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My equation with SIL- husband's sister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by cheenu123, Oct 23, 2015.

  1. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    I have an SIL who is older to me by 8-9 years. Me and DH have had serious marital problems, many a times, we were at the brink of separation, but every time we both sorted out our issues. My MIL has been very instrumental in creating rifts between me and DH and once when SIL visited us, she rebuked me for hours together for misbehaving with her mother. She even packed her bags to leave because on the morning of that day, I dint have breakfast with her as I had severe PMS. She took it as an insult and created a big drama once I left for work and in the evening, when I tried having a word with her, she gave me a piece of her mind for hours together. I listened to everything very patiently because I was newly wed at that time and my DH being a mute spectator, I failed to understand the dynamics of ideal relationship. I even said sorry to sort out everything. This SIL of mine has an SIL (her husband’s sister) who is so dominating that if my SIL doesn’t call her for a day or two, she creates a big drama. My SIL has tried applying the same equation with me as well but it never worked. Many a times, my DH and MIL have pressurized me into speaking with her as it is my DUTY. I have told them, sometimes politely, and sometimes point blank that I don’t want to be told about how frequently I should call my SIL, etc. My MIL says it is my moral responsibility to call SIL every now and then as she is older to me but I brush aside these old school of thoughts. My SIL is very arrogant and when me and DH had such serious issues, she never tried once approaching me when I was at parents. Rather, she always expected me to approach her. In addition, by god’s grace, I m now putting my energy into strengthening my relationship with my DH and he too seems to be aligned. I speak to SIL occasionally like on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. but I cant call her every other day however, my DH tells me after 4-5 days to speak to her. This has become a bone of contention. I never ever ask my DH to call my parents or siblings because one should never be forced to do such things. I think these kind of bonds and camaraderie develop over years and the gradual and natural it is, the better. What say?
     
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  2. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Nip this in the bud. You are on right track. Ignore what your hubby or in laws says about speaking everyday. Your SIL is a spoilt brat and taking out frustration of her SIL on you. You will set a tone for lifelong kissing up if you start doing it now. It wont stop from only calls. Slowly she will try to control everything in your life seeing how you succumbed to pressure to call her .

    My SIL is many many yrs older than me. She was in similar stage. Only she rules everybody in my in laws and her in laws . She does what she wants always. But wanted to control our lives . I gave in when I was newly married. But the straw that broke the camel's back was when she tried to break my marriage and showed me in bad light to my hubby. I nipped it then and now we barely say hello.

    If your SIL tries to walk out of your house. to make a scene . Let her. Don succumb . It will get old very soon.Good Luck.
     
  3. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    sils are like this I guess. as mine is also somewhat same.
    As she cannot rule her family she tries to do that here. some even more want to rule world. Do the things your way. soon it will be accepted. once you start walking their way they will expect nd force you to be like that which later will suffocate you. so do what you thnk is right.
     
  4. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Sometimes, we need to massage ego or do something we're not fully convinced of in order to save relationships. If this is the only issue and point of contention, then you can probably compromise for sometime. Your husband must have compromised on something to make things better
     
  5. ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    Never start compramising for sister in laws then you will end up in depression and mental stress..they will sit pn your head and will want to dance to her tunes..keep her away from your life ..
     
  6. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,

    Thanks for the reply. Yes, this is actually a major issue and I have decided to arrest this issue, rather than escaping and being affected by it. Yesterday, I called my SIL in front of my DH and told him that I will call your sister every Sunday so that you are also stress free and so am I. He was pleasantly surprised and happy with this idea. The SIL dint take my call and called back at night (after 12 hours) saying that she was busy and that she uses that particular number (on which I called) only for whatsapp and dint see my call. Everything happened in front of the DH so I dint have to say anything.
     
  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    dear OP,

    Dont make this mistake. Given the history you have detailed it is likely your h will forget everything about this incident except that she called you back. You have to point out the facts then and there in a matter of fact tone to drive home your point in a way that he also remembers. for eg, when she did not pick you should have said something to him for eg-- see I called and she didnt even pick up. And you fight with me about this so much. is this issue really worth so many arguments between you and me? ' or something like that. Same thing when she called back. You should point out she took her own time to call back in a calm resigned voice. Be consistent in pointing these out. It is not obvious to him.
     
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  8. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    I get your pont @1Sandhya, just that no matter how calmly I make my point, whenever it is directed against SIL/ MIL, my DH gets very uncomfortable and resigns to his silent mode which I hate.
     
  9. twinklingstar

    twinklingstar Gold IL'ite

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    i think op you are on right track...
    just keep it up and dont let it down.....good going.
     
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    But that is good! It means he is also unable to defend them! A few instances of this and he will slowly, grudgingly questioning their behavior and start to see the matter from your POV. But initially be consistent. Look it is the way you say it also. Dont say it in a combative way. Just mention it in a very matter-of-fact tone. You were expecting this all along and you are not surprised. Say it but dont pause or wait for his reply, in fact, dont even look at him after saying it. Just continue directly into another topic after making the observation. For eg, 'see she didnt even pick up my call. Anyway, (sigh in a resigned way) do you want coffee? I am making some?' blah blah' etc, etc... Just continue seamlessly into a different discussion.
     
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