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My Life Is Filled With Problems.. Please Help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweetygals, Jul 12, 2020.

  1. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    Sorry for the long post. Apart from this forum i did not have 1 single person to my share my issue.
    So writing it below.

    Im married for 7 years. it was a proper arranged marriage and went to abroad after marriage. We both are working and earning well. He is in a big position in his company. I have 2 kids one is 5 year old and other one is 21 months old. both were csection. My married life was all good apart from mil,sil issues. My sil is divorced stays with her mom,dad. And my husband spends money for them. So he does not even share what his salary,what his earnings. After some fights i left this issue completely. Started saving my money separately. So life was in peace. Still my mil will create some issue. thats all. After that my second kid born my husband came forward saying we will have joint account and lets put our savings in that. I agreed.

    Till now what i knew my husband was very responsible person, handsome ,humorous person but when he gets angry thats all. he loves his parents,sister and also me and my kids. Dont spend his money in unnecessary things apart from his sister,sister son. always he locks his phone. Expect the house to be neat and always expect fresh cooked big meals. I managed this with a full time maid. I always use to think that if i leave my job, I ll b a full time maid and my husband ll get angry for small things and my mil will create lots of issues.

    Now coming to my problems from past 5 months.
    1. My second kid was not responding well. We took him to doctor and they said he has high risk of autism. Spend lots of time with him. Take him to therapies. But without all this we dknw when he will speak. booommmmmmm. My life was hell.
    I took long leave from my job till this year end. As u all can see im always scared to leave my job. Came India to my parents house to take my kid therapies and spend time with him. So i came with my second kid. But because of corono i could not take him outside at all. But put lots of effort on him all 24*7. Now he is becoming better have few words. but still not completely out of autism. Here in my parents house i dont do much work. manage with a maid, some simple meals. where i go kitchen only when my kid is enagaged with someone. Because if i leave him alone he might be back to his own world. My husband, my first kid, my mil in abroad. My maid also left to india for x,y,z reasons.

    2. My mom was diagnosed with Rheumatoid. She is suffering a lot. Also her liver is strained much. Taking medicines not helping much . Losing weight she is not able to eat properly. Doctors told it ll take time to recover. And not able to go out to doctors much because of corono. My mom got death fear and she is already telling me that if im dead u should be able to manage. She is also worried about my son. So i cant share her anything in my life. So i keep telling kid is improving he ll do well. I dont want her to give any stress from my side.

    3. Now coming to my biggest problem in my life. I got a call from my husband saying he spoke to a lady team member casually outside office hours for 3 months. And now this lady has told her husband that my husband is talking vulgarly with her. So that lady husband called my husband and shouted at him saying he is going to escalate this in office and also in my home. And he badly wants to talk to me otherwise he ll complain in police. So my husband told me talk to him and say u ll take action against me and i spoke to her casually only. but his husband wants me in problem. I might lose job. please dont leave me and trust me.
    I cant react much from my home as my mom was near to me. i went to conference with my husband and that guy.. that lady was crying so badly telling please leave this. i could hear her.
    her husband was shouting and asking me do u know the issue. are u in good terms with ur husband. and he said ur husband is very good person and ask him to do only his office work. U dknw what all he has spoke to my wife. and my husband has told him that if he speaks with me my family life will be spoiled. i dont want to spoil ur family. i asked whats the matter. he was really tensed
    some work issue and ur husband has shouted at my wife , so u ask him to do his work properly and kept the phone.
    then later my husband called me and cried said since im not their he is stressed and did the mistake. I have done the mistake i cant face my parents,world, u. i need u. And in this situation u cant travel because my kid cant wear mask so he ll exposed to virus. In between my mil calls and says his beloved son is stressed so much, has fever. What happened. do u know anything. I just said he has office stress. thats all.


    I dont know what i should do. i cant fight with my husband im also already stressed. fighting will make situation worse. my parents ll come to know my mom cant handle this stress. should i say to my mil.
    my husband is already afraid of losing job, me,reputation. i do love my husband and miss him but im not able to console him as i know he has cheated me

    Will he lose his job my husband tole me that he has done some whatsapp video calls thats all

    Should i go back to my husband. afraid of flight travel with my kid for corono. and after going there im afraid that wtr i can manage 2 kids, house work. 1 kid need 24*7 attention. my girl ll not leave me. she ll grab my attention. so im afraid can i give my second kid 24*7 attention. Now maid permits are not getting approved. so not possible to get maid. what should i do. im afraid to leave my husband and kid alone as well. i feel my family is breaking. im completely down and cant cry also as god has given me so many problems.
    Please provide ur suggestions
     
    sandhya2020 likes this.
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  2. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Please be strong.Your issue has many aspects .Ill post later. May God give you all the strength.
     
  3. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    hi all,
    Any inputs to handle my issue will help me.
    should I inform a mil or senior person in my family about him. he literally cries and beg to me for pardon. I dont want to be naive.
    as I completely stuck not able to discuss with anyone.
     
  4. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP ,your hands are full.I feel your pain
    .Please be strong .Talk to your husband and please express your mind.Its too tough to handle when you know your husband has cheated on you.But he has come back and asking for your support to come out of this mess.Ask right questions and figure out a way to handle things together if he realise his mistakes.Do not start a blame game or allow blame game ,because that will drag all the issues without any closure.
    Regarding other person, do not disclose your family dynamics to him. It will be better if your H handles that.I dont know any other solution.
    For your mom,tell that your H is stressed out /feeling lonely so you need to talk to him more.
    Your MIL- dont involve her in any of these things.Thats your Hs job to manage her.
    This too shall pass and you will emerge as a more strong person.I have personally gone through nasty situations in my life and my will power helped me.Please take enough rest,eat well and absorb lots of sunlight.
     
    Angela123, Sweetygals and Rihana like this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Sorry for your situation.
    Correct me if I am wrong. So you are in India with second one, but your husband is with his mom and elder one. Right?

    1) your hands are full. Dont leave your job if you can . But try to hire a live in maid if needed. You also need a break. Spending 24/7 with your kid is so draining. You can manage only with the help of maids, daycare and your husband. He has to help you.

    2) R.A dont have any cure. It can be managed by taking immunosuppressants, antiinflamatory diet and excercise like yoga. No other way. Ayurveda can only provide temporary relief. So comfort your mom. She can manage it if she try. Request her to avoid all negative talks as its giving so much stress you. Listen to her venting, but dont take to heart. Try to talk only positively with her.

    3). When you were away, he has gone to flirt with other women. It's a genuine reason to loose job as its against office policies. That woman encouraged him, it look like. I am happy for you that her husband find it out. She might have just put all blame on your dh to escape.

    But I will blame only your husband. When you were struggling he has gone for entertainment with other woman. It clearly shows his lack of commitment to the relationship and respect towards you & kids. He cheated his family.

    If your mind is not in this marriage you can tell anyone about it.. and go for divorce.

    But if you want to give a chance to your husband, you need to set the ground rules. In this case you can keep it with you. Informing both of your parents can elevate to another level. That's the only help you can do.

    You can tell him, he created this mess, so he has to solve it himself. He is responsible for his own actions. So if he wants to pleade it's his job . Not yours . Be stern with it.

    Second, he is afraid to loose you. Dont fight or argue. Be assertive. Tell him you lost all your trust, which he has to gain back. You are not able to forgive him. He has to prove that he is faithful. But because of kids and the love you have, you are giving him a chance. But he has to come for a counseling when you are there.

    Next, he has to stop all flirting relationship with any other woman, he cannot lock his phone as earlier, instead he has to share the password with you. He has to be transparent in all aspects. If he break his promise any time in future, you will file divorce. So write down all your demands if he wants to continue in this marriage and need your support in hiding it from others. Be firm. But avoid fighting and blaming it can elevate it to another level.

    Think really well , write the ground rules and stuck with it.

    “Those who ate salt should drink water” - let him drink water himself . Only help you can do is to keep the issue from others, but it comes with a price. He has to pay it. So you should decide what you want and assert it.

    The truth is he dont love you, you are just his comfort zone, he is afraid that he will loose his image among friends and family. So he is playing drama to win you back. So do what is right for you. You are the only person who knows your situation well.

    Cheating is the most cruel act one can do to their spouse. It's so shocking. The wound may heal, but scar will be there forever. Feeling sorry for that woman' s husband too. Those who cheated has to take efforts by showing real repentance. The relationship will never be the same after a cheating episode. It take time to heal and also depends on the efforts by both, but mostly by the one who broke the promise.

    If you take him back so soon, he gets a feeling that you will tolerate his nonsense so easily. Accept him back only when he show remorse and respect your conditions. Take a break now and take your own time. Just listen to MIL, don't reply much.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2020
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  6. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    thanks for ur reply. yes my plate is too full. not sure wtr I can come out of these issues or not. my dh is a super smart person who ll fall at feet when it is out of his hands. and act reverse when he has upper hand. this is his nature.
    even yesterday he was scared of losing me that's all. and that lady husband wanted to talk to me at any cost. so it came to my knowledge otherwise I would be so naive.
    he knows that I can manage my 2 kids well without him. thatsy he seeks support from me I feel.

    and whole night I was not able to sleep and my mil keeps msging saying pray god , her son has got fever. he is not sharing any details thatsy I'm asking u blah blah. I don't know what to reply also. I feel like saying tap ur son and ask him.
     
  7. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    thanks a lot for analysing my issue. yes I'm with my second kid in india. he is with first kid and with his mom. this plan was to see how it goes for 3 months. then the corono came.

    I do want this marriage to work. as he is not very bad person. i dont want my kids to lose father.
    and yes he is afraid of losing me and want me to save him from his reputation by not sharing to others. but the pain where I see he has cheated me.
    and my mil her usual drama messages saying it is difficult to see her son in pain makes me more irritated and not sur what to reply her.

    and in this situation how to travel in flight wit my kid. yes I want to go back to see how much effort to be put in bringing back my kid. I dknw this flirting has happened just this 3 months or even before .
     
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @Sweetygals - Autism isn’t a few months thing. It’s more of a marathon. Instead of burning yourself out in the first year of diagnosis, space out your effort because things keep coming up. Don’t worry about managing both kids, your son will benefit from his sibling around. Siblings are natural peers and they learn a lot of language and social nuances from siblings.

    In the years since my son’s diagnosis, I’ve seen many marriages crumble under the pressure of a child’s diagnosis. It’s often because one parent goes all out and the other stays in denial. Sometime after that, there is a disconnect and that chasm only widens with time. I always think the first step after a child’s diagnosis should be Special needs counseling for the parents.

    In your current situation, you have two options. Stay in India for the foreseeable future or go back to your country of residence. I think you should keep your mom out of this equation and think practically. You will be able to figure out what to do. Your older child is also very young and has stayed away from you for many months. You have this situation going in your marriage. You also have a special needs child who requires therapy and evals. Look at it from all these angles and make a decision.

    Regarding your DH’s relationship, you may never know the complete details of it. In your current frame of mind, are you strong enough to find out more? I know first hand the stress that you already were in, now this is adding to your stress. I would say compartmentalize. Don’t be in a hurry to forgive him but don’t punish yourself for this. Its definitely not your fault. It’s probably painful especially when the mil is sending such messages. It’s best to not let this get to you right now.

    I think it’s a good idea to seek some counseling for the two of you.
    If the relationship was consensual then I hope the lady in question won’t go to hr with her issues with your DH and his employment won’t suffer.
    I do think with counseling, you will be able to see through this fog and hopefully find some middle ground. It won’t happen tomorrow but in time, the hurt will probably fade. In the meantime, don’t ignore yourself or your first child and focus only on the little one. You need to brace for the long term. There will be good days and bad but the good ones will overtake the bad ones once you start getting a better handle of your situation. Honestly, I don’t know how being employed can work with a special needs toddler at home but in your situation, that’s the best option. You should think in terms of quality time with him rather than every waking hour of his.

    Hang in there. Don’t stress yourself so much to the point of getting ill. I’ve done that and I can tell you it doesn’t help you or your family. Take things one day at a time.
     
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  9. Anbhu

    Anbhu Silver IL'ite

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    His mother is visiting him to provide care for him and small girl, he has a small girl whose mother is away, to take care off, another kid who may be special needs child is away in another country, wife is worried to hell not knowing how to get help for the younger one, with so many things going on in his close quarters, still he had time and emotion for another affair??!!. your husband as an idiot. Is he not concerned about his younger one?

    I see you had written you want to work on this marriage. Don't forgive him too soon, otherwise he will do it again thinking you will forgive again. Forgive only when you feel he will not repeat again. It is important to make him understand repercussions incase if he does the same in future. If I were you from here on would consider myself as mainly kids parent and him as provider for kids. Do not leave your job. But if it would be beneficial for the kid if you stay home, go for it and do not feel guilty if he had to pay for everything.
     
    Sweetygals likes this.
  10. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    yes and he says that he was too stressed due to his father some issue, my kid issue , office stress. and I was not around with him. these are the reasons for his mistake according to him
     

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