My husband is his ex's manager, what if she rekindles his feelings?

pmshet · May 9, 2014

hi,
We have been married since a month and more now.
Before our engagement (during our courtship), my husband was trying to break off from his girlfriend(i got to know only later). Apparently, he had already told her many times over that he wont go against his parents. But she just wouldn't leave him.
While we were 'supposedly' courting, my husband (then fiance) was lying to me and was meeting her for a drink/dinner/lunch. We hardly spent time together during our courtship. The entire courtship was spent on him spending time with her to supposedly stop having any hopes on the relation that doesnt exist. I got to know about all of this only after a month after our engagement. (we had 3 months before the engagement happened). They still kept meeting to supposedly end it all with. A week before the wedding, i got to know she infact reports to him( he is her manager)!

Even after marriage she reports to him. So they get to see each other day in and day out. I dont feel good about it. I feel very insecure and more often than not, it feels like he is hiding something from me. There are times when i feel he is cold and numb. Thats when my emotions run really wild and i start thinking that there is something happening behind my back.

I need some advice on how to manage this situation. How do i confront and live with this idea everyday that he sees her everyday. How can i be sure that their feelings dont get re-kindled?

ammulur · May 9, 2014

At present don't make it a big issue. Speak with your H if possible request him to change to a better job....! As both of them are working together you can't ask him to stay away from her. Only a job change can do.....!

RedRuby · May 9, 2014

I feel its fishy that he spent time with her only coz he wanted to end her hopes. To end something you cut off all ties and contact with that person. As he is her manager he cud have stuck to a official communication only rule but he choosed to meet her private it seems. How did you came to know? Did he tell his own?
Ask him to change job or at least department so he wont work with her directly anymore. Tell him too that this is no small thing as he already lied to you and that in a period where you shud build up all the trust which was suppose to be the foundation of your marriage. did you know before marriage about his past (means having a ex-gf)? Tell him too he should better think about telling you other hidden facts too as truth will always come to light and you dont want more damage as already enough is done.
If you dont make your point clear now he will take you for granted i feel. so dont let him fool arround with you.
Speak in calm voice and dont threat but make him understand he crossed lines.
Get approval of the sort of communication which will be between them in future - pure business talk or private.
If you find out more or he keeps on hiding such important factors you might need to inform your parents.

If I wud walk in your shoes i wud be furios to be honest and feel cheated, I bow down for your patience and calmness... but please be carefull not to be take for a ride in future.

LotusAura · May 9, 2014

Dear OP,
If you are okay with being treated as a 'push-over', and if you have all the patience, time and optimism in the world to wait for things to sort out by themselves, then good for you!

However, if you truly want to lay your demons to rest, the ONLY way out is to assert your rightful respect as a wife, shake him out of his comfort zone and ask him to change his job. Or let HIM ask that girl to change her job. If he really loves you and wants to be in a happy, healthy marriage, he should not have a problem with either of that. However, if he refuses and DOES have a problem with it, then YOU sure have a problem in your marriage.

P.S. Even though changing jobs does not guarantee to put any affair to end, but it does drastically reduce the chances of that affair being carried on for much longer.
"Out of sight is Out of mind" generally holds true for many cases.

Good luck.

darmesh · May 9, 2014

Hi OP,

Why two threads ( here is the other one : http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/254326-my-husband-his-exs-manager.html ) with ditto the same matter ? It causes confusion. I request you to write to the Moderator to delete one of these two threads. It will be easy for we guys to reply and interact with you in only one thread , rather than through two different threads but with the same matter.