My Mom Is Constantly Triggering Me

Dear @SGBV

I am sorry you are undergoing physical stress due to your mom.

From my personal experience, take a break from your trigger, who is mom in your case. Send her to your siblings place or a vacation for sometime. If that is not possible, you try taking a work from home if possible and go somewhere else to work.

In the meanwhile take this opportunity to recharge yourself. We need to put ourselves first. Unless we wear our oxygen masks, we would be utterly useless to help others including our kids.

Long term, whenever anyone brings up your past, including your mom, stop them then and there and say it is very triggering for you and that you do not wish to hear anything more about your past. You cannot proceed ahead in life when mind replays the past. If family members do just that, in your own interest and in the interest of your physical health , you must stop them. Yes, they helped you at the time of your need. But you cannot be buried under that debt forever. You have to prioritize your physical and mental health even if it means being harsh with words to your mom to stop the trigger.

With all that you have achieved in your life and all the obstacles you overcame, you deserve all the peace and happiness.

Take care.

 

SGBV, I think it’s high time you drew boundaries with your mom. If she can’t choose to respect your boundaries, she can choose to live elsewhere. This constant triggering is toxic. Initially it afected your mental peace of mind and quality of life but now it’s has come to a stage where it’s affecting your life expectancy.

Sure, your mom has helped you in the past, that doesnt mean she gets to run your life in her terms. You have to accept that she's toxic and that you have to do somethign about this. Take a big break from her. Few days or weeks won't cut it. You need probably a year or two.

I also think that alone won't help. You need therapy to heal from inside and move on with your life. This will also help you with strong boundaries.

 

@SGBV You need to accept the fact that it maybe easier for you to forgive your husband but as a mom it may not be possible for her to let go of past . Physically you want both mom and husband to co-exist and this hasn’t worked out for you till now . Either you need to let go of one person in life or learn to ignore your mom’s complaints against your husband. The psychological impact your husband has created in your life is directly related to her current behavior. It is sometimes very important to shield your partners faults from parents otherwise they will judge them irrespective of the change . You need to accept the reality .

I think all 3 of you are hurting each other by staying in close proximity. This advice has been given to you before to see if you can help your mom to live with your siblings. But seems like you both need each other . So only thing that can be changed here is how you react to your mom's comments. See if you can zone out when she talks about your husband. Maybe distract her when you see her entering into that zone. Keep her busy with other things like managing your property so she can focus her energy on something else.

 

This is spot-on advice.

 

@SGBV

You have written a lot about your life here for the past many years in IL but the problem appears to persist in your life. In your mind, there is a conflict, one believes your husband has changed forever and another believes your mom's words based on his past actions. Once a trust is established, you need to give him a chance to be with the family as you might have decided after a long conversations with him and a great wisdom derived after analyzing all that happened in the past. It might be helpful for your children to interact with both parents.

I believe it is not your mom's constant talk about your husband that triggers you but it is your suspicion that her words may become true eventually. You are not 100% convinced about your husband which you need to do right away. If you need another evaluation of him, please do but don't live in the edge based on this suspicion. It is hurting your daily life so much. Once you make a determination to believe him, just stay with that conscious decision and ignore the comments from your mom. Your love for your mom need not interfere with listening to her words of wisdom. That will only create further confusion. Please tell your mom you love her dearly but you are not happy about hearing her opinions about your husband. Do your duties for her but don't give her the freedom to influence your daily life. You definitely need to draw a line in her ability to discuss your family.

Sometimes back I had a meeting with a psychologist and he told me when you run a family, the husband and wife should consider themselves as inner circle, the children in the next circle and other family members in third circle. No one should be allowed to affect the first two circles. Even children in the second circle should never be allowed to influence the inner first circle. I hope this is helpful for you to come out of your need to take medication.

I know you are taking time off from work for stabilizing your children in the country of your choice and that decision should not affect your personal health. Always remember the importance of yourself. The family revolves around you and your health is of great importance. You need someone trust worthy around you to stabilize your family and carrier simultaneously. I wish you the best.

 

You need to be a little smart with your mother going forward. Looks like your mother is a perfectionist and she wants everything, everyone to be perfect. Your husband has / had his limitations.. and mother is not able to accept that. She has done many things beneficial for you and your family. Now please give her a break. Hide facts related to your husband from her. If you are giving money to husband why should she know. Hide it unless it's a very big amount. She need not know the nitty gritties of everything.
She knows how to keep quite when it's related to your siblings life but not with matters related to your family as she has taken you for granted. You need to be tough with her. Whenever she triggers you, immediately or on the same day take her to your siblings house or to any of her siblings house. Let her live there for one day, then bring her back the next day. Or viceversa , you and family go and stay in a relatives house for a day and next day return back. Make her understand that her actions are hurting you. If required extend her or your stay if she has not changed her behaviour.
Or just go on a 1 day trip all 5 of you, so that you would get a break. Repeat this everytime she triggers you.
You could also take her to a psychologist and explain that she doesn't understand how to stay away from your family affairs. These kind of actions will make her analyse her behaviour and make changes if she understands.
Also you could think about what are the things that triggers her to trigger you and just ensure that such things do not happen. Learn to keep something's secretive from her and your siblings.

 

I meant career.

 

I really really wish this would be followed practically @Viswamitra sir. This is the sanest advice I have read online. If third circle and beyond folks follow this, there wouldn't be any issues

 

I know it is easier on paper than real life. The circles are imaginary in real life unless both couple try to implement those circles vigorously. It is the words spoken and actions taken that helps the family to draw boundaries that can't be crossed. Literally, no one outside the circle should know the happenings between the spouses and when one of them leaks it out, it weakens these boundaries. The bedrock principle should be to keep the conversations, interactions, and relationships between the couple. Even if someone is trying to get into that inner circle, the couple should join hands in defending this circle and inform the barrier to entry into the inner circle. Boundaries when crossed, should have consequences. In my view, the relationship between the husband and wife is unique and different than other relationships which should be understood well by both couple.

I am not saying there can't be any differences between the couple. There will be many. When there are differences in opinion, it is a challenge to keep that boundary to prevent others from entering into the inner circle but it is a must. The determination to keep the spouse in that inner circle and not allow anyone to enter that inner circle can't be compromised even when there are arguments. I compare that to railroad that runs for miles together.