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My husband is a Father's boy

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Umaa, Nov 13, 2007.

  1. Umaa

    Umaa New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Let me explain the problem.
    I am not able say whether our marriage is arranged marriage or love marriage. Me and my husband work in a same company, we were gud friends before marraige. My husband showed his interest to my parents thru his parents. Even though I knew he was interested in me, he didn't tell that he was interested in me. He directly told his parents about me and his parents spoke with my parents and everyone agreed for marriage. After our engagement, a big shock that came to our family was my father lost his job and since i was the only earning person in the family after my father, I gave all financial support to my father during my marriage period. I told about our family and our financial crisis to my husband before marriage. He said that do help your father and it is your responsibility.

    Now I am married for 10 months. In these past months, I have given money for my parents since they were helpless. My husband told ok help them. But now my FIL and MIL are keep are telling to my husband "y she is giving her money to her family - get the money and buy a car, settle all your debts". Also they are illtreating my father and mother saying that they are coming to see me only to quander money. they are telling in front of me that my parents are beggers...my parents are asking money for food. My husband only listens to his father and he is also spilling all bad words about my family.

    My father or my mother didn't ask for money, i gave them money because they dont have and it was my duty to take care of them. FIL, MIL say that help your parents and after telling, they say all harsh words about my family.

    My husband is not willing to come to my home nor to see my parents because my FIL and MIL has told not to go. Even if i come to my home and stay for few days, he says that you have gone there only to give money to your parents. FIL is telling that "STAY WITH YOUR PARENTS, GIVE MONEY HOWMUCHEVER YOU WANT AND THEN COME AND STAY WITH US". My husband also is telling the same thing now.

    My husband is a very nice person, he loved me very much, but all these problems are coming because of my MIL and FIL who is keep on preaching him. My husband also listening only to them - MIL and FIL are whole world for him. He is not speaking with me properly as he did before marriage. Now his whole behaviour itself has changed.

    How can I make my husband understand that i too love him very much? He is keep on listening to his parents words and spilling all harsh words to me and about my family which i am not able to tolerate.

    Please help me

    Uma
     
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  2. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    dear uma,
    i am really proud to know that u r doing best for ur parents:hatsoff.
    pls ,tell u husband that u have some responsibilities towards ur parents which u have to fulfill & u need his full support.he seems to be intelligent person & will understand ur viewpoint.also tell him that no parents like to seek help from their daughters untill & unless it is very urgent & no other way is there.
    tell ur inlaws clearly that u will not tolerate their behaviour.ask them if they where in ur parents situation would their daughter have not helped them.
    take care
    pragati
     
  3. malarvp

    malarvp New IL'ite

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    Hi Uma,

    Sorry to know your situation. But this is what happens in all Indian families. whether it be a Love marriage or an arranged marriage this is the situation.

    if you and your husband are still working in the same place, take some break time and talk to him. tell him he knows your position and your family's situation now. also let him know that you are getting hurt by your in-laws treating. ask him what he wants you to do in this situation. make it clear to your husband it's not just a boy's responsibility to take care of the parents. but don't get into arguments. arguments will make the problems worse. once you have talked to your husband, talk to your in-laws along your husband. you talk to them instead of your husband explaining anything. tell them you are getting hurt by their words and it's not nice to tease a person who is suffering. after you had a talk if they continue to talk ill abt u'r parents, don't bother. just don't listen to what all they say. and in course of life everything will get set.

    wishes for you to overcome the situation.

    Cheers,
    Malar

     
  4. padmavathi m

    padmavathi m Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Uma,

    As Malar has told this happens in most of the Indian families.
    whether the in-laws are broad minded or not when it comes to daughter-in-laws problems they always treat it as a 3rd person's problems. Of course there are exceptions.

    But only way to come out of this problem you help your parents without ur in-laws knowledge. You will have to become still closer to your husband tell him that u r feeling bad for all this is happening around you.

    There was an aunty with whom i am very friendly, she will always tell me that everything and anything should not be known to everybody in our family. Few things should be between husband and wife, daughter and parents, daughter-in-law and in-laws, mother and children, there is always a boundary for everything as we all are human beings.
    Every human has his own likes and dislikes in different degrees, it is we who have to find ways to come out of every problem, find a solution to make our lives easier..

    When we try to mix up all relationships in our family we end up with misunderstandings, confusions, etc., LIfe is like a drama acting should be done efficiently once we loose our balance we will fall prey to every circumstance.

    So think where you are loosing your balance, act accordingly dear Uma.

    Bye
    Love
    Padma
     
  5. Umaa

    Umaa New IL'ite

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    Hi Padma,

    Really your answer and malar's answer give me some confidence to get face problem. What to do when my husband is not at all talking with me?

    Now i am 8 months pregnant. since I had some health problems i came to my mother's place (Coimbatore), my husband didn't come to see me at all (He is in Bangalore). I am calling him over phone daily. but he always talking for curtosy. standard questions are "Is your health is ok? had your food? Is there anything you want to say? nothing rt? can keep the phn?" that's it.

    due to indian customs and due to physical problems I am not able to go to Bangalore and see my husband. Also his brother's marriage is going on. He is more bothered about brother's marriage only rather than me. He is telling that if you were with me, I would have taken care of you. Since you went to your mother's place, I can not bother for you.

    Since i was not able to attend the marriage, my dad, brother went for my husband's brother's marriage. But no-one gave any respect to them since because they got money from me for their day today life. I am really not able to take all the words that they are speaking ill about my parents

    Please help me how can i make them understand that my parents are not like what they are thinking.

    Regards,
    Uma
     
  6. seashell

    seashell New IL'ite

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    Dear Umaa,

    Please dont trouble yourself with unhappy thoughts. Your are 8 months pregnant. you should concentrate on yourself & your baby.
    Dont think about anybody else. Dont call your husband too. I believe that we should never expose ourselves as emotionally weak. Your husband knew about the entire situation before marriage & he was the one who pursued you & showed interest in you.

    So now just wait him out without contacting him & see what happens. I am quite sure the your new baby will help you sort out the matter.

    Best of Luck & Take care,

    Seashell
     
  7. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Uma
    These are all very delicate issue we have to handle them very careful. These things happen in many families it is the women who has to be strong and firm in making her decisions, and you should exactly know what you want. Before getting married your husband knew that you will be helping your parents so now why should he have this problem just becoz of his parents?? No dear this is not correct. Be very strong wait till the baby is born and never let the baby go away from you at any cost. This baby is your weapon now. Never show your baby to anyone in your inlaws side. First thing is ask them to sit and talk on the issue, ask them to stop behaving like that, make your husband understand your problems speak out all the things you want to be cleared.
    As seashell says it is the baby who will help you to sort out the problems. So wait in meantime just note down all the points that you want to be cleared. Never let another person to underestimate you. So my dear be strong, you are a working women so don't be worried. You will be delivering a kid so at this point of time keep all your worries away and welcome the wonderful kid happily.
    Congrats for the new arrival.
     
  8. nagakriti

    nagakriti New IL'ite

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    Hi Uma,

    I am going through similar stuff and was browsing on the same. I found this post and my problem is very similar. The dates tell me that it is 3 months old.

    Have things changed?? Are they better now? Hope your answers give me the hope to wait.
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    old thread.................
     
  10. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    3 years old....
     

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