My husband puts his family first.

Niharika2010 · Aug 22, 2012

We live in us married for almost 9 years. Both of us work and make decent money, we have a 2 yr old daughter. Our marriage was wonderful for 7 yrs, ofcourse with a few disturbances due to SILs expecting money from my husband. I have 4 SILs, 3 older and 1 younger to my Hub. They all are brought up in village, decently educated married with 2 kids each. My Hub is the only Son. He was treated very well by parents and Sisters. They are all middle class, decent well to do. My Hub is the only one settled in US. Initially they were all very nice to me, I come from a pretty well to do family, my Dad a doctor and I have 1 brother.
Coming to my problems, after we had our baby girl, my husband wanted to get a land proposed by his dad and BIL. It was just 15 days after having the girl. I said 'no' because I was worried to have to send my baby to daycare and get back to work to make payments. FIL and Hub started hating me for taking the control and saying no. Actually it was not a good property either, it was just out of BILs personal interest my Hub was forced into it. So my Hub always acted like he hates me for that. PIL visited when my baby was 6 months, I could not balance my work and chores at home, got fever everyday and cried out of pain, Hub thought I did not like his parents and acted that way. My FIL constantly poisoned my Hub against me. Always advised in front of him pointing out something negative about me. He totally ruined our relationship. My oldest SIL always expects money and FIL makes sure she gets it. My youngest give Hub gossip on everybody and keeps him on her side and controls him to get money and perks. My FIL ruined everything on my 1 st visit to India with baby because I stayed only for 2 days at their place ( rains, no curent, daughter got sick, only 5 days into India). My parents live in a city and PILs are from a village.

My husband yelled at me, told me not to come back to him, but like a dead person I went back after 3 months, several other such problems duri g my stay in India. Not a single person from his family came to my baby's 1st bday because FIL was upset with me. It was done by my patents in the city they live. Hub also was in US due to green card issues. My Hub still tries to point out that I was wrong and not his family. FIL extremely controlling, my Hub treats his Dad like a God. I am tired of fighting to make my presence important.

We had a very loving marriage until FIL thought he was loosing control and started charging my Hub against me. I hate him for ruining my love life with my Hub. My SILs oldest and youngest are really sneaky, they try to take control, they fight within themselves. My 2nd SIL is like my good friend, I share but not everything since its her family. My MIL is nice, poor thing controlled and treated very badly and abused physicalky also by FIL. He thinks even his Son should treat me like that....I hate his nature....he kind of emotional blackmails my Hub to be responsible for his sisters and their kids well being. My Hub puts his family first in everything. He is actually very nice, very devoted to his daughter and helpful at home. Never stops
Me or controls me in anything but always talks resentfully that he did not get what he expected. I try to be perfect with home, cooking , cleaning and also excel on my job. But my love for my husband is lost, he always reminds me of his Dad. Since he cuts me out for his Dad I hate to expect his love and live him back. I hate that he puts his Dad as his only priority in life. I worry that in an attempt to constantly impress his Dad he will take away what should be given to my daughter. I never discuss his finances I keep my paycheck seperate and take care for my child. I am the last person to know anything about finances on his side. He treats me aloof with his prprty and financial information.I never ask him too, it is his parents and family. But since i am left out i dont feel any connection with him or his family. Sometimes I feel why should we even stay together. Only to provide my daughter with a loving family. I get frustrated and here I am. What can I do to get our love life back and delete the controlling FIL from the scene, who ruined it all for me?

freddycat · Aug 22, 2012

OP,

I never discuss his finances. I keep my paycheck seperate and take care for my child. I
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That is the only best thing you can do under the circumstances. Join the club of NRI wives in US.

Sorry, I don't have any solution to suggest. These 'makkaans' (village boys) will not change rest of their life
and held by the strong claws of the money hungry people, so called his family. Down the road, DH will come to his senses when he is about to retire. By then, wife will have nothing but the resentment towards him and the sufferings, she had to go through, all her life.

If you have energy and parents support, walk away with your kid. Otherwise, simply wait for his 'return' home, say next 25 years when he is totally sucked out to the core.

I am with one of the 'makkaan' in my life. My accomplishments, an adult kid, peak at my career, nice retirement fund (my own savings), insomnia, handful of daily medication and a hero with 'zero' in his account who is closer to his retirement! :rotfl

silvertulip · Aug 22, 2012

As Freddycat said don't expect him to change, I will say the same as it's been 9 years so there is very less scope that he will change. Better take care of ur finances and ur kid and live ur own life, if u can't walk away from him. Keep your lives/finances separate and enjoy ur life with ur kid!

Niharika2010 · Aug 22, 2012

Hi all, thank you for the quick reply, you are right. I am already underway to make it big for my child. I should say I do pretty well with my career, so I will take the inspiration and will do e en better. But the only thing that sucks out my happiness is the feeling that I have lost my love life with my husband. I cannot tell you guys how much I loved him. I actually started working because I wanted to be a part of his hardworking and raise our family together, but now he thinks I am independent don't need to be supported, so he can do anything with his paycheck. We both make same paychecks, ofcourse credit goes to him for pushing me out to get masters degree and supported me to get a job and be independent. I used to think Gid gave me such a wonderful husband, untill all colors leeched out during his parents 1st visit to US. They used to make him sleep in their bed room , door closed gossiping. When they think they can segregate me like that, how can I be one of them?; the worst thing my FIL said to me in front of my Hub, "do you worry that I am giving away all my money to my daughters?, u don't have to worry, u don't need to ask about money matters"; while I asked about my earned money, that was sent to buy land in India, but that did not happen. FIL kept it in his bank, so I asked for it to invest on another property in the city.
My Hub now, doesn't have a good relationship with my Dad too because at one time he yelled, keep ur daughter with you. I said I was ready to go and that was when my Hub came down at my feet asking not to leave. I do a corporate job, travel everywhere but my Hub never joined me for fun. For him he always has responsibilities, sisters, Dad and neices and nephews. I don't think I can fall back in that love with him, but my daughter loves daddy to the core, she is very loving with me too, she is very smart I just want to give her the best. I will stay in here, I have good properties back home from my parents and my Hub will also inherit well. I have everything but my Hub,s love for me. I don't see it in his eyes and it kills me inside. Some friends say that a little later after his parents he will realize and will come back, but for now he will be a Makkan, I love that word. I am
From south India. Sorry for pouring out but it is a big relief to have someone understand me

freddycat · Aug 22, 2012

I know the feeling, it is like 'he is having a double life'. Physically DH is here, but his loyalty is somewhere else.

Instead of adding unnecessary pressure/stress on yourself, take is easy and enjoy more family time with him.

Niharika2010 · Aug 22, 2012

Thank you, u made my day....it means a lot to have someone talk to me like this. Will stay in touch

Priya16 · Aug 22, 2012

Niharika,

I would suggest don't hold on to past.Now you know who are devils.Is your husband still holding to the past???

If so then have a a talk clear out it.

The main culprit is money.Even you attached to him nor moving away from him doesn't help the financial situation at your home.

Save your money,only spend your husband money on household items.Anyway you have properties and you get it.So don't worry about your husband money.let them ponder about it.

If you take out money from equation then why you have to stop loving your husband.If he is ok now,then don't keep things in mind with his father.

Now you don't have unknown devils.Eveyrhing is clear.He has been nice to you for last 7 years.Sometimes people get destracted.It's your duty to bring him back to normail.he will for sure and for your daugther.

So build a loving and happy family.You have that chance and appotunity.

No one can replace father and mother and there roles and there priorties.We should not go who is more priority.I don't mind if my husband says his parents are his priority.Same with me too.No one can replace my parents.Parents are parents.Ofcourse playing with money is every where is an issues these days.So don't mix up things.

ToTheLight · Aug 22, 2012

My God… When I was reading through your post it was like someone one narrating my own story.
My own FIL is very controlling person. For him he is center of all the attention. He wants every one to praise him, ask him and give him. All his family ie MIL, 3 SIL and BIL and DH dance around in circle. He is the puppet master of this whole family circus.
When I was married my DH praised his father and mother and sisters so much that I though I was part of a perfect family. I tried everything , even gave up my career to please their gigantic egos.. But they where never satisfied always finding faults and creating issues. My FIL wants to control the finance of the family. And to me it is not issue. I am fine to let him have money if he gives me peace of mind. But then he wish to control my life too. He kind of brainwashed my Dh in the first year of our marriage. My husband stated parroting the things which where taught to him like “ Biwi to khana bananeke liye hoti hai “, “Biwiya ghar todti hai…” ect… So my Dh mind was totally corrupted against me. And we started fighting. Initially I did not understand the source of his aggression as my FIL was all so sweet and diplomatic towards me. But later I understood that he is using all his children to do his dirty work. Like he complains to his daughters about small things and then the my SIL complains to my dh saying “ Dad is not happy … you are making him sad… your wife is not a good wife… she is not in your command… “ and to add more drama to the situation they threaten us to commit suicide….
My DH blindly followed my FIL and was the happy volunteer in the so called holy war against me…
It was heart wrenching to see my whole life and dreams destroying in front of my life just because the control issues of one man … It is heart breaking when you see your DH turning into some one you do not like. It is like watching a train wreak.. you want to stop it but cant do nothing about it… “There is no cure for brainwashed.. It is permanent”. I have to expect it and move on.
So now I am trying get control of my situation, tying to live with least expectation. To begin with I do not have any expectations from ILs. In a given day if they talk without taunting, for me it is “exceeding Expectations”. After 10 years of this clowns infested drama I learned to keep minimal contacts and share no information. I keep my DH on need to know basis. I am trying to build my career back. Got myself a decent job( After 10 years of sitting home that is an achievement). Trying to concentrate on my son’s education (He is sharp child… and I don’t want to sacrifice my kid for this never ending jealousy feast) . Now I do not know how much my DH is going to support for my kids education… I hope he will at least will care for our son… but I have stopped expecting that too. I will do my best to educated my son. And hope him to be a better person than his father.

freddycat · Aug 23, 2012

I do not know how much my DH is going to support for my kids education… I hope he will at least will care for our son…
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Be prepared/start saving money for your son's education.

silvertulip · Aug 23, 2012

Niharika2010 said: ↑

Hi all, thank you for the quick reply, you are right. I am already underway to make it big for my child. I should say I do pretty well with my career, so I will take the inspiration and will do e en better. But the only thing that sucks out my happiness is the feeling that I have lost my love life with my husband. I cannot tell you guys how much I loved him. I actually started working because I wanted to be a part of his hardworking and raise our family together, but now he thinks I am independent don't need to be supported, so he can do anything with his paycheck. We both make same paychecks, ofcourse credit goes to him for pushing me out to get masters degree and supported me to get a job and be independent. I used to think Gid gave me such a wonderful husband, untill all colors leeched out during his parents 1st visit to US. They used to make him sleep in their bed room , door closed gossiping. When they think they can segregate me like that, how can I be one of them?; the worst thing my FIL said to me in front of my Hub, "do you worry that I am giving away all my money to my daughters?, u don't have to worry, u don't need to ask about money matters"; while I asked about my earned money, that was sent to buy land in India, but that did not happen. FIL kept it in his bank, so I asked for it to invest on another property in the city.
My Hub now, doesn't have a good relationship with my Dad too because at one time he yelled, keep ur daughter with you. I said I was ready to go and that was when my Hub came down at my feet asking not to leave. I do a corporate job, travel everywhere but my Hub never joined me for fun. For him he always has responsibilities, sisters, Dad and neices and nephews. I don't think I can fall back in that love with him, but my daughter loves daddy to the core, she is very loving with me too, she is very smart I just want to give her the best. I will stay in here, I have good properties back home from my parents and my Hub will also inherit well. I have everything but my Hub,s love for me. I don't see it in his eyes and it kills me inside. Some friends say that a little later after his parents he will realize and will come back, but for now he will be a Makkan, I love that word. I am
From south India. Sorry for pouring out but it is a big relief to have someone understand me
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Dear if ur DH has changed and he is not willing to to change his attitude then it's better that u change ur attitude. Look beyond him and see what life has to offer u in terms of ur kid, ur parents, friends and the very u. U are strong and u need to take care of urself and ur kid. Don't see urself as victim but someone who has a life and identity beyond her DH!