My mom's problem with my SIL

Actually i DO NOT have a brother...My parents do everything on their own...and if they cannot they keep a maid! The reality is expectations r very high from DIL's.

I do have a son. I am going to make sure that once he starts working he lives separately.

What is wrong in not living together? You can still take care of ur parents wen u r not living with them. In fact a little distance can actually make people come closer.

 

Just my thought on this.. Previously men were the bread winners of the house.. Their job was to go out and earn while the woman had to take care of household chores..
But now, the scenario is changed where both men and women work.. So both finance and household chores has to be shared equally.. When women can get adjusted to working outside then men can get adjusted to helping a bit in household chores..
The norm is something we establish for ourselves and not what the society commands..

 

They are taking advantage of your mother. Period.

 

My post had been taken out of context. I was explaining why her MIL is expecting her to help in the house and how normal it is in Indian context. Because some posters were questioning would she do the same to her daughter. Anyway here MIL is also a working woman, she is not a home maker. But she is able to balance house work and office work at her age apart from looking after her son and DIL. Why no sympathy for her then? What is her life? Because she is asking for a little help from DIL she is abusive and not looking at DIL like a daughter? Actually I have seen some mothers getting irritated with their daughters when they dump their kids on them to pursue their careers. In one instance where the mother was also a working lady , her elder daughter's kids were looked after by younger daughter and she used to feel burdened by it all. Nobody likes to be made use of whether it is one's own family or ILs.

I accept what you say that both husband and wife should share housework equally when they both are working or adjust with each other depending on their schedule. But the OP's mother need not carry the burden of all abusive MILs who ill treat their working DILs. She is just asking for a reasonable help and she should get it. JMO.

Just because the MIL is expecting her DIL to help in the house hold work, it does not mean she is favouring her son. It had been so in her generation so her thinking is understandable. She looks equally frustrated with son also that he is not understanding her position. If son and DIL are busy with their careers, then they should atleast engage a maid and give their share of expenses.

 

So, the MIL should just shut up and keep doing all the work while the Princess DIL sits around and lets the older lady do all the work?

As for the 'same housework' becoming too much - yes, the workload increases with the entry of every new member into the family. Plus, MILs get older, slower and less efficient. So, they look forward to having some help with it, from the younger members of the family. Why is this wrong?

The OP's mother is not expecting a full time maid. She wants the DIL to do HER SHARE of the household work and pick up after herself. I simply don't understand the Princess attitude that one should not lift a finger or do a day's work in one's life but let someone else - esp. an OLDER person - do all of the household work without complaint! And, if the MIL complains, then she's being unfair and expecting the DIL to be a maid! Since when was picking up after oneself equal to being someone else's maid / slave?

Spoiled little fluffy kittens of princesses should remain in their castles, not marry, because marriage is all about RESPONSIBILITY. And that includes household chores!

I don't understand this. How is expecting the DIL to do her share of the work equate to having high expectations from her?

And hiring a maid? This is a woman who buys two eggs for three people and turns away the gas delivery guy because she does not have Rs. 300 in the house, even though she MUST have known that a new cylinder would be delivered anytime!!! No cylinder = no cooking! And she is going to hire a maid? Please.

The one place where I agree with you is that the MIL and the young couple should live separately. That might help them to GROW UP. As long as the Mom / MIL is in the picture, they will continue taking advantage of her. Imagine her plight when grandchildren arrive!!!!

OP, ask your mother to move out. That might be in her best interests.

 

hmmm...actually in this scenario i do not support the dil or the mil since i do not know wat exactly the situation is.
But my point is plain nd simple...better to live separately than fight over petty issues. Joint families are a very useful system but in most cases one party (either the dil or the mil) is hurt by the other.

In my opinion two women unless they r mother and daughter cannot share the same kitchen. It will always lead to misunderstandings.

My intention was not to hurt anybody by wat i wrote. This is strictly my opinion.

 

On a lighter note. Even this is a myth. Once we get married and are used to our own lifestlye it is difficult to share kitchen with mother also unless we learn to be flexible.

 

I am not at all a fan of joint families. I think people should have their spaces. The kind of joint family I prefer is one where everyone lives WITHIN the same compound (so that they are there for each other in times of emergency) but also have their own 'portions' (so that they do not give up their privacy / space / independence). Shared living spaces and shared kitchens are NOTHING but recipes for disaster!!!

My opinion is that even mothers and daughters or sisters cannot share a kitchen. I can't share mine with my mother without going crazy!!! So I don't think I will able to share with my daughter, either, when she is older or has her own household. I do not have sisters, but even if I did, I'd still want my own kitchen! JMO.

 

you mom Should be very catogoric and put it in a very diplomatic way that she requires some privacy at her old age and some time for herself andshe should move on and stay alone ...I haven't read others advice here, but this is my opinion...high time, when she is financially independent...then why make kids lazy by doing everything by herself.

you Bro and Sil need to grow up now and take responsibilites.


regards,
Kavitha.

 

Agreed,
Absolutely ,every one has to have thier own space, but it matter and differs from person to person as to what and how much one can tolorate.
I can tolerate my MIL, My Mother in the same kitchen, as we gel well, but there are other things that I find hard to adjust even with my own mom.

It is a matter of understanding @ the end of the day, here the OP's mother seems to be understanding, but the DIL is trying to take it for granted which is not acceptable at all, so just move on and be on your self should be the motto isn't it...


regards,
Kavitha.