a victim again and again.. He is not a man of character..
    Become financially indepedent and leave him.. Chances are that when u talk of leaving him, he might entrap u by his sweet talks.. dont fall for it.. stay far far away from such people with whom u dont feel safe..
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  3. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    yeah i agree to riya
    Hey i think gift is something given to someone...even if they accept it, its their wish to use it or not. There might be chances he liked it or he did not like it. Considering he did not like it,its his choice to wear the chain . You can't force someone to use the gift especially when they don't like it. There is nothing wrong if I don't use ALL the gifts i get. Isn't it??
     
  4. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Monica,

    Let me summarize your post and see the major problems that need immediate attention

    - You are a rebel since childhood, but unfortunately you had no courage to act on your own due to your family circumstances. That is something bothering your inner mind.
    - You have used the terms like MARITAL RAPE and SEXUAL EXPLOITATION in your thead here. These issues are very serious and could be considered as valid reasons for legal separation.
    - You have been forced to call your MIL as MOM, but your MIL never treated you as her own daughter
    - You are a non working mom... You need to get rid of this life due to all the above reasons.

    Ok... Here goes my answers:-

    I think according to your post, your husband's violant behaviour (sexual approaches) is the main problem in your marriage. It seems, you don't enjoy the act, rather suffer from the begining.
    If that is the case, I wonder how did you manage to pass 10 years in this mariage hell?

    Having often sexual IC with your spouse is not a crime, but it should be on mutual interest and pleasure. If you feel like you have been forced to sleep with him, then it is time for you to stand up and say NO to his request.

    - How about telling him that you are tired, sick or not interested now?

    - Do you think he will physically abuse you (like beating, slapping etc..) when you refuse to corporate with him?

    - Has there been any instances like that?

    Please stick on to your main problem and try to find a good solution to that before mixing it with other minor issues.

    - How does your MIL's request to call her as mom relate with your husband's violent behaviour?
    - What if your MIL doesn't wanna treat you like her daughter?
    - What if your DH doesn't wanna wear your mother's gift?
    - What made you to think that your DH is acting as if he is caring you?

    Please we need clear answers for the above questions before giving some useful ideas to help you.

    PS: I have seen many raped victims and sexually exploited women in my profession. So I know what is rape and what is exploitation means.
    Just because your husband wants to have sex with you regularly, doesn't mean he is raping you or exploiting you (unless you have been forcefully assaulted by him without your concent). Please clarify.
     
  5. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Monica,

    If your husband was not using contraceptives, then why couldn't you have gone on birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies? You were 22, not 12 or 13 right? Abortion is not birth control. I can understand you opting for an abortion if you were going to divorce this guy and didn't want a child to be brought into a broken marriage. But if you continued staying with him and had no plans to divorce then why you had abortion? Why kill the child unnecessarily?

    If you are not interested in having sex with this guy then just tell him. Did you ever say no? What is the big deal in calling your mil 'mother'? You are not going to lose anything by it. As for not wearing the chain your mother bought, it is a gift. It is his choice whether to use it or not. Do you use all gifts you get? Many times I give away many gifts I get to Salvation Army etc. Your hubby may have not wanted to wear two chains. So he may have just worn the one given by his own mother. You could have worn the chain your mother gave.

    I am sorry. I just sort of switched off from your post when I saw you aborted your baby unnecessarily when you had no plans to divorce this guy. You even had another child with him. This makes your abortion an unnecessary snuffing out of an innocent life. If you have no urge to stay with hubby then just get a job or start a small business and leave the house and file for divorce.
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    A lot of REBEL was needed in the starting when things started going wrong, especially the courtship phase.

    What to do now -
    1) Tell this fellow what exactly you're tired of... the xxx part.
    2) Do some short term vocational course that can help you find a job.
    3) Go back to parents if they can afford you without you working & if they're ready to take you in.

    Being rebellious in thoughts but still bearing what you never wanted, is the worst for any creature cos at the end of day you always have this complain that nothing was & went according to you.
    My DH belongs to this category & I know he suffers v badly cos many times he doesn't know what to do or how to react.
     
  7. rajimum

    rajimum New IL'ite

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    Well, You may feel bad about what I am suggesting Moica, but I am with some experience in counselling and behavioural science.

    Your association with your Husband (You have used very derogatory word for someone with whom you have been for last 10 years and have become mom of a daughter) would not have been bad for all 10 years. I am more or less sure about it. After all, life can not continue to be bad for all the years. Atleast your parents should have known what has happened. You havent mentioned a word about it. Clearly means you have not told them or have not felt the need to do so. No parents would let the daughter suffer even after knowing the conditions.

    Let me be very frank. Healthy physical relationship is important for married life. Now if you want to equate the partner with your "Beautiful looks" and then only judge if he deserves u or not is not an appropriate mechanism. Its way too superficial.

    Regarding your in laws and their relationships, come on, u havent even mentioned any dowry and other issues. The issues mentioned r quite trivial. Have u not said sorry to ur MOM? ur DAD? they too would have done lot of things which for u were wrong, but they were right. Have u carried that big a grudge for them? If not, why for In laws. Gifts and all is a real minor stuff and creating huge issues out of that is WRONG. Have u never thought of any positives in ur relationships? pl spend some time thinking abt it.

    Actually I have based my opinion only on few lines mentioned by you. Pl see for urself if I am right or wrong.

    Update the post with points that u need more discussion on

    BFN

    Raji
     
  8. Mihisha

    Mihisha Senior IL'ite

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    Hello!

    I would advise taking up job ( anything ), divorce this guy - Do this AT ANY COST. Even if you do not have a formal education, just get into some boutique business/ learn some skill like beautician course ( which wud always be in demand) and speciliaze in lets say, hair cutting.... Or you may conduct tuition classes from home/ start a business of providing lunches/ anything BUT GET OUT OF THIS MESS... As someone rightly pointed here, we get life only once and please do make urself happy!

    good luck!
     

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