my hubby's friendship

To some extent I agree with Tridev here.

LOVE and TRUST doesnt mean we have to shut our eyes and be blind. Even god cant help those people who just ignore the problems by giving them the name LOVE.

sa

Yes love your husband, trust him for what he was and what he is..but at the same time keep your eyes and ears open.

I would suggest give that silent treatment as suggested by Tridev and one fine day...let your husband know time for him to choose b/w you and his mobile friend. Doesnt matter if she is in neck deep problems or on the verge of suicidal mode or her boy friend left her or she has some other personal problems. Your husband is not hte only man or colleague in his office to help her. Moreover your husband is not a professional counsellor or therapist to help such people. Such personal interferences from colleagues often leads to extra marital relationships. WE have heard and seen enough of such stories. Your husband already sounds like being deeply involved with this girl emotionally/mentally. How did I come to that conclusion??? because he is not able to cut off the calls from this girl. He feels responsible to make her feel better. and is it his responsibility??? what about his own wife whom he is married to??? Who is he more answerable and responsible for?

A man who is emotionally involved would give such reasons ..that the girl isin deep trouble or emotionally down or that she needs just some strong support to lean on etc..etc...basically such helping each other often leads to depending on each other emotionally and the next thing we know.....lunches, movies, office on weekends, and what not...there the affair starts!!

Give him that final ultimatum that he has to STOP this or else you would directly take it up with that girl. Time for him to STOP this therapy session for the girl and let her have her life and STOP babying her around.The girl needs to grow up and so is your husband. Was your husband responsbile for her choosing that boy friend ofhers who dumped her?? NO..then why does he feel so responsbile to makeher feel better? You are also a girl and you too have emotions and hurtful feelings which need to be addressed. Time for both of you to recognise whom are you responsible for and to!!

 

I second Tridev and SriVidya's comments.

Trust is very important in a marriage. But blinding trusting someone because they say you have to trust them is not correct.

Confront your DH and demand an explanation :rant and tell him firmly that if he can not ask her to stop calling at night, then atleast he should talk in front of you.

As a wife you have every right to know whats going on with that girl friend of your DH. You should get to the bottom of this before its too late.

 

Sa

Did you go through the responses you got for this thread?? what is the point in saying the same thing over n over again..i.e my husband loves me, he is kind hearted, he is helpful, everyone likes him, he is not cheating etc..etc...Yes your husband has all those good qualities. But again sometimes even without recognising or realising that he is being dependant on this girl for some emotional needs happens...this is how the dependancy starts.

Check any signs of how extra marital affairs start..they will give tehse signs...picking up calls at odd hours. going to a diff place /room and talking on the cell. not able tocut off the ties with the other person, finding and giving reasons to continue the friendship...

As I said ...ASK yourself and your husband, inw hat way are you responsible to this girl? if it is aprofessional relationship, lets keep it professional, if its a friendly relationship keep it friendly. (Does your hsubands guy friends call him on and off on his cell phone???irrespective of what time of the day or night it is???)

There is a fine line b/w friendship and depending emotionally. We all are human beings, we get carried away, we dont know when we cross that line, if we dont keep and follow our own limits.

So no point in crying after something happens...we have to be careful and set some limitations even before things go out of hand (arent things already out of your hand..about these calls and how he insists he has to help this girl???)

 

Cheating means,you don't have to worry on physical relation.It will be a emotional relation especially from the women side.Your husband really have to cut down step by step.If he doesn't understand importance of cutting down her frindship then it will be a damage in long run.What if she get used for his softness even after marraige she may not like her own husband(because husband are not soft like friends).That's where will be damage.So he needs to really cut down her friendship.I beleie go with Tridev plan and see what happens.

 

Sa,

I'm sure he loves you but lots of men love their wives while having an affair. It has nothing to do with love!!!

And cheating does not mean just having sex....he is cheating on you by withholding information about this girl.

I'm sure you love him, but it is apparent that you don't love yourself. If you did, you would not put up with this nonsense.

 

Talk to your DH as a friend and tell him how much this is hurting you emotionally... if he is kind, he should stop hurting you.

Turning a blind eye to the problem-at-hand might be a short-term solution, but if you want to save your marriage in the long run, you have to talk to your DH.

 

it might be ur husband(her boyfriend) who had left her!!!

 

i underwent a similar thing..and my DH behaved this way (it was chats not sms or calls as its cross country) i didnt ask him anything for few days, observed everything and one day i put my step down and asked for his mail pwd and he was shocked but he had to give me. i saw his few chats with her and questioned him what was going on and why he was dedicating so much time. his response was that the girl (his friend) had a lov failure, she proposed and the guy rejected and now pressure from her parents to get married and bla bla. I knew that my DH was giving suggestions and mentoring rant) her. but the time that was dedicated on her was too much.

after taking the pwd and reading some chat i told him whats going on and is this how you chat with a girl. why dedicate so much time for her. he got angry while asked him and started off too much of fight and scratching on some unrelated issues. i said that he was ignoring me and scheduling chat timing for which he denied (though i knew he was lying). I was not getting angry at all in the entire scene (1 day) but he was getting angry and shouting. I said to him clearly that I am here married, left job, living in an alien country jst for him and that I cant take or digest wat was going on. I said I have told all this, would u be fine if I do the same... then in the end of the day he came down and said that yes I am dedicating more time for her and I need to minimize it. I said, u chatting with her is not an issue, but discussions too much personal stuff and for such long and late hours is not acceptable.

Such men get angry too much. So handle it carefully and dnt keep nagging it every now and then. When you speak, speak once or twice and put a stop to it. There is a limit even in friendship. Helping friend is fine, friend should hv some sense when to chat or when not to or when to call or when not to... Make your DH realise this.