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My H Is Going Insane At Home

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Aug 5, 2020.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    We were stranded in india ever since covid started and came back about 2 months ago.
    Life was hard there and my kids suffered a lot. My older one.. Stuck at IL home, our fights she suffered.. fighting infront of her and everyone.
    We came back. Things just got worse.
    He is busy all the time and does not do much for kids. I make breakfast, feed them, engage them, take them out on/off, take my office calls along with them screaming, feed younger one,
    cook lunch, again feed, again evening snack /milk/ then , sometimes teach older one, take them out, and shower.
    He makes morning tea and does his yoga etc. After his work stops, he watches phone and plays piano..and sits on dining table, watches phone, night time cleans up dishes etc and screams and watches phone.
    Evening - does he play with kids.. sometimes, but while watching phone.
    Does he take them out? no? if i insist, force a lot, he will go out sit next to them while watching phone.
    Where is he..
    At night, he will keep cleaning house till 12. Which he does not need to.
    When do i work? I do not? I stay up late to finish my work after my younfer one sleeps. My older one sleeps with him. She gets so tired. She keeps calling him to come upstairs. But he mostly screams at her about cleaning etc and poor girl gets scared and come upstairs to her room. And most of times, she will get phone from him, so he does not have to deal or talk with her.
    She won't come to me to sleep and stays up till 12.
    Does he take them to park or near garage or in yard. Not at all. Always inside.
    Me and him have left no love and its almost converted to hatred now and just living together. I am thinking 5 more years, till my younger one is atleast 5 so i can think what to do.

    I hate him to the core that i think bad about him.
    Every other day there will be fights in the house about cleaning. He thinks i do not keep the house clean and always uses bad words like house is dump, potty house or pee house which really irritates me.
    On dinner table i ask him not to watch, kid is learning to break the rules, no.
    Whenver we sit at table ,we fight. Table is dirty, there is potty everywhere.

    I do his laundry every week and fold everyone's clothes except his but put in his closet. He has not done laundary in 5 yrs. Toilets/bathrooms - not in last 10 yrss.
    Brush/Cook/feed/put them to bed, like hamster on wheel. Also meanwhile picking toys from floor or clothes.
    But with kids and everyone in house, it is impossible to have it perfectly clean. and poor kids where do they go.Some level clean i understand.
    But he is untalkable.
    He is one of those guys who sees world around him is so kind, hard working and nice. World in house are mean, do not do anything.
    Funny thing - We stayed in India for 4-5 months. Each single day I did up/down bringing him morning tea/kids milk, and then again breakfast. While my older SIL living there, did not cook breakfast. My MIL for her H only. Each single day. And day/night my office work and meeting at odd hours, keeping track of LO feed etc. No appreciation. Infact, if i ask to take care of him, because i have to cook bkfast for him/kids before work, which will interfere with something that his parents asked him to do, (which anyone else could have done), he will create hell and cry.
    His SIL - oh she is so hard working... look at you. She always feed her H. She always take care of him even when he does not do anything, he gets food, not matter what. I told him there are things i can do she cant but then stopped..why to compare ..man. She is housewife doing same thing for 20 yrs.
    I have strengths she does not.
    My H likes and worships her. Ok good... Just like SIL's husband, my BIL - you are bad H. Losing temper at nothing.
    We never sit together to do something together. Only was probably breakfast on weekends that also he is watching or cursing us for unclean house, table.
    I am not sure what to do. I just can not live like that. and he just got worse with india trip
    I am really considering counselling at this time, but he will not attend. so filled with ego..
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Like you working after younger one sleeps, your H also should plan, first let your daughter sleep, then go to cleaning the house. If he is able to do cleaning at that time it is good, better not interfere.
    You can't expect him how and when and what to do, as you want it happen, let it go.
    Even with kids all the time at home, schedules and learning can't happen, let it go.
    You have to let it go, otherwise hour by hour , you see nothing happens as you expect and you will be super stressed. And shouting and day will be messed up. Stress is because we want to do at least 10 times more than what we can do in a day, so leave some things even if not done.

    In the bigger picture, if you take 5 years or so, we will have memories only, and family relationships matter the most, so these covid times, put blame on it and let day to day things go as it goes, and keep family bond strong.

    Try to forget India stuff and people what happened, as you guys not travelling and they are not coming to your place in a year or two for sure. Try reducing calls and keep things to basic hello how are you. Otherwise even you guys far away same things will run in your mind.

    Try pranayama and spend some me time just to sit calm. It gives some peace.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2020
    Angela123 likes this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I can relate to this fight over cleaness.
    What worked for me, first method, Ignore as if I am deaf. Second, if he keeps doing even after I clean house within my capacity, I will tell him. "Kids are my priority, feeding them and taking care of them. I have done what I can do, I will do only when I feel like doing it, if you think that's not enough or do a better job you can do it yourself ( this sentence alone is enough)" then walk away. But you have mentioned that he is helping that's a good sign.

    Ask him to do laundry for kids and him so that you can fold it. If he is not doing it, stop doing his laundry. He is not your kid. Ignore his complaints.

    As you are working, do all detailed cooking / cleaning during weekends and limit it on week days. You can manage kids only by proper schedules. Take them to bed early. Do minimum cleaning to maintain hygiene.

    How old is your kids? Buy another TV and switch it on with kids programs if you have urgent office work to do. Don't give mobile its not good for their eyes and they get addicted to it . Limit potty activities within bathroom only.

    You can not control him. But you can control you. Let him do his personal stuffs. Don't over do things. Always find time for you. Atleast half to one hour. I used to spend it after my kids go to sleep when they were very young. That helped me to maintain sanity. I feel that you are very stressed.

    Tell yourself that you won't yell or bring unnecessary negative energy there. Do what you can do and ignore his complaints. Always ask help. Ask him politely like can do help with this ..if he don't do ,then wait till you have time and energy to do it. If he yes, ask him when he will be able to complete it.

    At this stage its better to schedule. Announce to kids like, its lunch time or bed time. If you don't stick with schedule it can result in chaos.

    If he praise others, just ignore or you can say yeah they are doing a good job as house wives, if you think that's better why don't you go and stay in India with them. Then smile. This is all I can do.

    Don't complain about them to him it won't work. Its not a good time to seek help from house cleaners due to covid. If you can think about it. It will be great relief. Find time to play with your kids and enjoy them. Time flies so fast. Make a list of your priorities and think how you can handle it easily. Just imagine that you are staying alone with kids, then how will you manageeverything. Do that.

    Be positive and happy, don't allow someone else to steal that from you. If you can, try to build intimacy in all levels that can help your relationship.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2020
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  4. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    I hate men who do this. Respect, understand "your wife" rather than compare and drool over what the other women do. Next time he talks about your SIL- please say that if you were a homemaker- he would have had a 3 different meals, laundry and iron clothes, clean house, and kids cared for.
    But instead, you bring him $$$$$ home, cook, clean, take care of kids is what he chose.
    Give him an ultimatum next time you hear SIL's name in the house. You will quit and do exactly what she does. Challenge him if that will make him STOP comparing, cussing, throwing a fit when things get hard.
     
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  5. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    I told him i do what she can not. I drive 1000miles, i shuttle my kids back and forth... can i shut him up ..no. Can i change his thinking, brain, or enlighten him no? He is going to stay same. All he see is how women in his own house -mother/SIL work hard and service their Hs and kids and cook 2 times. Are they keeping house clean no? Are they teaching their kids manners no?
    did MIL teach her boys some sense or ever spend time with them when as babies or worried about feeding healthy -no. They all lived on cookies as babies. She herself told me that.
    My SIL - is she keeping house clean no? But H sees only things she does and compares. Way she screams at her H,
    and about MIL whole house shakes. That he does not see. My BIL stays quiet. My H raises hell.
    At this point, i hate my H to the core and i am here only for my kids. I have to see their future.

    He attends meeting and i attend meetings. My kid cries makes poo, i attned to him. He does not. Even when meetings need my attention.
    My kid goes up stairs ( we can not have gate because of space) and sits in middle to look for me. He does not even care. This man does not deserve family and kids honestly.
     
  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    I assume you are in USA. IF you do not visa issues and working. Consider separation. people do not change. A few more years, you will be drained out and depressed. and he will coolly project it is you who is the source of the problem.

    this is not normal. most of the married men i know of , help with kids and in house during this covid. my H did and does. Only time he went into his cocoon and closed the room was in may 3 weeks , when he lost his contract and was super scared ( yes h1 and visa cancellation worries ) and preparing for new work. as we cannot relocate. that was only time, he did not do anything for anyone even asked food like a kid for him too.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2020
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  7. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    there is no point in hating him or anything. this is pure personality issue.
     
  8. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    can u take break from job or hire cleaning lady for few days? Everyone in u s is calling cleaning lady and picking food from restaurant now. Don’t take too much work on you otherwise u will go crazy.
     
  9. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes I have called cleaners now. Problem is - they take 4 hours and we will have to be out for 4 hours in patio and he is one who does not like anything other than his bed/couch-tv/chair for work or phone while mowing or doing dishes.

    Thing is with kids, house gets dirty quickly. It is not just about dirtiness. Kids toys on floor, clothes etc is also dirty for him. EIf you are living in a house, or cooking in kitchen it will get dirty right?
    He is the one eating at one place, never picks his plates till the end of day. Kids are kids. How would they know. It is their job to make mess but this man has personality issue.
    Our house is much cleaner than his house in india and kitchen specially with rats walking over food left open.
    I do all the basic necessary things.

    We also order from restaurant a lot, even though our friends are not but we do.

    When my son was born, i was always sleepless and tried to stay in my room so could get sleep...feeding every 2 hours and use to keep curtains down for sleep. My mother was usually with me. He said, you guys have made is graveyard, not going out etc. This is what he does now. Always in his room sleeping even on weekends. I see other dads biking with kids or playing in yard or atleast mowing with kids playing out.

    He does not do anything with kids,other than playing TV for them. Even my 1 yr old, he would put him in front of TV with all those youth/english songs and leave

    I have no visa issues but no family member here in US and not many friends also to confide in. So I have to plan and think. I worry about my older girl, I do not want her to be raised insecure or from broken house feeling.

    If I try to do many things, why do you do this? like kids shower is important right, why to do that everyday, spike 2 days...he says. if you think it is important you do it. you have lot of time you do it.
    If oyu do not do a thing, I do not do anything.
    What is women..she tries to be super woman. Do nt think you are a super woman. Out of 100 chores, she does not do 1, you do not anything.
    Then, when friends come over, suddenly, he blood pressure will calm down and he pretends to be coolest person on the earth.
    He just has to bully everything associated with me, my family, parents...and kids. And for his ego, he does not hesitate in harming kids also, like leaving them outside alone or my son on stairs.
    when we fight, my daughter suffers a lot because she gets lot of scolding from him and sometimes he pushes her get out of room .. he is just the man noone should every find by mistake also.
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    I am very sorry to see what you are going through. It is very sad.

    your intentions are noble to not split . i respect it. but at the same time, you have to take actions to reduce so much chaos in your life.

    I can suggest hire a full time resident nanny to help with kids. that will reduce a lot of pressure, if it ok with you. seems like your H is not going to change, i consider him a loser who has no reason to get married and make others miserable around him.
     

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