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My Husband Anger Making me mad.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ritha, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. ritha

    ritha New IL'ite

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    Hi All - This is very first time am using this site.Please advice me on the issue am facing.

    I got married in 2008 .Its been 2 years now .I don't know what to do with my husbands anger .He gets angry very soon for small things.He never appreciates me .I am working women .I get up in the morning and i'll prepare breakfast,lunch and then go to office .Recenlty I had miscarriage in dec 2009 .From that day am so sick and weak.I can't do things as I used to do before so we started eating outside much.He is having some health problems like Ullceratve colits and he says all the time that he is not well internally .I understand that.when I first came to US after marriage I came to know about his anger.He hitted me for 4 to 5 times and absued with very bad slang for different reasons.He always threaten me of Divorce and leaving me at my parents.He used to threaten me of calling my parents and inform them like am leaving your daughter.From past 6 months he was fine coz am keeping quite for eveything. But even am human being I have some feeelings.I get anger but as I know his anger I never express anything to him rather I cry alone all night .Its love come arrange marriage so my parents not at all interested in him.I forced to marry this person .I don't know about him perfectly but somehow happened.Now I can't break this relation ship ,I love him lot .I can't explain this to my parents as I choosed my parents themselves suffering with lot of problems ,I can't tell them about this.please help me what to do with this other than divorce.he is very good but if we go anything against to him he will go mad.His father won't stay with him I don't know anything about him .He just said before marriage that he is not good and very bad natured person he used to torchure his mother so they are staying away with him.he is only son may be he is having impact of all these aswell .Please help me on how to resolve this.

    Thanks
    Ritha
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
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  2. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    He has hit you 4 or 5 times already and you have not done anything about it? Physical and verbal abuse of your spouse is just loathsome and disgusting and entirely unacceptable behavior. Next time, call the police when he hits you because I think you have had enough. I don't know what makes men think they can physically abuse their wives and get away with it. I see you live in the US so the next time he abuses you physically, do not hesitate to call the police and book him for domestic assault and battery. You need to be absolutely resolute on this and not let him get away with physical abuse.

    Well if he threatens you with divorce, call his bluff next time and see what happens. The way I see it, a man who physically abuses you and verbally torments you is not worth having as a partner and nothing good will come out of that relationship. You are not a hostile target or punching bag for his own problems. Teach him a lesson and call the police and he will go to court and they will dictate that he goes thru anger management therapy. But do not let him get away with this behavior or this will only get worse.

    I hope you will act firmly next time and let him learn his lesson the hard way. No woman should put up with this physical abuse nonsense and the way it sounds from what you describe, he is not worth all the trouble and abuse. BE FIRM. TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.
     
  3. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    I am sorry abt what u r going thru. But the one thing that is good to know is that u say he is very good in other aspects and u love him a lot. Hang on to that. I wud not suggest calling police or anything - hitting is bad ofcourse but u say his nature is short tempered.. and he has health issues, family issues.. so I have to commend ur patience.

    does he show any remorse when he cools down? if yes, do u think he means what he says at that time? before u do anything drastic, find out if he is a victim of poor anger management..

    decide based on that.. I know it is not a helpful answer.. but I wud not suggest feminism to ruin relationships..
     
  4. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    You said its a love cum arranged marriage. In that case, did you not know about his anger before marriage?

    If you had known, you should have taken steps earlier to manage his anger!
     
  5. shamalaravi

    shamalaravi New IL'ite

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    Dear Ritha
    i m sorry for all that u r undergoing, as a women i wld like to tell u, God Made women with lot of patience, courage, tolerance, n many more.... as u mentioned that it was ur choice, hav faith in ur choice, Love is the key for successfull marrage. try to understand ur husband, his dos n donts, try to skip the sitiuation. there is nothing wrong if u accept ur husband as he is.... trust me ur Love for him will change him 1day. usually men build patience wen they bcom father, u can try it out.....

    take care
     
  6. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    I cannot believe I am reading that it is ok to let a husband get away with repeated physical abuse and it is ok for men to physically abuse their wives if they are short tempered or have problems and the woman should endure all this abuse and love the man. I am in awe and I am totally in loss for words to describe what I feel. I do sincerely hope the OP does not take this abuse any longer and take action to nip this at once.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
  7. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Even I dont agree that OP should keep quiet doing nothing. I think she should take firm steps to solve the issue. If not dialling 999, she should atleast try to make him go to anger management classes. Next time he hits, just be firm and say that if this goes on, she will be the one to divorce him. Otherwise , putting up with this type of person for long will spoil her self esteem and individuality.
     
  8. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Lady, First don't have a child until you know where your marriage is heading. You are married to a dysfunctional family. The impact will be there in the man and it will reflect in every facet of life. I was married to a man who had cut-off with his father and was from a messy family. He was a psycho and was abusive. It was impossible to judge when he will be happy, sad, angry, and what not. If you live with such people you will go mad.

    You need to discuss with your parents and as a family take a collective desicion or convey your desicion. You are not born to get abused physically and emotionally.

    You are young, you need a life of respect and dignity. Persistent abuse will leave you in depression and cause such a damage that it will take time for you to repair them.

    Before it is too late, tell him your problems and if things don't work, come out of the marriage.
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ritha

    My question is..what do you mean by saying other than abusing/ being angry he is good!!! what does this statement mean? what does GOOD mean in your terms??

    When you say that he gets angry and mad and abusive when you go against him..i.e might be you might want to suggest your opinion or want to do something your way or something that is bothering you and you want to convey it to him...so all these make him angry and abusive..isnt it?? So what is the good part in him?

    Yes after a miscarriage a wife needs more care and love and more rest that too for a working women she needs more support from her husband..so now that you know how he is going to be when you are in need of his support emotionally and physically, how would you face situations when your kid is born??? after child birth a mother needs utmost support and care. If he is so abusive even towards your parents and threatens you with divorce, does he sound like a person who owuld want to take care of you when youare in need.

    Yes he does seem to have problems iwth his anger might be it runs in the family...as per your information about your inlaws.

    Am sure you have already tried all the possible options to ensure he doesnt get angry and doesnt raise hand on you..but tell me to what lengths a woman can keep quiet without uttering a word?? it would make you frustrated and not good for your physical and mental health.

    Is there any chance , you can ask him to go to a therapist or counsellor about his anger issues?? My only concern is a man who is verbally and physically abusive and doesnt want to address his own immature behaviour, what good parent he can be?? So for sometime put a stop on you planning to become a mother! You might think that after a baby is born things change...but if you read other posts on IL you would understand how difficult its going to be after a kid is born as you dont want to see your kid being abused or growing in a family with such instability.

    Yes your parents might have said NO to marrying this guy..thats all in the past. But again when you mean you want to share all this with them...tell me how is it going to help? do you want them to make decisions for you? they wont and they cant! Any parent specially girls parents would tell the girl to adjust, to keep quiet, to have a baby or to just close eyes and steer through times...but you did all this..didnt you?? did it help? no...So the kind of support you have to take from your parents is when you want ot make a decision and inform them that yes you married the wrong guy, you still love him, he too seems good at SOME TIMES...which is not enough to be in a marriage...Marriage should make us grow personally and emotionally, it shouldnt make us feel tied down to a rock where we have no way to go or see!..

    Divorce may sound like a very harsh decision, but what is the reason for your husband to suggest divorce so many times? why is he thinking of separation just out of regular fights? what are his complaints about you?

    Remember one thing...Any physically abused woman would feel that she has done something wrong and thats the reaosn why her husband is treating her that way....and she starts adjusting as much as she can...and this make the husband think he was right in giving the punishment i.e abuse to the wife as she is taking it silently...This would do no good to both of you as you are doing harm to him by making him more violent! and he is doing harm to you by making you adjust and absorb all the anger without a word! you woudl slowly loose your self confidence and even you would start getting scared of any new thoughts or staying away from him...reason..you are addicted to him and his abuse..you keep telling yourself he is good and he loves you..and because you love him you have to take what all he is giving you good / bad...but remember LOVE DOESNT HURT in such nasty ways....

    You both are adults and you both need to handle your differences in a mature way. We may not like everything about a person, so just because he doesnt like some thing you said or did doesnt give him right to beat you up...

    One good thing among all this is you are financially independant and working. You dont have to depend on your parents/husband. I would suggest think about it. Suggest he going for counselling or you both going for some marital counselling. If he reacts nastily again, might be let your parents knowabout the whole situation, inform your MIL about her sons behaviour and that you to want to stay separately and cant take these beatings anymore. If still he sticks to his threats and want to divorce you, finally its your call dear!

    Remember the moment a kid is involved in such marriages, its tough for the moms as you have to juggle and keep your emotions and the kids emotions in check. Even if you want to separate at that time, its going to be much more painful than what you are feeling now...but all I can say I dont expect miracles from people liek your husband..They are what they are...if they want to change or if they feel embarassed about their behaviour , am sure he would have already taken steps to fix it or atleast been sorry for it..so time for you to atleast act with some maturity and think about it. Even if you want to continue living iwth this guy...think twice before you plan for a kid.
     
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    My hugs and love to you. Here is my advice to you.PLEASE GET OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

    I was in a similar situation and I know it never gets better and having kids will just tie you in.

    YOU ARE IN A GREAT COUNTRY THAT WILL SUPPORT YOU.

    Please go to the nearest Women's support center for asian women like APNA GHAR.They have great support,counselliing,free advice ,lawyers everything.

    Google "Cirlcle of Violence or Cycle of violence" and you will know what I mean.

    Everybody may have difference of opinions BUT no one has the right to physically abuse you.

    God Bless and good luck
     

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