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My hubby says am over reacting on his friendship with a lady collegue...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Painfultears, Jul 4, 2010.

  1. Painfultears

    Painfultears New IL'ite

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    I need ur advice..

    Iam Indian gal married ( love marriage same religion but different caste- we speak the same language though - Tamil) for 7.5 years...we both were born n brought up in chennai and thats the place where our marriage happened with our family's presence..
    Now we r in Sydney..

    My hubby works for a software firm for the last 2 years..

    my hubby works at sydney and they have their lil brabch offices at India, Dubai, China and Canada too..
    my hubby is close to a girl who works in india office and she is 23 yrs unmarried gal..she is goin to get engaged soon and her marriage is in Dec I suppose...Initially they were jus speaking for 2 or 3 days in week but these days its daily..she calls him on saturday too..and he said they India office works on saturday..she has doubts regarding work and thats the reason y she called...ok but this is getting too much..All I can see on his mobile is her calls to him and his to hers..and few SMS too..few official and a few personal..I didnt find anything vulgar though...

    I already told him before 3 weeks that they have to slow down the friendship and am not liking it...we had a big argument and he said that am thinking from a negative perspective and theres nothing wrong in this friendship and all they talk is more official and less personal things n stuff...I asked him how come she has so many doubts and noone else calls him to ask anything..he said that he is having some politics at India office and hes helping her to do her work and nothing other than that..since she also speaks tamil he got comfortable to her in a short span of time as their india office is at delhi and she is the only person who speaks in tamil there..its a small office though...


    Now I have my own reasons for being so intruding coz thats what he thinks..hes not liking me checking his mobile, calls and SMS and he said friendship shd not have gender discrimination and he said am having a very bad perspective of looking at things and am not doin it in the right way...

    still here are my reasons y I said Iam not liking this to continue.

    1st reason : I know my hubby for 5 years before marriage and we r married for 7.5 years...(totally 12.5 years)....a year before out marriage ie in year 2001 when we were dating each other ( Indian Dating style not western) I found out that he had a id which he maintained secretly and I didnt knew about....he was flirting with a christian gal..she is a posh and rich gal...they exchanged e mails/phone numbers...all this happened in 1999 and until 2001 he didnt tell me a word about it until I found out...I did see very unplesent emails from her "I love U" stuff...he said that he was jus trying to make her convince to take him to disco atleast once..coz he wanted to go there atleast once in his life...he said since am not that kind of gal and I will not accept goin to disco before marriage..he thought he cud try someone else for fun...and thats how it all happened...

    he assured me that he didnt like/love her..he was only trying to do time pass so that she will take him to disco..but he said he didnt even go to disco coz he then didnt feel good about it and slowly started avoiding her..but this went on for 3 months in 1999 behing my back and I was not aware of it until 2001..again he didnt tell me..I found it out...

    though we didnt have commitment of a marriage in 1999 *but definitely we were in love with each other...

    I came to know this in 2001 only..and I asked him for an explanation..coz there were 54 emails in that id of his from her..he begged me to forget about it coz he said that was before 2 years..he was immatured and so on...he said am the only person he loved and convinced me..I cried so much..but he promised me tht he didnt go out with her even once....and am the girl he love and so on..finally I accepted him coz he did realize his mistake....this was the first instance

    2nd reason : In the present job at sydney...around last year..my huddy got close to a gal in India office (branch office)..not this gal that I mentioned above..this is a different gal...they used to chat in their official ids..they started to get more personal..his collegues were pulling their legs that he was always chatting with her...so she created 2 ids for them..one for her and one for my hubby...
    her id was my hubby's names first letter and his DOB.... like T03062008 where T is the first letter of his his name and he was born on 3rd June...she used this id
    she created DecemberJanuary08 id for him..they chatted and this was goin on for more than 1.5 months behind my back..I was not aware of these id creations or chats...All I knew at that time was he has a friend in India office..thats it...and I didnt suspect anything at all that time...
    he also got few emails from her which he deleted coz both of us knows each others ids and passwords..so me made sure that he deleted coz he was worried that I might not understand this friendship...
    one day to my surprise on his iphone I saw tat hes send my picture to that T03062008 id...I didnt understand,,,since he was starting off to work I didnt ask him anything...once he left I jus entered his email id and there was nothing in the inbox..when I went to sent folder I saw the mail tht he sent to that id of hers with my photo..still I didnt realize this cud be someone's else id coz the name and DOB is of my hubby..now I was puzzled to know why he creates this id in the first place and y is he sending a mail to himself..that too my photo??? then when I checked the other mails I found that hes replied to her emails ..there were about 10-12 emails...nothing vulgar but I found it very disturbing..

    her mail read as " hey hey hey....am waiting for u from 6:30 india time...y r u not online..its 11 in sydney...come sooon...I want to talk to u now...something imp...pls pls pls come quickly am waiting for u online" for which hes replied..yea will get online in 20 mis....
    so few mails like this...she asking him to come online ....
    now I know what was happening behing my back...
    I waited till he came back home..I gave him dinner and asked him about everything...
    he said he was sorry for all this but said he never had any kinky feeling for her..and the id of hers I asked how dare u allowed her to use such a id for which he said that she treats him like her mentor and thats y she wanted to have that id and he didnt feel anything odd to question about it...
    but he also reveled me something which I never wanted to hear in my life...he said that though we have been chatting for 2 months now..before 2 days..she said that she has some kinds feeling for me...like she is unable to stop thinking about my hubby even when she is talking with her boiyfriend...and shes told him now for which my hubby has advised that dont worry..this is ur age...u will have a good married life with ur BF...u will also enjoy ur married life as I am enjoying with my wife..blah blah...advising her...and make her understand...I asked him y did he not snub her..he said she didnt say it directly and moreover she is 22 yrs old immatured gal..so probably she didnt know how to handle..blah blah...
    but I had a BIG fight that night and I was not convinced..I told him hes cheated me..he was doin all these behing my back for which he said if u had not asked me today I wud have anyways told u in a weeks time.....coz after that incident that happened before 2 days he kinda kept a bit away from her chats and stuff...
    I promised on his (late) dad that he didnt cheat on me..the only mistake he did was he didnt tell me anything and he hide things from me..that too for the only reason that I will feel hurt and bad about it..so he thought he can get over it without my knowledge ...

    even before 3 weeks when I asked him y hes starting this trend again he said he was ashamed that I didnt forget the last years episode still and am bringing it in out marriage even now...he said this gal to whom hes speaking to his his close friend and thats it...theres nothing other than that..hes asking me y cant u take this gal as one of ur cousins laxmi or nithya?? she is a good gal...for which I told him that even if hes spoke to my cousin/his cousin everyday I wud not like it..but he seems not to understand my point..he feels that my demands r too much and he says he needs a life out of marriage too...good friends are always needed...for which I asked him u do have few male GOOD OND BEST friends now y do y want one more gal now?? hes saying friendship shd be unbiased..I am bringing gender into friendship which is very wrong and he says am seeing things negatively....
    now what do I do???
    *BTW am 2.5 months pregnant with our first kid...I had 2 early miscarriages in the past..am not woring now as doctor has asked me to be careful with my pregnancy as I have bicornuate uterus...am at home going mad coz of my hubby...
    we r not talking to each other for the last 2 days coz he thinks am being unreasonable to ask him to stop talking to this gal...but for me I dont want to go thro the **** what I went thro...is it wrong on my part to ask him to stop/limit his calls to her??

    friends I need ur advice...

    BTW I too have male friends..with whom I stay in touch..but I dont speak to them everyday or mail them everyday...its once in a bluemoon thats it...

    shd he not have our marriage as his first priority and then comes his social life?? y he he doing this to me now??

    Am extremely sorry for long post... I jus wanted to give all the facts in detail....
     
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  2. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    First you shd stop worrying..you are pregnant,congrats:thumbsup..take care of urself. Then try to engage your husband in the evenings.Spend more time with him.
    About his girl friends..i would not like it either...talking daily.Coz it starts as a friendship and then emotional dependancy, finally love.The girl is already having feelings for your husband.If I were in his place...the moment someone tells me ''im unable to forget you''...thats it..STOP the friendship.But your husband seems to enjoy these friendships..talking with them sweetly,giving advices,comfort.If his intention is to really help the girl,stop spoiling the girl's life and stay away from her.She will spoil her future marriage!!
    Might be its just a friendship for your husband today...but not tomorrow,who knows?At this point,please ask ur hubby to stop chatting and pay more attention to you.
     
  3. Painfultears

    Painfultears New IL'ite

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    Dear Rose,
    thankss for ur post... Jus have to clarify one thing here... This gal is not said anything like thinking about him or anything like that.....that was the other gal with whom he chatted using those ids that I have mentioned in my post.. When I asked him about that last year he said he advised her but he stopped/ limited his talks to her only after I made a big fuss about it...
    This gal to whom he's speaking to these days he says she is jus a close friend that's it.. N she is gonna get married in December this year... I told him am not liking the daily talks for which he says it's official more n less personal...though he said before 2 days that he wud limit his talks with this gal am not liking this stupid trend of his... Coz he blames me that am imagining things too much.... But I jus want to be careful this time and I don't want to be a fool again... We r not talking to each other for last 3 days coz I told him that he need not do anyhing for "ME" rather he shd do something to save the marriage for which he has not still replied... I don't want to go behind him this time... So I didn't bother to talk/ask again...

    N thanks for ur wishes n concerns on my pregnancy... Yea my 3rd month scan is on 19th of this month and am praying tat everything is fine with my little bub...

    Thanks for taking ur time in reading my post..
     
  4. JayaJ

    JayaJ Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Firstly, take care of your health...you need to focus more on your health than ur hubby's friendships with girls...

    secondly, maybe your husband cant help being friendly with girls...maybe its genuine friendship with this girl...

    Thirdly, i am uncomfortable that they are talking almost every day, even on saturdays...its unhealthy - my personal opinion...
    maybe you should put ur foot down and tell ur husband that u dont want him to talk to that girl...if he insists that u r being narrowminded, dont budge. remember u r saving ur marriage here....
    tell him if he doesnt stop it, you will...
    take down that girl's number and call her...talk friendly to her that u heard abt her marriage in december from your husband and try to warn her off subtly... that should do the trick...

    thats the only suggestion i can offer..hope they help you...

    take care,
    jaya
     
  5. pshanti1986

    pshanti1986 New IL'ite

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    First things first. Warn and threaten him that if has any contact from today with any girls in the future, you are out of this marriage, as i think he will have that cheating behavior for ever.

    Second if he gives excuses, blackmail him by saying that all his conatcts and cheating is causing you stress and he will be responsible if you suffer from any miscasriage or pregnancy related undesirable effects.

    Third, if all these donot work get help, by taking about his behavior to his parents and your parents and his siblings and yours as well.

    My take is he will continue to cheat till people start to reject him. So, prepare to get out of this marriage as early as possible without hangovers.
     
  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Painfultears you knew what you were getting into before marriage itself , still you went ahead and tied the knot with the flirt. Thats what he is .
    As my friends have said , he may never change , he may stop talking to this particular girl but may meet someone else.
    Some girls are pretty smart , they will try to sweet talk senior people in office , both will have a good time and then move on. It may never turn serious . But such people do not understand the pain and hurt they cause to their partners.
    Men of course love the attention showered on them by young girls ,more so if they are middle-aged. They know that its work related but all the same they enjoy it and start flirting. Some one elses fiance, wife is interested in them gives them a thrill.
    Tell him frankly that he has to stop getting extra pally with women since the little one is coming and he should mend his behaviour.
    Take care !
     
  7. Painfultears

    Painfultears New IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for ur replies... Yea tonight when he is back from work I will try to speak to him n make him understand how painful it is for a wife to go through this without any fault of hers..
    I will keep u all posted regarding further happenings in the same..
    Again thanks for your time n good luck to all..
     
  8. mapleleaf

    mapleleaf Silver IL'ite

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    My heart goes out to you, I know how hard it is to get pregnant after 2 miscarriages, this kind of stress at this present state is so not needed.
    I do not have any suggestion or solution to your problem but just wanted to lend a shoulder for support. Please take care of your health.

    P.S how about asking your husband to read your post on this forum, he probably might see how hurt you are and how valid your fears are.Take care.
     
  9. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think that now that you are not talking,wait n watch to see when he approaches you.See how much importance he gives you.If he is willing to stop talking to his prgnant wife just for some stranger...is it love??
     
  10. Painfultears

    Painfultears New IL'ite

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    Thanks mapleleaf... If nothing happens I will show him this post n let him see for himself that how hurt I am.
    Rose what u say is absolutely right... Not talking to preggo wife for a friend whom he knew for jus over 3 months or so... How strange... I really don't know what's in his mind.. Actually I wrote him a big mail stating everything n tried telling him it's natural for a wife to feel this way...I know he's read the mail but he's still the same.. Still not talking..
     

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