My mom's insecurity

I am so sorry Peartree.

I think you haven't had enough time to go through my past old threads about my in laws and the sufferings that I had to go through during the first few years of my marriage life.

My MIL was not just bad mouthing, not just discrimination or harassing me. If they were the issues, I would have simply over looked them and moved on. I always had this patience to tolerate such people, and stand on their shoes when they were unreasonable to me. I know MILs always have this insecurity when their sons get married.

Here the case is different. My PILs never accepted our marriage, so from the very beginning they tried to separate us. They pushed their son to send me away from him time in and time out citing serious astrological predictions. Because my husband's weakness is to believe in horoscope and astrology way too much.
When we were separated, they played double games with us. I was carrying that time.
They told me that my husband won't come to visit you because he doubt the paternity of your kid. They advised me to terminate my pregnancy as it is not good for the family to have such confusion at the very beginning.
However, they told my husband that the timing of this conception is not good for his life, so he better stay away from me throughout the pregnancy.
I always wanted this to be cleared out from my husband. He never accepted this nor believed his parents could tell this to me then. But he never visited me either. So, I doubted as if he was playing double games.

Meanwhile, they brain-washed my husband and asked him to deposit our savings (million dollars) with their account as they were applying for a schengan tourist visa. Since it was a distance marriage that too at the very early stage, my husband shared all our savings (from the joint acc) to theirs, with the hope of getting the money back once their visa file is accepted (that's a normal practice here). But eventually, he was being careless and I was not aware of this happening... then a lot of our problems came with the arrival of our kid... So, PILs took away all the money for them, and brought a house, jewels, and some FD on their name for retirement.
When asked, they said.. They always expected a lumsum from their sons as dowry, but since he had a love marriage, they took in on his behalf....

When my son was born, they gave us a tough time, and pushed me to death bed (yes, I attempted to commit a suicide, but survived after being in coma for some days). They kept my son in a cloth which was only used for funeral purposes by MIL in the past 13 years in that family when I was in hospital. They always condemned my son, and never accepted to take care of him when me and mom were in the hospital in serious condition.
My unmarried young sister took good care of my new born son at time...

My husband realized all that only after I decided to separate him.... He chose me instead of them, and we all moved out of town. My mom was a mom to my husband at time as he chose to be with me. Life turned smooth since then.

But with job transfer and all, we had to come back to the same place... This time also, they gave us ultimate trouble in the name of helping our new house construction. But we point blank rejected their help, and never invited them for the house warming. We didnt even share the good news of our second pregnancy with them despite living in the same locality. We were not in visiting or talking terms then.

But after their second son's marriage, MIL was extremely humiliated by the crowed - her own people for various stuff. Her second DIL, despite being her own niece disrespected her, and took away her son to a separate home only after learning what MIL has done to us. It was all shared to her by her husband (my BIL) only. Now that her 3rd son also getting married. He too asked her not to attend his marriage as it happens in UK.
FIL is sick, and MIL is extremely lonely. None of her kids are with them... With this condition, when we moved to our new house (just in front of them), they slowly started mingling with us.
I point blank rejected her before. Never welcomed her home. My kids cried if she were to lift them. But slowly, she came in with us like a maid, supporter and during all these while she was extremely nice.
My mom and MIL were also getting alone quite well after a long silence and nonacceptance. But she stayed only outside of our home, and never got to mingle too much with us.

Later, slowly my husband moved for them. Whenever she cried about her fate, and confessed for her sins even I felt upset about it. So, I only allowed my husband to visit her and be of any help as her other sons are living far away from her. We only give her financial support as it is not a great issue for us.

I strongly believe in myself now, and I know MIL or anyone can not take anything away from me anymore. But my mom does not have such self confidence. She always fears as to what comes our way if we were to mingle more with MIL. She is upset, and dreams of all the bad things.

To attest this, once MIL has told my son only to use his HINDU name and also call her sister by her HINDU name only. Our kids have both HINDU and CHRISTIAN names, but we call them at home with a pet name only. She also did brainwash my son in various other ways, which he parrots to me later on. But I diplomatically handle this as I never believed my MIL. As long as she is good, I am good with her. If not, I can be an evil too.

My husband also listen to me now, and I feel like if I keep MIL out of our life, he can't be this happy with me now. We both went through a lot, so we need to be happy now.

But my mom is insecure. She thinks my BILs are clever or nice so they listened to their wives and threw out their evil mom. But my H does not listen to me or both of us are not clever as we still keep the evil at the door step.

With this fear, she creates drama all the time. That's what I explained before. She will be fine the minute I decide to close my door for MIL. I can do that.. No one can question me, not even my H. But I wont do that because of my H. However I am ready to do that when the need comes. My mom feels it is the right time to do that, else we will never be able to do that again.

To make me listen to her, my mom play this sick drama.. or she is becoming sick on a daily basis with this strong fear... Except for making her religious, and have complete trust in God so that no evil can attack us, I can't do much here.

What can I do if I am married to an angel who happen to be an EVIL's son?
Also what can I do if my angel mother becomes an EVIL by thinking she can be more protective this time? Only God can help. Just a vent again. Sorry

 

I live in my own land, own country and with the own family relatives and friends surrounded by us. But my in laws came all the way from India, only to grab our money and build a house in one of our land (near us) and live there as they claim they can't live in India while their sons are not anymore living there (Elder one is my H, middle one is working in middle east, and younger one is settled in UK). MIL does not have any siblings and FIL's ancestors are connected to my place.

I just let my husband pay for their needs as a duty. I won't do anything for them. Just that, I dont fight with anyone unless they initiate a fight with me. So far, so good as MIL keeps calm. I believe in God, so I guess she won't bring back any problems hereafter as God won't let me suffer again.

 

Dear pear

A very big like for your post. You have spoken my mind very clearly above.

As for TV remote... I have never ever asked my mom to hand-over the remote for my husband or anyone until she finishes her programmes. We have our own in our bed-room. Just that H would love to sit in the hall, and enjoy TV (whatever the programme) with all of us.
If we leave to the bed-room once H is present, it would also irritate mom.
More over, my H has this bad habit of changing channels while there is a break... and then leave them like that and concentrate on something else. It had affected mom as she thinks H purposely do that to chase her away from there. I know H does that for me, and everyone as a matter of his habit. Nothing against mom. But I have hard time in explaining this to my mom. Her already feared mind suspect my H and thinks him only as a son of MIL and not as a H of mine. That's the problem here, not the TV or remote.

MIL's random visit is indeed an additional burden. Since I never talk to this woman face to face unless she asked me anything... I can't sit and explain anything to her. But I have already told my H to instruct her to visit on certain time, so that my mom can have a routine break.
Not sure whether she listens or not... So, I have asked my mom to lock the gate from inside during odd times like feeding kids, putting them to sleep and praying. So that no one can disturb her routine. MIL can play with the kids other times.

As for leaving the kids with MIL and let mom to enjoy... Both mom and myself won't appreciate that. We are yet to trust the MIL. How can we leave our precious kids with her?
So, I always ask mom to keep an eye on MIL, but at the same time relax as much as possible so that MIL would run behind the kids

Disciplining kids by MIL is a great idea. I have never thought about that. Thanks for giving this tip.
Yes. My MIL would spoil the kids with a lot of freedom to play, jump and eat anything.. So that mom has to do double work to clean them, feed them again, and warn them not to fall...
So here, I am going to ask MIL (through H) to clean the kids before she leaves if she allows them to play with sands or mud.
Also, strictly not to give anything to kids to eat at odd times, as it affects their routine meal times
Also, to be careful when they take risky steps like climbing and running... as MIL allows anything, which mom wont

I know the reason behind my mom's insecurity, problems and aggressive behavior very well... But just because my MIL was worst, I cant keep on confronting my H for that. When MIL shows a happy face, I should accept it and move on because I too need a happy foundation for my marriage at least even now. That's why? I expect my mom to understand this, and over look it.... Because she is my mom... Only I can expect anything and everything from her, not from others.

 

Dears

I repeat, I have forgiven them because keeping the grudge within me only affected my health and happiness so far. After having gone through a lot of meditation, and religious meetings to get over from what I went through, finally I am able to forgiven them. I treat them as non-existence, so I don't get any bad feelings whenever I see them back. I attained that level of maturity now a days. Although it seems unbelievable, it is true... Even this morning I met my MIL at my home, but I could not recall what dress she was wearing, or how she looked. I just could not take her anymore into my mind.

I dont trust her. I don't allow my kids to play with her because they need to taste their paternal grand parents love. NO
I would even allow my kids to play with anyone whoever come to my house under my mom's vigilance. This is just like that.
I could have simply thrown her away if she were to continue the same face. My H would have understood my stand-point.
But for the last one year or so, she is extremely great. So harm so far... So, throwing her away from her own son's place/life will only affect our hard earned love life. That's why I am allowing.
But i never allow my kids alone with her or with my H's supervision when she is around. I know my H would trust her because she is his own mom. So, I make needful precaution every time though it is tiring.

She understands very well that she can have no place in my home or heart anymore. She comes and plays only in the varanda and never comes inside.

We can't keep running away from our enemies. It will make no end.... So, I decided to face them now. Yes, they might have changed, or wearing a clean mask... I don't know.. But they can't enter into the home or heart of us.

My elder son well aware of their past behavior but he is too small to react. My husband and I also know that. That's why I repeatedly say, I can't forget my past, trust them again... but I have gone matured to forgive them and move on... It is purely for my own peace of mind.

I pray my mom too attain that level of maturity and wisdom soon. Thats only possible through prayers.. Thanks