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My Husband Lacks Motivation.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sujaragu, Jan 28, 2018.

  1. sujaragu

    sujaragu New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    I need suggestion from all of you. My husband was working with big MNC as a IT consultant. After marriage we moved abroad and we returned from there in 2012. He was doing work from home job for 2 years. After that he started to concentrate in stock market.He lost almost 10 lakhs in that. Now we live in a 1 bedroom house with minimal facilities . But he is not interested in getting back to work. He always do stock market analysis although now he didn't have any money to invest.He don't have any social life other than attending relatives functions.
    He leave the house only to buy groceries and vegetables.
    I am worried , how to make to get back to a normal life?.Almost 6 years we live in this situation.
    We have one apt in Bangalore we rented that one and we manage our monthly expenses with that money.
     
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  2. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    This is a tricky problem. In general, it is not possible to shake someone, especially an adult, out of lethargy. You can only help them find their way once they have made a decision to stir themselves out of their torpor. It is good that you have property that provides some income.

    So, he's been unemployed for about 6 years. It might be difficult for him to explain the gap in his resumé to potential employers. I suspect that he realizes that a job search will require greater effort and more energy now than before - so he's unable to rouse himself up. Add to that a fear of failure, regret at having lost so much money with little to show for it, anxiety about having to start over at a position lower than what he had achieved before - all of these create a negative feedback loop stopping him from doing anything at all.

    Also, do consider whether he may be suffering from some sort of reactive depression due to feelings of inadequacy. This is more common among men than we realize, especially those who feel that they have failed as providers. His avoidance of social interaction suggests this as a possibility.

    What is his excuse, now that the investment thing is a no-go due to a lack of funds? What does he say when you or other family members ask him about his lassitude? What if you were to say "OK, I'm going to look for a job (or retrain, or whatever) if you're not - you can take care of the house"? Are you in any position to do that?

    If you decide to talk to him, do that in a purely financial context first. Don't make it about him. Talk about where you are financially as a family vs where you need to be to meet your obligations (old age income, health crisis reserves, children's education, other emergency funds and so on) and try to work from there.

    You need to first understand his reasons and rationalizations if you are to help him.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2018
    sheztheone, Laks09, vaidehi71 and 2 others like this.
  3. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    I do not want to sound like a arrogant person.

    But if i do the numbers. your dh was employed in abroad till 2012. then did Work from home till 2014. Then for argument sake spent 1 year playing with the market 2014-15.

    you say your dh is not motivated, i want to ask why were you not motivated in pushing him back to work. or how did you even let him out of work from 2014.

    sorry, my dh was sick and my son was sick last whole week. they recovered this weekend. my DH was telling me after 3rd day of holiday, he was feeling really lazy. because money is there, rent is paid. food is ready. he and son will wake by 10.00 am . take it easy and slowly take the day ahead. DH told that when basic needs are satisfied, sometimes long time off is addictive. Why did you let him sit unemployed.

    to solve your issue, going back to IT is very very hard now especially in India. he has to start networking with family and friends.

    exploring new career options, teaching, business. sorry it is hard to say but he has to move out of house and start meeting people.
     

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