My Husband likes his collegue more than me.

My God, I really pity you.Why can't you call your in laws and tell them everything and confront him with their help.If they are not supportive to you, take the help of your parents and ask your parents to go to that lady's house and confront her in front of her husband.Even then if they don't listen to you, just ask your parents to go and file a complaint against that lady and her husband in the police station.Do everything unexpectedly.

And if your husband fights with you regarding this say him that you don't know and never expected that your parents would do this.May be there are chances for that lady to part her ways with your husband for the fear of publicity.

 

I second Hema.
I know how much it hurts but stop crying or begging infront your husband.
Show him you cannot be taken for granted and if he does you will do anything to fight for your rights.
You did't mention anything about kids. I hope you have no kids yet and pls don't try for any now immediately after your husband turns his head again to you. You will never know whether he changed for good.

Try to get a job if you are not working.

 

I know you must be hurting a lot. I know you must be wondering where you went wrong. None of this is your fault. Do not accept his excuse for drinking. You would not have had that fight if he did not make those long distance calls. I would suggest you calmly talk to him about the situation. Tell him very calmly if this does not stop you want a divorce. No women should put up with this kind of behavior. I hope you are working. If you are not I suggest you find a job. Find courage in yourself. Above all best of luck. May be tell your parents and get their support for the situation.

 

It's really amazing how men are quick to blame their bad habits on their wives! I really feel your pain Rekha as mine is a love marriage (married for about 3 yrs after 7 yrs of 'courtship')...I'd go bonkers if my DH acts this way after all the battles we had to go through to even get married!

First things first - this is not a normal friendship. One of my best friends is a guy I've known from school...we talk about three times a year but we can pick up where we left off, as though we've been talking to each other every day. My DH knows him and is now friends with him too...but we certainly aren't "i'd die without you...can't live without you" friends and I don't think married people can maintain that kind of 'friendships' without causing a rift in their marriage. It's even more bizarre that your DH is ready to divorce you for the sake of this 'friend'. It's very clear that this is emotional infidelity and it must be stopped pronto.

Secondly, you are not to be blamed. So, don't beat yourself up for your husband's infidelity. If there are things you are guilty of (like temper, poor communication, lack of understanding, etc), make an effort to forgive yourself and be a better wife for your hubby. But, this is NOT a solution for your hubby's infidelity...it's just a way to have a better marriage.

My suggestion is, confront your husband with whatever evidence you have (messages, emails, phone conversations, etc). Give him a chance to explain himself. If it is not satisfactory to you, tell him so. Make it very clear to him that what he's doing is wrong and is breaking up your marriage. If he doesn't end it right there, tell him you have no other option but to involve a third party in the situation because you want the marriage to be restored (third party can be your ILs or the woman's husband - but before you approach any of them make sure you have CONCRETE evidence)...be bold and confident. Don't take this lying down.

I hope you will not have to resort to such third party intervention, but can sort it out between yourselves. Take care and have faith.

Carol

 

Hi rekhaatu,

First of all, I want to give you a big hug to show my support and sympathy for your situation.
This is every wife (and husband's) nightmare.

When I read your post, at first I thought perhaps he was just getting too close to a colleague and you didn't approve of it.

Then I read that he said 'I love you' to a colleague. And then he had the guts to threaten a divorce?? Basically what he is saying to you is - "Let me do what I want - affair, love affair, relationship - or I will divorce you"

My question to you is simple.

Will you accept it if your husband wants to have an affair and will only stay married to you if you allow him to stray with other women in your marriage?

I ask you this because I know some Indian women who are afraid of loneliness and prefer to live in denial and unhappiness within a marriage (which defeats the purpose of a marriage in my opinion) rather than have their husband leave them. So they pretend to not 'notice' their husband's affair or they just keep trying to end one affair after the other after the other.
It is a sad and pitiful existence for such a woman.

If you answer NO, that you can't accept this, then my post is for you.
If you answer YES, that you are ready to accept his affairs now and in future to stay married to him, then I'm afraid you should skip my post.

Then you have to be prepared for two things. It might or might not happen, but you have to prepare for it, because if you threaten your husband with divorce (as an example) - he might just call your bluff by not believing you and continuing an affair.
You should be ready to separate from him to show you are serious - and divorce him as a last resort.


First of all, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

In a marriage ALL OF US face temptation outside of marriage - whether its a work colleague, family friend, friend, etc, we all get tempted one time or another to either think bad thoughts or to fantasize.
But the point is - we DON'T because we are committed and married to our spouses.

So your husband doesn't have an excuse, he is acting upon his temptation. Don't be too hasty to blame this woman, as if its not her, it will be someone else. The common denominator will be HIM because HE IS MARRIED TO YOU.

You mention you've been together for 10 years and he is behaving like this. I'm guessing either he has a mid-life crisis or there have been some problems in your marriage which had not been addressed and thus he "fell in love" with this other woman.

Whenever he blames you for alcohol - tell him he is an adult and he makes his own choices - NO ONE PUT A GUN TO HIS HEAD TO DRINK!!
As for this woman, you have tried to call her and got into a huge fight - try to call her and threaten to speak to her husband if she doesn't end the affair.

Then to your husband, ask him what does he expect and want? He can't have two women.

Please don't think just because you chose your husband somehow this happened. Even in arranged marriages these things happen. Don't think about what family and friends' think - you chose him, yes, but no one can predict the future. Sometimes things happen and even if they had chosen a husband for you, what will they say if he still does the same thing?
Don't be afraid to do what's right for yourself and if you have any kids, what's right for them, regardless of what others think.

In the end, its your life.

You need to give your husband an ultimatum.
Trust me on one thing - he is using divorce to scare you. Let's say you are afraid of his threats and you do everything he says, let him continue affair, let him maybe even one day visit India to meet this woman - what if in the end, after everything you let him do, he still divorces you? You would have lost a husband and all your dignity and respect as a woman for letting your husband play with you and disrespect you like a toy.

Give him an ultimatum. Say you are his wife, and he is your husband. If he loves this other woman so much, why is he continuing to have affair with her? How long will his "love" last? Another thing is show him evidence but do not show all of it. Simply put you need it to protect yourself just in case - for example he might swear that what you had found was just a 'one time' event or such but then you would immediately have caught him in a lie (meaning he is not ready to change and he is just finding excuses to throw you off and get you off his back).

You have been married 10 years now together and he wants to throw everything away for another married woman? Does family mean anything to him?

If he responds badly, ("I don't care," "I will divorce you"), then I would advise you tell him you need time to think about the marriage and that during this time he can decide his priorities in the marriage - you, his dedicated wife of 10 years who has proven to not only love him but be faithful to him - or another MARRIED WOMAN who has proven her own unfaithfulness to her husband so why should her affair to him be any different?

Take some time for yourself and evaluate what you really want to achieve - realistically - in your marriage. Move to your parents or if they are supportive, your in-laws' house and try to get them together on your side to heal and try to solve the problem.

You might love him, but are you happy to live in a loveless marriage? Does he show his love to you by having an affair with another woman?

I think your desperation to stay with him and hope he will magically change has made him very confident that no matter what he does, you will still stay with him. He knows he has the upper hand.

At least, even if in your heart you cannot bear to leave him, you must do what's best for him as a person as well. Having an affair is not normal, is not healthy for a man or a woman, and if you want it to stop, sometimes you must play a bluff (separate from him to show you are serious so he will realise and not take for granted the feeling of a wife taking good care of him and creating a beautiful home for him.).

 

i am confused- if he really cares for her as a friend, why is he constantly checking his mails on iphone. isnt this some kind of obsession or craving for her mails? do you really think this is friendship?
agreed, you know your husband best but why dont you just remove "ur love towards him" and read your post. There is something that you are probably missing to understand here. Do you think just for friendship he will fight with you? be okay you being unhappy with his communication with her? If you think its just friendship why does your post subject says he likes her more than you?
I maybe wrong but please give these questions a thought.

 

hi Rekha,

Like you have mentioned about your husband's character. It seems he is really a good man. But you know everyone have some hidden things which we never know. How this woman is trying to take your place, it seems there was distane between you and your husband. This woman is really acting very smart and taking advantage of your husband's nature. She must have some hidden intention that your husband too dont know. I think there is no harm if you inform this woman's husband about her feelings towards your husband. You forwards her mail to him by creating another id. I don't think such type of woman will like to live a messed life. She is acting all this as she is free from her husband's side no tension at all. Let her get tensed and in the mean time you act as you haven't done anything and try getting closer and closer... you too make him emotional but never talk about her when you are talking both of you as a couple. Try avoiding her name. You make him realize how much you love him and your struggle for marriage but never compare your relation and that woman while speaking to your husband. If you find difficult to speak. You mail him, you can express yourself well by writing. I don't think divorce is solution for any marital problem even if includes infedility. I feel we must try to get back our partner but there is always limit for everything. Married woman having affair with another married man is not at all true love this is a lust may be she wants to settle in US so your husband is a step to land in US.. you make her life mess nothing wrong in that. You have proof. You have to work out on this woman's actual intention and then get it in front of your husband... she is not doing to marry your hubby this is sure.. you will get your love back.. be sure you have to work on this, dont get mad, think and do... it will be alright.
take care,
PAdma