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My InLaws are so irritating?plz help me?how to keep limits for them?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by neesh, Mar 18, 2010.

  1. neesh

    neesh New IL'ite

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    Im 24 yrs old...and married for the last 4yrs...we have a3yr old daughter,and well settled in Dubai.I have many issues in my marriage life,especially with my in laws..they are very much snubbing me treating me like nobody in their family and well shouting to me about my parents and telling rubbish to me so i just can't stand them anymore..
    Now i will tell everything in detail....from the third day after our wedding ...My MIL told me that ur parents should bring some gifts(home Appliances) to their home as a tradition.but they didn't do that,coz my parents thought that it is not fair for them to ask like that..and instead of home Appliances they gave me 10 sovereigns of gold ornaments.
    Then after an year in got pregnant and their is some tradition in our family on the seventh month of pregnancy(the women's family have to come to the Menes family then gve the preggey lady a gift(gold) and sweets which should be 7 items in number as concerned to the month of pregnancy)and u know what she demanded that the gold should be not less than 10 Sovereign.And i told my parents about this and they agreed,and before tow or three days of the function she (MIL) was talking to me in her bedroom in between the talks she told me that "YOUR PARENTS HAVE NOT DONE THE VERY FIRST TRADITION OF GIVING GIFTS AS HOME APPLIANCES SO THIS IS A CHANCE TO GIVE,SO TELL YOUR PARENTS TO BUY A CUPBOARD AND A INVERTER TOO WITH THE GOLD ORNAMENTS"i was really depressed of hearing this she only have to talk about money and gold,i felt sad about this and i told my mother about the talk and she told me tell her (MIL)to call her(my mother)to tell the items she want for her home.and without any shame she called my parents and told my mother that there is a pending tradition so u have to do that,then my mother lose the grip of her tongue and had a big argument with my(MIL)she was so ashamed of that incident and told me that tell you parents that don't bring that home Appliances...i told my hus about this and he told that my mother would not have talk like that,yes i agree with him but she(MIL) is beyond my control..I CAN'T STAND HER ANYMORE..and the day of function came all the demands of my IN LAWS WERE SATISFIED TOO(11 AND HALF SOVEREIGN OF GOLD,SEVEN ITEMS OF SWEETS(SERVES 40),CUPBOARD,INVERTER)and the function went all fine and that eve in went to my parents place..(my home)
    After two months...9 months they(my in laws)wants to come to see me according to their tradition they have to bring sweets and all when they visit me and it should be in 9 items too they bought only 5 or 4 which is not enough to share within the family...(its a custom)as of the seventh month.My parents kept quiet on this matter after they have left we went to a bakery and bought items 9 in number and share it to all family members...as if they(in laws)bought for me....
    After 2 weeks i got deliverd with a beautiful baby girl(MASHA ALLAH).things went all fine.My hus came to see we both..he was happy and he went back to Dubai after a week.Then came the next issue is forming (I TOLD MY HUSBAND THT YOUR PARENTS SHOULD DO WELL ON THE DAY OF FUNTION AS IF THEY SHOULD GIFT THE BABY WELL WITH GOLD,DRESS DRESS FOR ME AND MY FAMILY) we have a costom(40th day bath)in that day everybody will be invited and they will give gift for the baby GOLD WHICH THEY GIFTED WERE FROM MY HUSBAND later i came to know about that..(like dress,gold,toys,dress for me)on that day she came so late and gift the baby gold,and dress(which were of poor quality)and dress for me and my mother only nobody else.i losse my temper and shouted to my hus that they haven't done anythng for me as a costom but your parents want everything to be in the same coustom, and we all had a big argument for that matter
    And now also my in laws are talking rubbish on my parents..saying that they havent gave me anythng more etc..they even don't attened any function invited by my relatives but my parents should attened all the funtion of theirs.I JUST HATE THEM(in laws)
    Last time when we were on vacction at our home town...i visited my in laws too and wished to stay with them for a month but after a week she started snubbing me..and after a while of peacefull talks she strted GETTING INTO MY NERVES:rant and i too stared shouting at her face,She was telling about my DOWRY,money mis behaviour and i too talked to her in the same tone.I CANT STAND HER ANYMORE...she was telling me tht u just get out from my home.
    NOW I WANT TO KNOW FROM YOU ALL ......ONLY ONE THING........she is comng to spend her vaccation with us here in Dubai..SHE WILL REPEAT THE SAME AS SHE DID BEFORE....SO WHAT ALL BOUNDARIES SHOULD I KEEP IN FRONT IN ORDER TO MOVE AWAY FROM HER...I UNDERSTOOD THT I CAN'T BE CLOSE TO HER ANYMORE I HATE HER A LOT.....PLZ HELP:bonk....now i have found my own style tht i talk to her too less over the phn in our weekend calls wth not much happiness..and shee too got my new style...and last week she told me "i love have ur sweet brown chocolate icecream with dryfruits..whn she come down here she can have it and all"i didnt reply anythng and soon she asked me tht am i not interested her to invite her home:rant:crazy...her manner is like tht she should be:bowdown:bowdownall the time....im out of here.......plz help womens out there.....:cheers
     
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Neesh.. it seemed as if I was reading about my MIL, her expectations & my DHs say for his mom, with a difference that I really dont try to remember what they sould have done for me as per custom... even when they say a lot of nonsense.

    Also I know that if I argue with her I'll hear more of her rotten vocablury and disghusting comparisons... if you bark with dogs you become a dog or maybe a bulldog but if you simply pass by quietly only the one thats barking remains a dog.

    Whether you like it or no.. she will remain a mother to her son & most irritating character to you.. I really wonder if you can shut your house doors on her face.. but yes you can shut up your own system against her barkings.
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Tell her that from now on there will be NO more rituals followed if it involves you or your parents, and that your parents will not be giving any more stuff for functions and she (your mil) is not expected to give anything for functions either. Basically, all expectations are off, no more customs. Live simple. If she brings up what ritual you all must do next tell her "I'm NOT really interested. I don't want to do these customs anymore." And then make yourself busy with something else. Let her get mad. So what. She can't force you or your parents to participate in her demands... her demands have only worked up till this point because YOU have given in. So put a stop to it all and just have small get togethers that don't involve tons of gifts and pomp.
     
  4. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    What is your husband doing all this time other than saying "My mom does not talk like this or does not do like this". Momma's Boy!!!
    Who else is causing all this friction?? It is his MOM!! But Neesh, you see it is useless to complain to your dh always because he is a momma's boy. Just learn the art of ignoring some people and in this case it is your MIL.

    Listen, all I hear from your post is customs, customs, customs, gold, gold and more gold!!!
    Forget it!! Your peace of mind is more valuable than anything in the world.
    Why did you go about telling your husband that they should have gifted you better? When they gift you something, if you like it, use it, otherwise just donate it or throw it. Don't tell this even to your hubby. Really, he need not know all this because then that will cause another fight as to why did you give away what my mom gifted.....you cannot expect anything better from this momma's boy.


    There is more to life than gold, jewels and customs. You go and make new friends and get your own life. When your MIL comes over to your place, give her respect but don't take her words overly serious. IGNORE HER WORDS!! I don't see any other solution than suggesting you to IGNORE. If she tells you to call up your parents and demands anything next time, simply tell 'SORRY'. If she shouts or yells at you, do not shout back, you will be wasting your energy on useless things. Tell her politely, I don't like to follow these customs that involve too much of gifts and money. I want to have something simple. If she still yells, saying you do not know anything and she is the authority then you know what to do....right?

    BE CALM , SMILE, AND IGNORE!!!

    If it gets too much then tell your husband, you need a break from this stupid woman, so why not both of you go for a short vacation, just the two of you along with your child.......:idea


    Good luck and remember you cannot change some people who are born fools!!

    Sridivya
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2010
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    NEESH

    Most of the inlaws are like that..greedy pigs..they can mint as much money and other stuff in the name of customs and tradition and rituals, but when it comes to they returning back or following the customs, they would outright ignore or find a good way out of it or say we dont have that kind of tradition or custom.

    Culprit is not your MIL here. its your husband. If he had told his mom to stop this begging business, am sure his mom would have got her limits set there. I have never understood the attitude of men ...they claim to be MEN but let their parents beg and demand money and gold from the girls parents...what is the use of being such a MAN who cant earn and satisfy his own parents but his wife has to get money and gold to satisfy her husbands parents..so who is the MAN here...the husband or the wife??

    Anyways this trend will surely continue further as long as men think that its wrong to speak back to their parents.

    Coming to your situation...I have seen my own best friend going through exact similar situation to an extent where when her kid was born the inlaws didnt even get 1 gram of gold or any kids clothes. my friend and her husband were hoping inlaws would get all the stuff they requested for and it turns out her inlaws told that they didnt get time to do shopping (however MIL bought some new salwar suits to wear in US ..no idea how she found time to shop around when she didnt get time to shop for a new born)

    During my friends inlaws visit she didnt raise her voice. Kept quiet. hwoever she was very firm when it came to taking care of her kid, food timings and sleep timings etc. Most of the time she spent in kitchen, cooking, cleaning or reading some books etc. Didnt give a chance to her inlaws by sitting infront of them when the husband is not around...as if she had sat infront of them..they sure would pick on her or find someor the other topic to rake her up. When her husband is around she would take the kid and go to their room and do her stuff and let the inlaws and husband spend time together...if no work..switch on TV watch movie or something else. This is what she had done. to top it..she did ask her inlaws what they liked and cooked that stuff for them.

    She said she did all that because of her brought up. She was taught to respect the guest and serve the guest. but at the same time too much of interaction would give them a chance to poke so she had very minimal interactions with her inlaws. Also this had helped her very much down the line as she showed to her husband in actions that she can take care of inlaws inspite of the way his parents treated her. This did mellow down her husband alot.

    So If you are able to control your emotions, anger and words , be strong n firm do what you can. limit your interactions with her during her visit. keep it to the point and exit. spend most of the time taking care of your kid and avoid any confrontation with her its not good. If MIL shouts at a DIL and tells her to get out of the house its not a big deal to the son...ie your husband. but if the same MIL cries and creates a scene during her trip to your house..am sure your husband would go ballistic and angry over you and things might rake up and go worst. your MIL is very much capable of creating any drama to get her sons attention.

    So be ware. Control yourself and your actions. Its not worth to fight with such people headon as finally we will end up loosing the battle (that too when we know the husband doesnt beleive his mom is such a disgusting lady).Deal with tact and patience.
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Wow Srividya.. I had to bear the same as your friend with a slight difference.. my MIL did give 4 of us 5gm gold coin each (18K local merchant)... no clothes... SIL did send a lot of stuff & MIL gave SIL, her husb and child old time gold ginni (coin) of 30gms each and while giving this she told me to go inside my room to feed the child whom she wont leave with me otherwise... I came to know of it only when SILs child dropped it and it rolled into my room :rotfl.

    They refused to take anything that my parents gave on their face, probably wanted them to plead.. but then I took all that item and told my parents to move on... whatever cash was there I sent it back to their account & remaining items I kept with myself.
    Then my SIL was giving me 2K to buy some clothes as per HER tradition to which I refused & my inlaws were startled .. probab they remembered what they did to my parents... I told SIL lets go to a shop.. u pick your choice, I'll pick mine .. we did that and swiped our cards for equal amount..
    Its better not to expect goodies from people who're not worth it... or argue to their nonsense.
     
  7. rins123

    rins123 Senior IL'ite

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    Well....I can tell you these demanding inlaws can be nasty so it is imp to nip it in the bud....My MIL never demanded anything but she had a golden statement "If your father doesn't send sweets and stuff...what will people say about him..." Luckily, my DH was against this.....and we were united on no gifts policy especially since we are in US what is the point in sending all this ......but she did not budge...she told my father 'Your daughter is very smart ...she is telling me you will not send " to which my father responded "You can buy on my behalf whatever you want to distribute to your extended family and I will send cash via your son when he is back"....now ofcourse since she knows her son doesnt like this....she has kept mum.......but I have one policy of countering her whenever she brings this up "I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ALL THIS"....don't take don't give...if she feels bad ...its her problem....do not break your head over it...and remember...these customs have to stop.....else our children will also suffer
     
  8. anaconda1997

    anaconda1997 Senior IL'ite

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    it seems like you have married your in laws. in the first place, i would not have married one who asked dowri. second, i would slap ones who asked anything after marriage. you hubby is useful for nothing. dont you talk anything to him about this? tell him that you are being tortured! abused!! why not. thats what is happening. i blame your family also. why do they agree to give ANYTHING?? even a piece of ****? once married and given , then they do not have anything to give. let them come and take you from there. and go back after your husband comes back. or ask hubby to take you with him there. now not just you are suffering, but your baby girl will also suffer here after. their demands are not ending. too bad ma. how can you be happy? see good that you are atleast sharing here n seeking advice. there are soo many who are in dark , :hide: suffering. and they dont even know they are being abused. you have to have some :idea s and really take some serious decisions in your life.. do not be quiet all the time and shout all at once. ALWASY keep a horror look in your face. do whatever you want to.. go to your hometown, do some of your hobbies, take your baby to zoos,parks,wherever..you both go alone. enjoy your life the way you want. no one can harm you.
     

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