My husband hates me. Any tips on how to survive an abusive relationship?

Sorry to hear what you are going through.Unfortunately I dont have any advice other than asking you to be smart. Strike back, but at the right time.Till you finish your education, try avoiding any provoking conversations. After that, walk out.

 

Whatever happens, do not bring a child in the marriage yet until you know where you are headed.

next: Physical abuse is NO-NO. Next time, he raises his hand, stand firmly, look him in the eye and tell him to back off. You take the beating, his confidence increases and your's decreases. He gets more power and you take a worse hit.

No education is worth an abusive marriage. of what use is your medical degree if you can't stand up for yourself as a human being first? Get your basic priorities right.


Do not provoke any fight from your end. If he starts, it is his problem. Ignore. Be Calm. When he sees his ranting is having no effect on you, his rage will subside.


When you feel, things have changed for the better and he is more receptive to you. Talk to him by yourself or convince him to go to a counsellor.

Good Luck

 

You have made your decision to take beatings for the next 1.5 years in exchange for getting your husband to pay for your education. What do you think anyone can say to make this OK? I personally would choose to pay for my own education instead of being abused. And btw, what if you take the beatings and then he doesn't pay? Will it be worth it?

 

Dear froyo,
I can see that you are in the same situation as me except that my husband never said that he loves me and also he has apologised thrice in all these 8 years. There is more history of emotional, verbal, financial, sexual abuse but physical abuse was not there much except he threw vicks and a knife at me. He breaks things, threaten to burn my clothes, spit on my face, plucked and threw my plate while eating, packed my expensive sarees and clothes in garbage bags when I was overseas (just because I said that am not coming back),threw my tablets in toilet bowl when I was running severe fever, plucked my plate and threw it when I was eating, threatened to throw me out of the country, called me dharithiram, called me prostitute in public places, threw the dessert paayasam in to the sink because I made it when he said not to do, pushed me out of the house and closed the door, created a hole in the door by forcing the doorknob, made a dent in the wooden door by hitting it hard. Am in a same position as you dependent on him in aforeign country. I never had support from him while studying. He used tp pick and drop me but he never supported always cruelhurting words which erupts all of a sudden . I was walking on eggshells..Hence am in a bad position after 8 years. What i would suggest you is leave the relationship. Get ypurself a parttime job or try for a loan thro your parents or work during weekends. Physical abuse gets worser. What if he kills you. Sacrificing your life is never worthier than paying fo r your studies. I wish you strength and courage to face the situation. With prayers, S

 

Really sorry to hear your circumstances and I really hope that you'll find a way to come out of it.

There's no magic bullet here other than to take responsibility for your own life, and take action to become independent and not tolerate abuse. Nothing in this world is worth being demeaned and abused over in such a manner. Those "I love you"s and apologies mean jack **** if he's only going to repeatedly abuse you. Maddy posted a great thread about understand abusive relationships (don't know if you've come across that one) but it could be worth re-reading. I'm not sure I understand why you're trying to physically approach him or close the bridge that he's so hell bent on sabotaging repeatedly.

The fact that he only approaches you for physical intimacy without caring about all the other moments in between speaks volumes about his mentality towards you. I don't think I'd want to stay with anyone like that or be obligated to someone like that just because they paid my tuition. I hope you realize that if your will is to make a change and improve your life, that you absolutely must do your best to find other alternatives and not just settle for this option where you're abused and made to feel worthless. Realize that you're worthy, capable and deserving of love. Love yourself and take care of yourself. Never ever let him or anyone else make you feel like you're not worth it.

Also consider counseling to the issues between you two sorted out, or enlist the help of a friend or close relative who can help you out by providing a space for you until you get back on your feet. You can also speak to your financial advisor at your college or university if they have one. They might be able to help you plan your tuition costs, or figure out whether you can take a loan, or figure out whether you can get a P/T job and take fewer classes than you are right now to get a degree. Also connect with your professors and students…figure out whether there's any research programs you can be a part of that would give you some financial income as well as experience.

I think you can also reach out to a local abuse organization to see whether there's anyone there who can make suggestions that may make sense and give you better insight on how to approach this.

 

Hi Dear,

A very very very warm hugs to you. I totally understand what you are going through and i can put myself in your shoes and feel the pain. I have been through an abusive relationship and i know how painful it is for the victim to live with a person who says " I love you " every now and then but turns a monster when things don't happen as per his wish. I am very happy about one thing that you are able to recognize the fact that you are in an abusive relationship so i can guarantee that you will walk out of this mess soon .

OP, i want you to first erase all the mind block that you will be in a terrible position without him . Your husband has created situations for you where he has ultimately made you realize that you are dependent on him, which in fact is not true at all. These are the manipulation strategies of abusers where they will program you with thoughts that you will always be unloved and terrible in his absence. To explain to your further , an abuser likes to mesmerize and bond with the victim with manipulative mind programming ,please understand this and break free from him ASAP.

Please talk to your parents and neighbors about your current situation . Be smart, proactive and start collecting evidence against him without his knowledge, this will surely benefit you in the future . Don't live in an assumption that your parents won't be in a situation to help you . Saying this because many a times we assume situations and stop taking appropriate action thinking that it wont work out for us. I did the same mistake . I was mute for over an year thinking how bad my parents would feel but ultimately when i decided to tell them i was amazed that not only my parents but the world came in support of me and helped me a lot. I can only be thankful about this all my life.

You are an educated person and you don't deserve to be treated like a doormat. Your current situation doesn't compel you to stay in this relationship until you decide for yourself that you deserve this , which is not true.Life is too short to be unhappy, so please don't make the mistake of living with him. Never bring kids into picture . Your husband will always try to hurry establishing the next step in relationship, because he wants you to get entangled in this web. Never give in to his tactics. He will beg , cry, scream, do things which will blow you off your mind but never ever in life believe all this . He is a bully and he deserves only isolation in life.

Please check my another thread where i discuss about the psychology of abusers in detail.I am sure you will be able to relate to it totally.

If in case of any doubt please feel free to message me. I shall help you.

With Love,
Maddy

 

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/222203-psycology-of-abusers-manipulators.html

Check this out !