My Father's Real Daughter Is His Daughter-in-law And Not Me Anymore, & Mom Never Liked Me From Birth

shubha1987 · Mar 5, 2017

1)My mom was actually very much interested in male child...After her marriage she did not have kids for more than 5 years....Later post visiting some temples and asking to God earnestly, she gave birth to me she was me we expecting girl would be born, after me post 4 yrs my brother was born, she used to tell my father when I was young that one day, when they were talking to each other I was just 5 years old kid, I overheard their discussion ,when dad said since we have only 2 kids, let us bring them well,give good edu action,job etc, but she interrupted saying that why do we need to care for her,once she grows young we would get her married, all dedication should be given to only our son, etc, I was seriously shocked hearing the second words from her. I also observed during my childhood days and during my school days, she used to always pressurise me to do all kitchen help, extensively and taunt me when u grow up , how will u manage things if u don't learn now, I agree I Shud learn but that was a very tender age ,she started creating tantrums with me, for every small mistake she complaints abt me to my father, she often used to bang the utensils making lot of noise, and used to blabber some scoldings in her mouth, and used to use the language that is used to reprimand to animals.

2)Moreover there used to be never any peace at home, my mom and dad used to constantly fight, because my dad had habit of watching blue films, he has to this day as well. So my mom used to get pissed off with that, and all the night ,days they used to fight. Despite all these odds I managed to complete my studies, and do my engineering, I took a decision like my BE classmates I shall go to Bangalore and make my identity working in companies

3)But she was dead against me doing job she wanted me to get married, my father supported me in going to Bangalore and working there, I used to come once in 4-5 months to my home, but my brother who is now also software engineer is working at Hyderabad, and he somehow started creating weird problems to my parents saying he is getting nightmares in Hyderabad when he is alone,Like he is feely very lonely in life, my dad took him to doctor and gave him some medicines, also doctor told him to get him married as he claimed be doctor also that he needs some partner in life, & to my dad also he asked 2 times to get him married, so my dad decided to get him married ,just bcoz I am elder they searched grooms for me, but my parents go only for local guys from Gulbarga(native) or nearby places, I couldn't get any proper guys meeting even minimum expectations like good qualification like BE or MCA or MTech etc & they were not do gud looking and having low salary, so due to that they got my brother married in may 2014. I attended my brother's marriage in may 2014, post that I went to Bangalore and started discussing on my work, I did not come for 2 yrs,only last year when I completed 4.5 yrs at HCl I came,resigning from as they asked me to join a project too far off, also 4 yrs I did not get hike from HCl, moreover my mom dad kept telling that I Shud visit them, as it's close to 2 yrs unbelievably long for any parents to stay away from daughter. So I returned only last November during Diwali Eve, when I came to my things have dramatically turned around for me..
4)Especially my dad who cared me very much more than my mom, he used to take me to tuitions even during engineering and supported me as his most favourite kid, now has started caring my brother's wife a lot, my mom anyways from the beginning was supporting ,caring, living only brother, as she was only interested to have make child, but now even my dad is telling that he has daughter like feelings even for my brother's wife. My mom who used to create tantrums if I used to get up late during my school days ,not helping her in kitchen things, who used to create gr8 quarrels with me saying I am fit for nothing and lazy bone, now has transformed her mindset completely towards that new girl. The girl is very lazy who gets up,11 am in morning ,she never helps my mom in anything, also shops a lot , everything what she sees as gud outfits in major online shopping sites liek Amazon,Snapdeal she orders online, she has almost 60 to 70 dresses ,she buys so many stuffs expending my brother's pockets ,never helps my mom in anything, & behaves as if she is queen & everyone Shud respect her, amidst that my mom has developed feelings for her as if she is her own daughter, the house atmosphere has become totally hostile like as though I belong to some different house, and I never belong to this house, and my brother & his wife are real owners of this house. In fact I never even is it my hometown less than every 4-5 months,but my brother visits every weekend on Friday,sat ,sub is off monday he goes to Hyderabad as Hyderabad is just 4 hours journey from my native. So even though I kept myself at bay for almost 9 years by staying at banglore, hardly I came once in 4-5 months and stayed only 3-4 weeks,and he comes every week due to which I expect I should be cared,loved more as I am rare visitor to my hometown, but now both my mom and dad have become one to care only my brother and his wife. My dad once even told if I have to stay in this house post March of this year I have to discuss this with my brother, his wife etc, which shocked me like hell, bcoz when he is father who has ompkete authority over this house, but still he asks me to consult with my mom,brother and his wife labelling them as equal owners of this house.

5)Also couple of times ,in some contexts, while just talking casually my mom told that just bcoz I am not married due to not getting proper guys, I need not tell anything against them(my brother ,his wife) or envy them, I felt shocked she thinks that way,why should I be envious, I get a salary which they both together don't earn, moreover I am jelous of my engg classmates who have settled abroad,and enjoying their life, my bothers job is at stakes now, his manager scolds him for not performing well, I am not SURE how far they will continue in career, as both my brother, his wife are very proud ,arrogant and industries don't like such people,so why should I be jealous of my brother and his wife, whose job is always shaky, even his wife was put in performance improvement plan in cognizant(manager gives some assignments to complete, if she doesn't complete as per expectations then she will be asked to resign from job),when she was pregnant, so she just put large number of maternit leaves & escaped that performance improvement plan, otherwise she would have been thrown out of cognizant. Even my brother is facing same issue now, don't know on what basis they both that is my mom& dad think I am jealous of my brother ,his wife, what is there to be jealous of, perhaps if they have married ,completed some 10 years, all independently, handled family,child,job then I should be jealous , but hardly it's been 2 yrs , and despite getting married they stay 4 days In My dad,mom's house 3 days at Hyderabad, & never lead their life independently, like small kids they depend on this heavyge also on my parents ,my brother, he purposely gets his wife every weekend to hometown as his wife is lazybone to cook and serve him dishes at hyderabad. So what is so special abt them to be jealous when they are not able to manage cooking, looking after one another, maintaining their jobs without being kicked out from company, it seems even if they are married, they behave like small kids, whose washing of cloths will happen in momdad's house ,ironing , serving them delicious dishes, booking their tickets for trains every weekend, providing them money when they both don't have ,everything is still done by my parents only. So why should I be jealous of such lazy bones, what is there in them to get attracted about, I feel like very funny when they say I am jealous of him & his wife. Also I never said her I LL not get married it's just that I am waiting to find right guy, as my parents are treating my bro and his wife like their own son and daughter, and have very little care,affection towards me now, is making me feel very depressed and demoralised. So I never came to my native ,only once in 5-6 months I used to come,post 2007 when I started working in Bangalore, because they feel that beyond a certain time or age if girl is not married ,due to any reasons she should not come to parents house, as being marriageble age she is bound to stay at husband's house. So they are treating me as though I don't have any entitlement by always calling my bro & his wife 5-6 times thru phone even though I am near them after 2 yrs, and giving all dishes served them 1st and if it remains they give to me, that is my mom, in nutshell she has lot of love form beginning only to my brother but now after his marriage & now a new kid baby boy is born to my brother, her love affection, pampering v has increased. I wonder that she used to create big tantrums when I was kid in schooldays, but now I don't know how all of a sudden such extreme love,care pampering as though she is her own daughter came suddenly despite she having quite opposite qualities of what is expected from any ideal daughter in law.

6)my sister in-law is very shopaholjic asking my brother to buy whatever she likes from Amazon,Flipkart,Snapdeal etc, and never helps my mom in cooking nor takes take of her when my moms health is upset. Post their marriage my mom's health has become very thin since she has to cook breakfast ,lunch,dinner all by herself, that girl never helps my mom in anything, and she just sits and eats, for costly items,dress's ,jewellery, she depends on my brother and for food she depends on my mom, my mom takes enough pressure from dad and brother ,they never eat what she prepares without naming it that's it lacks in something, they don't understand how she struggled all alone without his wife helping to cook or help her in anything. Everyone like dad,bro,SIL want different tastes & choices

7) I was unaware of how the whole family have unified all these days post his marriage as I was at Bangalore, but now have come to know that they love my brother more than me, what if my sister-in-law is younger they don't say her a single word to her even if she stays like a queen our house. All of them say she is younger so let her enjoy, without making her known & teaching her how to be a responsible sister-in-law. She doesn't even meet 5℅ of SIL responsibilities. I feel like some distant cousin girl has come to our home to enjoy, according to her whims and fancies,Never knowing her responsibilities.

8) my mom has told since she is gud by nature and manners,behaviour, , so she has been blessed with our home as her wedded house, as my parents think they are very generous in love,care, preparing dishes and serving to her like queen. And she doesn't know what kind of home I will get as destiny.

9) So I am now feeling why I am staying here and why I didn't get married long back ,so that I would have avoided to see all this drama.
They care her 10 times more than own parents. I never expected that my parents had intention of getting married me to some guy who likes me, my liking is never a choice they ask me, and I should bear with him, so that they can live a happy life with my brother. I thought I would not get better inlaws than my parents so had reservations, but now seeing all these worse things that even my dad along with mom is disrespecting ,not caring me I feel I did a mistake by not settling earlier. But just because they are treating me this way I cannot in haste marry a guy whom they fix, whom I may not like, I am left totally clueless as to how to get a permanent solution for this. Sometimes I think of buy one small flat of 1bhk at Bangalore, on that excuse I can own up all my fixed myself, since my dad can give my money to my brother & his wife as his love has amplified towards them.with that I need not pay monthly rent and avoid coming to this place and staying in that 1bhk I can start active partner hunt so that I can settle off completely there itself , probably this is last visit I am paying to my hometown here.

10) so taking a these background,and my light and grievances please advice me how to get a permanent solution to this problem that I am facing

maddysweet · Mar 6, 2017

Dear shubha1987,

I can understand it feels bad when you feel your parents dont value as they do your brother or his wife.
Your parents got your younger brother married and he also has a kid. You still single, you should put own efforts to find a good husband. coz its clear your parents dont care about you that much and might not find a good guy.

I read your entire story. One thing is clear, this is not new or something happened after your brother marriage. Your parents have the nature from the time you are a kid. and that is why you visit them after so long.
Now you know that they are having their own life with their son and daughter in law, they all get along well and living their own life. It is high time for you to move on with your life. Find a suitable partner and get married.

everyone have some or other problem. there are daughters like me who have great responsibilities from parents side, and even though have a good husband and kids , am not able to live my life peacefully due to the issues that goes in my parents house. i will be dragged to each and every small issue and onus is completely on me to resolve those. I have always dreamed where my mom dont look forward for my phone everyday, have her own life and be happy, my brother be happy with his wife and kids and dont expect us to come to India to help in any sort. My mom get along well with my sister in law and dont complaint to me about her.

Not only me, there are lot of daughters on his forum, where they have lot of responsibilities from mother, father and siblings. one of my friend is so worried, her mom always fights with son and daughter inlaw , like huge fights and she gets calls middle of night with complaints. she cant concentrate on her job, and ends up going to patch them up like every once in a month. This impacts her own life so much, her job gets impacted, her kids suffer due to constant travels and her husband just hates it.

You have that ideal situation, where your parents are happy with your brother. he has some job and having his life. Its good that your mom gets along with with your sister in law and dont expect you to come home.

You can concentrate on your career and make great progress. once you find a suitable life partner, he will be so happy that you are not spending much time on your parents etc...you and your husband kids will be your life.

for the silly talks of your parents, where they feel you are jealous you can just smile and ignore.
may be you are showing a expression on your face which reveals that you are not happy for your parents or brother. you are jealous on your sister in law who got the luxury of sleeping late etc. its your sister in law luck or fate what ever.
you should be happy that your parents are not alone. they are helping your brother and sister in law today, and when your parents need help in their old age may be your brother and sister in law will take care of them. if they dont, then at that point your parents themselves will realize. so leave it upto them.

You should not delay more or even wait for your parents to find you the right guy, and start looking for a good guy and also make some good friends.

shubha1987 said: ↑

1)My mom was actually very much interested in male child...After her marriage she did not have kids for more than 5 years....Later post visiting some temples and asking to God earnestly, she gave birth to me she was me we expecting girl would be born, after me post 4 yrs my brother was born, she used to tell my father when I was young that one day, when they were talking to each other I was just 5 years old kid, I overheard their discussion ,when dad said since we have only 2 kids, let us bring them well,give good edu action,job etc, but she interrupted saying that why do we need to care for her,once she grows young we would get her married, all dedication should be given to only our son, etc, I was seriously shocked hearing the second words from her. I also observed during my childhood days and during my school days, she used to always pressurise me to do all kitchen help, extensively and taunt me when u grow up , how will u manage things if u don't learn now, I agree I Shud learn but that was a very tender age ,she started creating tantrums with me, for every small mistake she complaints abt me to my father, she often used to bang the utensils making lot of noise, and used to blabber some scoldings in her mouth, and used to use the language that is used to reprimand to animals.

2)Moreover there used to be never any peace at home, my mom and dad used to constantly fight, because my dad had habit of watching blue films, he has to this day as well. So my mom used to get pissed off with that, and all the night ,days they used to fight. Despite all these odds I managed to complete my studies, and do my engineering, I took a decision like my BE classmates I shall go to Bangalore and make my identity working in companies

3)But she was dead against me doing job she wanted me to get married, my father supported me in going to Bangalore and working there, I used to come once in 4-5 months to my home, but my brother who is now also software engineer is working at Hyderabad, and he somehow started creating weird problems to my parents saying he is getting nightmares in Hyderabad when he is alone,Like he is feely very lonely in life, my dad took him to doctor and gave him some medicines, also doctor told him to get him married as he claimed be doctor also that he needs some partner in life, & to my dad also he asked 2 times to get him married, so my dad decided to get him married ,just bcoz I am elder they searched grooms for me, but my parents go only for local guys from Gulbarga(native) or nearby places, I couldn't get any proper guys meeting even minimum expectations like good qualification like BE or MCA or MTech etc & they were not do gud looking and having low salary, so due to that they got my brother married in may 2014. I attended my brother's marriage in may 2014, post that I went to Bangalore and started discussing on my work, I did not come for 2 yrs,only last year when I completed 4.5 yrs at HCl I came,resigning from as they asked me to join a project too far off, also 4 yrs I did not get hike from HCl, moreover my mom dad kept telling that I Shud visit them, as it's close to 2 yrs unbelievably long for any parents to stay away from daughter. So I returned only last November during Diwali Eve, when I came to my things have dramatically turned around for me..
4)Especially my dad who cared me very much more than my mom, he used to take me to tuitions even during engineering and supported me as his most favourite kid, now has started caring my brother's wife a lot, my mom anyways from the beginning was supporting ,caring, living only brother, as she was only interested to have make child, but now even my dad is telling that he has daughter like feelings even for my brother's wife. My mom who used to create tantrums if I used to get up late during my school days ,not helping her in kitchen things, who used to create gr8 quarrels with me saying I am fit for nothing and lazy bone, now has transformed her mindset completely towards that new girl. The girl is very lazy who gets up,11 am in morning ,she never helps my mom in anything, also shops a lot , everything what she sees as gud outfits in major online shopping sites liek Amazon,Snapdeal she orders online, she has almost 60 to 70 dresses ,she buys so many stuffs expending my brother's pockets ,never helps my mom in anything, & behaves as if she is queen & everyone Shud respect her, amidst that my mom has developed feelings for her as if she is her own daughter, the house atmosphere has become totally hostile like as though I belong to some different house, and I never belong to this house, and my brother & his wife are real owners of this house. In fact I never even is it my hometown less than every 4-5 months,but my brother visits every weekend on Friday,sat ,sub is off monday he goes to Hyderabad as Hyderabad is just 4 hours journey from my native. So even though I kept myself at bay for almost 9 years by staying at banglore, hardly I came once in 4-5 months and stayed only 3-4 weeks,and he comes every week due to which I expect I should be cared,loved more as I am rare visitor to my hometown, but now both my mom and dad have become one to care only my brother and his wife. My dad once even told if I have to stay in this house post March of this year I have to discuss this with my brother, his wife etc, which shocked me like hell, bcoz when he is father who has ompkete authority over this house, but still he asks me to consult with my mom,brother and his wife labelling them as equal owners of this house.

5)Also couple of times ,in some contexts, while just talking casually my mom told that just bcoz I am not married due to not getting proper guys, I need not tell anything against them(my brother ,his wife) or envy them, I felt shocked she thinks that way,why should I be envious, I get a salary which they both together don't earn, moreover I am jelous of my engg classmates who have settled abroad,and enjoying their life, my bothers job is at stakes now, his manager scolds him for not performing well, I am not SURE how far they will continue in career, as both my brother, his wife are very proud ,arrogant and industries don't like such people,so why should I be jealous of my brother and his wife, whose job is always shaky, even his wife was put in performance improvement plan in cognizant(manager gives some assignments to complete, if she doesn't complete as per expectations then she will be asked to resign from job),when she was pregnant, so she just put large number of maternit leaves & escaped that performance improvement plan, otherwise she would have been thrown out of cognizant. Even my brother is facing same issue now, don't know on what basis they both that is my mom& dad think I am jealous of my brother ,his wife, what is there to be jealous of, perhaps if they have married ,completed some 10 years, all independently, handled family,child,job then I should be jealous , but hardly it's been 2 yrs , and despite getting married they stay 4 days In My dad,mom's house 3 days at Hyderabad, & never lead their life independently, like small kids they depend on this heavyge also on my parents ,my brother, he purposely gets his wife every weekend to hometown as his wife is lazybone to cook and serve him dishes at hyderabad. So what is so special abt them to be jealous when they are not able to manage cooking, looking after one another, maintaining their jobs without being kicked out from company, it seems even if they are married, they behave like small kids, whose washing of cloths will happen in momdad's house ,ironing , serving them delicious dishes, booking their tickets for trains every weekend, providing them money when they both don't have ,everything is still done by my parents only. So why should I be jealous of such lazy bones, what is there in them to get attracted about, I feel like very funny when they say I am jealous of him & his wife. Also I never said her I LL not get married it's just that I am waiting to find right guy, as my parents are treating my bro and his wife like their own son and daughter, and have very little care,affection towards me now, is making me feel very depressed and demoralised. So I never came to my native ,only once in 5-6 months I used to come,post 2007 when I started working in Bangalore, because they feel that beyond a certain time or age if girl is not married ,due to any reasons she should not come to parents house, as being marriageble age she is bound to stay at husband's house. So they are treating me as though I don't have any entitlement by always calling my bro & his wife 5-6 times thru phone even though I am near them after 2 yrs, and giving all dishes served them 1st and if it remains they give to me, that is my mom, in nutshell she has lot of love form beginning only to my brother but now after his marriage & now a new kid baby boy is born to my brother, her love affection, pampering v has increased. I wonder that she used to create big tantrums when I was kid in schooldays, but now I don't know how all of a sudden such extreme love,care pampering as though she is her own daughter came suddenly despite she having quite opposite qualities of what is expected from any ideal daughter in law.

6)my sister in-law is very shopaholjic asking my brother to buy whatever she likes from Amazon,Flipkart,Snapdeal etc, and never helps my mom in cooking nor takes take of her when my moms health is upset. Post their marriage my mom's health has become very thin since she has to cook breakfast ,lunch,dinner all by herself, that girl never helps my mom in anything, and she just sits and eats, for costly items,dress's ,jewellery, she depends on my brother and for food she depends on my mom, my mom takes enough pressure from dad and brother ,they never eat what she prepares without naming it that's it lacks in something, they don't understand how she struggled all alone without his wife helping to cook or help her in anything. Everyone like dad,bro,SIL want different tastes & choices

7) I was unaware of how the whole family have unified all these days post his marriage as I was at Bangalore, but now have come to know that they love my brother more than me, what if my sister-in-law is younger they don't say her a single word to her even if she stays like a queen our house. All of them say she is younger so let her enjoy, without making her known & teaching her how to be a responsible sister-in-law. She doesn't even meet 5℅ of SIL responsibilities. I feel like some distant cousin girl has come to our home to enjoy, according to her whims and fancies,Never knowing her responsibilities.

8) my mom has told since she is gud by nature and manners,behaviour, , so she has been blessed with our home as her wedded house, as my parents think they are very generous in love,care, preparing dishes and serving to her like queen. And she doesn't know what kind of home I will get as destiny.

9) So I am now feeling why I am staying here and why I didn't get married long back ,so that I would have avoided to see all this drama.
They care her 10 times more than own parents. I never expected that my parents had intention of getting married me to some guy who likes me, my liking is never a choice they ask me, and I should bear with him, so that they can live a happy life with my brother. I thought I would not get better inlaws than my parents so had reservations, but now seeing all these worse things that even my dad along with mom is disrespecting ,not caring me I feel I did a mistake by not settling earlier. But just because they are treating me this way I cannot in haste marry a guy whom they fix, whom I may not like, I am left totally clueless as to how to get a permanent solution for this. Sometimes I think of buy one small flat of 1bhk at Bangalore, on that excuse I can own up all my fixed myself, since my dad can give my money to my brother & his wife as his love has amplified towards them.with that I need not pay monthly rent and avoid coming to this place and staying in that 1bhk I can start active partner hunt so that I can settle off completely there itself , probably this is last visit I am paying to my hometown here.

10) so taking a these background,and my light and grievances please advice me how to get a permanent solution to this problem that I am facing
Click to expand...

maddysweet · Mar 6, 2017

@shubha1987,

You wrote about your sister in law. how she is able to get away with her tantrums and laid back personality.
Did you ever ask your parents, you were so strict with me about house work and how come you dont ask anything with your daughter in law?.
when i was reading about the way you talked about your sister in law, reminded me of my own situation with my sister in law( husband's sister).
in my husbands family, the situation is opposite. my inlaws pamper their daughter and pin point behave bad with daughter in law( that is me).
I too had many sleep less nights thinking why i am getting treated so bad. i had fights with my husband and realized never gonna win the battle.

I had to let that feeling go at somepoint. Coz i didnt wanted to give my inlaws and husband the important to ruin my peace of mind.
Many relatives and people who know me and my sister in law, very well know am a good person and dont deserve to be looked down infront of her. and i myself know that. so why the hell should i care about how my inlaws pamper her or praise her.

I started ignoring those situations and focused on making my own life better.

GuideMe · Mar 7, 2017

OP, would you feel better if I say you are not alone? Because you are not. My story is similar, although not exact.

My mother wished for a boy, treats boys as if they are God, brags about people(totally unrelated to her) if they have a boy, but if she is giving news about someone delivering a girl, her voice will be somber. She treats my brother well, treats his wife even better. In most homes, even if son is first priority, DILs are not, in my case, after my brother got married, my SIL is higher priority than I am. Which means, I used to have to compete with my brother for affection and attention, now I have to compete both brother and his wife. do you see. No matter what, I am always on the last rung of the ladder. Since childhood, I had to take respnsibility. I grew up earlier than most kids my age. I sacrificed tiniest of my desires so my parents could live stressfree at least from my end, while my brother enjoyed his life. I defended them when someone criticized them, although i never got any defence when I needed them by my side. Even after marriage, inspite of having a typical Indian MIL, I did what I could to help them in every way. My heart used to ache for them. No matter what i felt, I used to call them just because they are my parents and they are growing old. But as soon as my SIL came through the door, I was thrown out. The day we returned from the wedding, my mother asked me to leave the home I grew up in and go to my husband's home, just because my SIL "may feel uncomfortabe" if I stayed there at night. Suddenly, her family consisted of herself, my father, her son and DIL. I became an outsider. But at the same time, when my brother fell ill, I went to care for him right after my own miscarriage, she said it was my duty. talk about double standards.

Now, coming to my father, he has treated me better than my mom, but he can't speak out. He cannot fight her and has given up. But even then, I at least had the assurance that he supported me but that changed too, after my SIL stepped into the home. Within Days! If he was talking about his daughter, he was talking about her. Not me.

So what did I do? I licked my wounds and movedd on. Have my wounds healed? NO! Are they healing? Yes. I am realizing that each one has their own life. Each one lives for themselves. Too much affection and love, even if it is for your parents, only hurts you. MY advice to you is that you must, too, move on. You are doing well professionally, now take steps to find a loving mate for yourself. Do not use marriage to escape your parents, because you may end up in worse situation. Take your time and choose a gem of a man to spend your life with. How people treat you, is their Karma, how you react is your's. Let it go and live your life.

Kera · Mar 7, 2017

Part of your story, I feel bad for you. The other part of your story I want to scream "grow up" to you. As others mentioned, desi parents are very bias to their son. You are not alone in that. You are not alone in feeling like 2nd class child, the unimportant one and you are not alone in being pressured to get married instead of study. But that was past, you survived those years. You should be grateful that you were not pressured to marry just anyone so that your brother can marry. You should be grateful that your parents allowed you to move for your career in a society where girls don't leave there home often. Despite all your hardship, you were the lucky once among average desi girls.

Now I don't want to be mean but you have not visited your parents very often. It has been 9 years where you prioritized your life over staying connected to your hometown/family. That is a very long time. People change, love changes, and life happens. Not just to you but to your parents. It is not fair to expect everything to stay same and wait for you. It is not fair to expect your parents to shower you with love when you never made time for them. Yes your brother might have crappy job, maybe he has never grown up but he gives your parents time. He is there every weekend. Why should they give more love to you because you choose to expand your career over visiting them. It is normal to feel like a stranger in your own home if you haven't visited that home in 2 years. I feel that way if I don't visit my parents in 2 months.

You can't change your parents love or your brothers behavior. What you can do is look at your own behavior and see how you can fix it. There are flaws in you (not giving your parents time while focusing on career), just as much as there is flaws in your parents (prioritizing son over daughter). But what is done. forgive your parents, don't look for flaws in your brother or SIL because of your parents fault. Your brother or his wife has not done anything wrong to you. It is just that your parents constantly compare you two. forgive your parents, be happy for the life your brother created for himself & go create the life you want for yourself.

chocolate · Mar 7, 2017

Op, I sympathize with you . At the same time, I am not new to this situation. My own grandmother is like this. But early on we learnt not to be emotionally dependent on her. My grandma brought us all up and we are grateful for that. Apart from that we now don't connect emotionally becoz my grandma worships the ground my aunts ( Uncle's wives) and hates us.We have accepted and exchange pleasantries when we meet. That's it.

You have been undergoing the same treatment from childhood and still think your parents will reform means you are living in a cloud. Come back to reality and think about your own life. Sometimes situations like this make us tuff and shape us. Your life is like women who live abroad away from parents. We have to find our inner strength everyday dealing with life and husbands.

First stop look for rentals away from parents. Move into a rental even if same city. Join some hobby class and make use of holidays instead of coming to your parents and getting ill treated.Start dating. Seeing how lax your parents about your marriage, I don't think they are interested in seeing you married . Rely on yourself and decide. Once everything is finalized tell your parents. Good Luck.

paru123 · Mar 7, 2017

OP, feel sorry for you.

Your parents are behaving bad. Typically after daughter's marriage, for some parents their daughter is a guest. That is bcos then an ideal family (for society) means spouse, son, dil and grandchildren till their last breath. Many don't like daughter's opinions/ suggestions as they see it as interference into their family life. Had they been seeking financial help from daughter then they wouldn't mind her interference/opinion/suggestions.

Your mom dad doesn't want to be abandoned by her son and family in old age that is why she is behaving opposite of what was preached to you.

Had you been visiting them frequently, you wouldn't have felt the isolation. Out of sight, out of mind. Now as someone suggested you should yourself find a good guy for marriage. You had opinions and preferences about your life partner, that's the reason your parents have stopped their hunt for you. Don't worry God will definitely give you a good life partner so that you never have to brood over your unloving unkind parents n brother.

Buying a flat is a good thing in my opinion. Atleast you would have something for yourself. Don't give any of your money to your parents when they treat you like this. If they want for food or health issues let them ask you.

Don't break all your contacts with them.visit them occasionally. Take them out to hotels, gift them on festivals and birthdays. Some changes from your end would also bring a change in their behaviour towards you.

SGBV · Mar 7, 2017

It is a complexed situation coupled with this Indian mentality, where male kids are always better than the female kids.
Your parents like your brother more than you, and want him to be their side no matter what.
Now that, they know it is easy to impress him by worshiping his wife. This way, both son and DIL will have no problem in staying with them.
You were a second citizen to them, and all they could do was to raise you up, educate, and feed you until you become independent. Now that, you can't expect more from them, that too in equal share compared to your bro or his wife.
Understand the reality and move on. You can't change them or make them accept their misbehavior.

But you can change... Change to someone who cares less about parents, and folks, but focus more on your future.
Save up for you, and secure a better job.
Find your own partner without waiting for your parents' permission.
Go on with your life, and find love with your own husband and kids, and break this chain of abuse by loving your DD as equally as your son in the future.

beautifullife30 · Mar 7, 2017

Hey OP,

The above posters have covered everything!

Its high time for you to move on! Please don't dwell on the hard and bad feelings. Let go of them and move to a different city and saving for your life.

Meanwhile please don't marry in haste. Wait for the good and the right guy and get married only when you like the guy. You do all the search and find the guy. Please don't rely on them for anything at all. Be thankful that they gave you good education which is you way forward.

Sending all the luck your way for a future filled with love and laughter!

shubha1987 · Mar 17, 2017

Hi all,

Thanks for your helpful and great inputs and suggestions. I strongly feel that they don't love me in any sense, it's always better I do things on my own, I take a house for myself within my budget & get married...They only love him from childhood. In my childhood they only loved him, now they love his wife , I was just a human where they gave me education & clothes, but lot of pampering, bringing all that he likes all that he wants was done only to him

Regards
Rashmi