My husband says he regrets marrying me ..what to do ?

pinoo · Jun 23, 2012

I am married for 11 months now. not even completed one year.
My marriage was arranged marriage as i came from such country where parents decide whom shud we marry.
I am currently unemployed, living in USA since last 8 months.
Before marriage i was working in well reputed company having good job.but aftr marraige since my husband relocated here i left my job and come here.
Now i dont have work visa .. and my husband says everyday that i shoud try to do work and so since i came i am trying to change my visa but no luck . now to avoid future gap i am studying for the entrance to take admission in college for further studies...still in that he says i am not commited enough.. and lazy and not smart and i am a failure..and
he says often that i am his biggest disappointment in life.
and yesterday he told me clearly that he regret marrying me and he did a mistake.
till date wenever we had a fight ..i am the one who takes initiative and try to end it.He never cares wht i think ,what i feel or naver bothers to ask...
he sais as i am not having job he cant respect me and he wont care about me until i get one ..
i cant go back to my country as i dont want to hurt my parents because of me.
i feel that my husband is the reason i left my carrer and came here ..when i say this to him he says that was not big deal for him or i shouldnt make big deal of it.
i feel even if i get job in future then why should i want to stay with him when he s troubling me in my bad days.
I felt so helpless and i am totally unhappy .and in depression.
i cant live with him neither i can go back to my country neithr i have any good friends here.
i dont know what to do.

Priya16 · Jun 23, 2012

You said you are having fights???What about those fights.May be he is unhappy because of those fights more than your job??????

pinoo · Jun 23, 2012

he has habit of playing vaideo games for hours ands hours..All the fights till date was because i expect from him to spend time with me instead of playing video games all the time.and no matter what i am telling him everytime he says... u are not earning and u dont have good job ..u are a disappointment.i try to tell him that i am working on it still he says i dont think u are commited to what u say and if u want my attention or care then u first get a job and then talk.

ManuSethi · Jun 23, 2012

Hi,

I understand your emotions and trust me this is the basic nature of a man, after his day long work what he wants is either a match, a tv or video games etc and unlike us, they are very different in expressing their views etc.

What I feel is that, it is best for you to keep quiet and concentrate on your life now....see I dont know what future holds for both of you but if i were you, the best thing I would have done was to ignore him and concentrate on myself...lets see how long he is ok with it and if by chance , he seems to be ok with your behaviour...i sorry to write that, I dont think he loves you truly.....may be its just that initial phase and slowly and steadily when you guys stay together, and know each other , you may start feeling more deeper for each others feelings but as you said it was an arranged marriage, I think it will take time for both of you to start feeling for each other....

It can happen in love marriages too...being a boyfrd-grlfrd is far more different than being a husband-wife......adjustments issue do come initially in every relationship....

Best is, let him take his time and you concentrate on your education/job and wait for the right time when I am sure he will come to you and express his love...

Take care!

mommybird · Jun 23, 2012

What a Jerk! Tell him that you dont mind going to India and working and inform his parents and yours he has been torturing you about job and move out of his home and go and work in India in peace. God!! What's up with these idiots? Why do they even marry when they don't know to respect a women? I really feel like issuing shooting orders for these useless wimps who call themselves husbands.

trialman45 · Jun 23, 2012

you sacrificed something for him befre yu left india. it is big.
he should appreciate it.
if i were you, i wouldn't tolerate such actions from your husband.
you have money to get yourself a plane ticket or are you entirely dependent on him?

this is just my opinion. think carefully for yourself and wait and see whhat other people think of your situation.:coffee

Saisakthi · Jun 23, 2012

Dear Sister,

Most men build dream castles and would have a big dream about his wife earning and planned a life according to that, your sacrifices are negligible for him, because he had no use of them, what to do sometimes more than love and affection money and assets count.

Though it is not your mistake for not having aworking visa or getting a job, but sometimes men will have a deaf ear to it, Now tell that you are ready to work and since you are new to the place let him get you a lead for getting a job, probably such talks would interest him.

I do understand your feeling that when he irritated becuase you dont earn, once you start earning (Hope by Baba's grace let it happen soon) will that hurt just vanish away in the heart of hearts.

Dont try to get back to India, make him also involve in getting a job and then be firm in your decisons, Cheer up dear sister, Best wishes...

peacetips · Jun 23, 2012

Hi Pinoo,
Neither you nor your H jumped into this without knowing the consequences. You knew you wanted to get married, and when you chose your H, it was perhaps obvious? that you will be leaving your job in India. So don't call it a sacrifice or that you did for him. If your job in India was so important, you would have found a guy in India. Your H also must be knowing that people don't get work visas overnight!

Both of you have to resolve your differences. He doesn't like you interfering with his video game addiction or there could be some other problem. It is understandable, you would like him to spend his time with you, but unfortunately he is addicted to the game than you. Focus on your career, or join a course. Attempt to find a job, don't give up so soon. Make new friends or do something interesting and enjoyable that may or may not involve you DH. This will keep you happy and perhaps he will start noticing you more because you won't be nagging him anymore.
If you find a job, he will likely find some other 'defect' in you to continue playing. So try to do things that make you happy and relaxed. Spread positivity in your surrounding.

subhejamal · Jun 23, 2012

hi,i feel soory for you.what kind of a person he is,how can he be so indifferent,you are his life partner not a room mate,you left what you had for him and now look how childish he is.If there was any other lady,i m sure he wil lbe helping her in all this just to be in her good books.Tell him to help you and not to take evry thing to this point.What kind of a person he is,that his love is all depending on your job.Then love is for job not for you.DO not hide all this from his and your parents for a long time.If he doesnot show any sign of improvment and sense tell all to them.SO CALLED mature and independent people.

riyagan · Jun 23, 2012

i hate men when they act like teenagers...my hubby one among those men! men should be taught responsibility and family values before they enter marriage. literally a "eligible man written test" would help...if they fail no marriage for them. how that sounds?...so that mommies will be careful bringing up their boys fearing that they may be rejected and become losers in future.

sorry pinoo, am deviating from addressing ur problem for that i dont know any solution.