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My Husband wont stay with my parents when he visits.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anjanidevi, Mar 26, 2009.

  1. anjanidevi

    anjanidevi New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone,

    I am a newbie to this group (and to forums in general) and found many of your thoughts, experiences and advice to be very helpful and warming.

    So here is my story, I met my husband and soon after got married (4 months) it was a love marriage and not arranged in the least. He also had to move away soon after to complete his education. He also knew that I was helping my parents out financially and could not move away with him to career and financial reasons. We have had a long distance relationship for a couple of years now and we will soon start living together.

    Now he is under the impression (with due reason) that my parents are taking advantage of me financially eventhough they are young enough to work or smart enough to scale down their lives and not live lavishly due to my earnings.

    My parents have been kind and nice to him and his family and invited him to come and stay at their place wheneve he comes to visit them.

    He does not want to do so as he says its against protocol, and I think it might be because he is upset with them due to their value system.
    My parents refuse to come and stay with me and my husband and they think my husband is giving them a subtle message.

    i feel like I am stuck between a rock and a corner. Dont know what to do and how to keep everyone happy.

    My question and would love some advice - have any of your experience this? is this a cultural/indian men thing to do?

    Please help

  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Anju,

    First let me say WELCOME to Indusladies! Now to my advice...

    I would suggest not to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Meaning, don't make this a bigger issue than it is.

    It's understood that you love your parents and want your husband to visit them and them visit you, and all visit together... but now it's time to grow up and realize that this is life and not everyone wants to spend time with your parents, just like you might not want to spend time with certain people.

    Maybe it's cultural pressure and he feels it's a faux pas to spend time at "the bride's home." Or maybe he is resenting your parents for the money issues. Either way, he has a right to his own opinion!

    You are married now. Your first priority should be building a life with your husband, not worrying about family politics. You have had a long distance relationship up until now. Don't start off your marriage on the wrong foot by pressurizing him to interact with your parents! If your parents refuse to come stay with you, let it be. Do NOT let this issue become a game of "my people your people".

    Instead, let the relationship between your parents and your husband form naturally. Let each person come around in their own time. Meanwhile, try to relax and enjoy your new found time with hubby.

    Hope these suggestions are helpful to you. :thumbsup
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2009
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  3. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    First of all, you admit that your husband has due cause to believe that your parents are taking advantage of you. THAT is a killer here. I would be upset too, if I felt that my in-laws were taking advantage of my husband and living the high life at his expense. I'm sure it's the same for you. So, you may wish to initiate a frank discussion with your husband and come to an agreement about exactly how much financial support you will extend to your parents, now that you are married and have your own family.

    Your parents need food on the table, clothes on their back and a roof over their heads. You should support them to meet these basic requirements. Anything over and above this is excessive. If anyone - your parents or his parents - wants to lead the high life, then they should finance such lifestyle themselves.

    No. Many of us - whether we're men or women, Indian or non-Indian - would have a hard time accepting or liking our in-laws if we feel that they are taking advantage of our spouses. So, it is important for you to clear the air with your husband FIRST about this issue, before urging him to have a relationship with your parents. If he is resentful of the "excessive" support that they receive from you, he is unlikely to want a close relationship with them, no matter how much you try. So, work on this first before attempting to forge a healthy relationship between your husband and your parents.

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