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My friend's married life...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by devotee, Oct 16, 2007.

  1. devotee

    devotee Senior IL'ite

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    Dear ILites,
    Seeking your advice for one of my friend who got married 4 months back... She recently joined her husband in US... She travelled to US last week... Its only one week and she says she wants to come back... The reasons...
    1. Her husband does not talk to her at all... He only responds to her when she talks... But he is not like this with others.. He mingles very well with his friends... She saw this when he had taken her out for a party... He talks very well on phone with his parents, sisters and friends..
    2. She tells she is not able to adjust with her husband... Her husband likes to do his own work... He washes his clothes separately... And sometimes he asks her not to cook and he himself cooks... So she feels that he is showing that he can manage everything by himself...
    3. She is on H4 visa and not working.. So she is at home the whole day and gets bored...
    4. Its the first time she is away from home and so missing everyone..
    5. He does not take her out anywhere... When she asks him, he says that he is tired after coming back from office...
    6. And on weekends also he spends most of the time with his friends away from house...
    7. She does not have any friends or relative close by and so feels very lonely
    I gave her few suggestions from my side.. I told her to tell her problems to her husband... She did the same... His response was that is the way he is and he cannot change himself...
    I asked her to have patience and everything will be alright... But she is getting very depressed day by day....
    I also told her to start going out alone to the shops, malls or parks nearby... She may meet some Indians and make friends... But she scared to go out alone in a new place...
    What should she do now? Please advise...

    -Devotee
     
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  2. balamotwani

    balamotwani Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Devotee,

    See first of all your friend is newly married and joined only 1 week back, so ask her to forget thinking of coming back and stop taking any hasty decision. You havent told how was he behaving when he got married? What happened in this 4 month- did they talk, email,chat.....? Any affair before marriage? Was he compelled to marry?

    See when you go newly to US or any country so there will be fresher party or like reception in various circles - office, neighbours, friends etc, so why dont she try to get some friends in this circle and keep regular contacts and also try to get more info on hubby. May be you should search for some indus ladies in US in the area where your friend is, so that she can help your friend.

    May be she should wash hs clothes before he comes back from office or in the night when he sleeps, may be she should cook for herself good food with good aroma and eat in front of him, may be some of his favourites to start with, by doing all this not giving him chance to do anything on his own. Initially there will be fights, arguements... But he will understand that your friend is Strong, caring, loving,...... By doing this they interact, they get to know each other. Ask her to send greetings, emails, sms to him and send flowers once in a while to his office. Even if he feels embarassed, he will be happy inside. Ask your friend never to give up.

    Just check - Is he coming home in correct time? Check his mobiles for messages, calls made and received - just to make sure no girlfriends.

    Some husbands are hard nut to crack. Ha ha.. So ask your friend to be patient and try to love him and care for him in such a way that he has got no other option to open up. I feel nowdays ladies are not very patient.:thumbsup
     
  3. devotee

    devotee Senior IL'ite

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    Hi balamotwani,
    Thank you so much for your reply....
    Yes, they were talking before ... though not very frequently... He is actually a far relative only... So dont think he is having an affair... She even asked him if he was forced for marriage... He said it was his own will and no one forced him...
    He comes home by 6 itself... But sits in front of TV/laptop once home...
    Only thing is he is not even a bit caring towards her...

    Anyways thank u so much for ur reply...
    Will convey this to her...

    -Devotee

     
  4. subbutr

    subbutr Senior IL'ite

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    We all indusfamily of friends wish her to come back to normal life by using her wisdom and her inlaws support.

    subbu
     
  5. sunikrishnan4u

    sunikrishnan4u New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am assuming that her husband must have been living alone for a good part of his adult life. So he is used to doing his own things and may be he is not used to caring about some one at home. He might not be used to being answerable to some ones questions, not being used to the presence of some one else who is so close, living with some one who is close, some one cooking for him doing his clothes etc. Its a good thing that he s not considering his wife as some one who is assigned to cook for him, do all his clothes etc. He must have been lived his life very independently both physically and emotionally. So I guess it will take time to come to the reality that some one else is also there to share his life, share his responsibilities, that its ok to get emotionally attached to some one. But I guess its also important from your friends part to make herself clear, voice her thoughts, show him what her stand is in everything. As earlier said in one reply, take thie time as an opportunity to learn more about him, what is his likes dislikes. More about his family, interact more with his family members, understand more about him thru them. Be more romantic, do candle lihgt dinners every now and then do some thing special for him, like when he come home, decorate herself and welcome him. Show him that she is happy to be around him etc..... Expressing herself is also important as I guess its will lead to huge frustrtaions other wise later. So if they happened to fight in the beginning its ok, after all its living with each other, where each of them had had 2 different lives in 2 different circumstances, 2 different idealogies etc

    So ask her to be a little more patient, more active and most importantly, to get more friends of her own interests, Move around, get a licence, first she will be afraid to go out alone, so try going out to apartment gym, taking couple of rounds of the apartment etc, then venture into the streets, putting the signal for walkng etc.... ask her to ask her husband is there any problem walking alone in the streets etc......

    Ask her to be brave and be confident that she can change her husband to be a more humane one.

    Regards
    Suni
     
  6. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Well this is typical problem of Indian arranged marriage. Where wife expects a magic spell and husband expects wife to take all the possible insensitive behaviour.

    Ask your frend to be smart and tactful. Her innocence and straightforwardness actually may hurt her marriage in long run.
    - Men often are selfish creatures by default, they need to be taught how to care for other and how you want them to love you.
    - She needs to realize that Indian gals are brought up in the way , that they will by deafult care and love their husbands. But indian guys are brought up to be not so caring.
    - She needs to just take it slow and try her bit. She needs to love her husband as she wud love a baby. I mean we give give and give care to baby. We dont expect them to care for us.. They just smile and we feel happy. Initially she needs to put in effort like that only. Slowly with time their relationship will grow and she will sense that he husband also is caring a bit if not much.
    - She needs to know that unlike parents , marriage needs to be built brick by brick , shred by shred.. No magic happens by exchanging garlands. One needs to create the magic everybody by small gestures , patience and faith.
    - She needs to find some good use for her spare time at home. Like she can take up whatever she is intrested in. Music, knitting, reading , Web-surfing. There are unlimited avenues for a willing person. There are public libraries , so many free course online. She can educate herself and be constructive with her time. That way her expectations from husband will not be huge. She will find herself occupied most of the time.
    I hope these ideas help a bit.

    Cheers,
    Ria
     
  7. devotee

    devotee Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Subbu, Suni and Ria,
    Thank you so much for the response....

    -Devotee
     
  8. cool100

    cool100 New IL'ite

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    Hi Devotee,

    you can tell your friend to use the laptop and avogate thro' chatting to her relatives or friends in India.

    There are so many sites to watch films or listen music so that she doesnt get bored at day time.

    She can talk to her mother-in-law to know what all he likes in food or dressing or how he expects a lady to be etc and she can follow them.

    Play nice songs when he returns home so that he can relax.

    Make his favourite snacks with good tea or coffee (even if he si not interested in having them place in front of him daily he will reject them one day or two days and from 3rd day onwards he will think to take them)

    have patience dont get worried by his behaviourt.

    see for Indians near by and talk to them.

    Keep on talking to him on all matters let hime listen or not by this he will be habituated to ur talking and stop talking to him suddenly I think this will make him think what made u dumb..................

    These are all vey easy to say but hard to practice but u please tell ur friend that when he talks to her like a husband how happy she will be...........

    She can even write a letter or little poems (romantic) and stick them in the restroom mirror.

    You can mail him what all u feel througout the day and tell him how u could have enjoyed if he was there with you.

    All the best and good luck.
     
  9. devotee

    devotee Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks cool100...

    -Devotee
     

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