My dh does not like making/keeping friends.....

How does your husband behave when he is very sick. Does he just quickly get over it and bounce back. How does he handle any hard situation in life ? He is always super cool as a cucumber. Have you ever seen him buckle under pressure. My husband was also very cold and callous when I was sick. He is very resilient. He made some nasty comments when I was recuperating from surgery and down with flu. Thought it was not in my nature to treat him the same way in a similar situation, I brought up the incidence and did the same thing back to him when he was sick and he got the message loud and clear. I told him if his career is all important to him then it would be the same for me. I gave up some very good opportunities for him but later realized that I should not sacrifice everything for family. Sometimes offense is a very good form of defense. But it is a two edged sword and it should be sparingly used. It helped me to get across the message to my husband loud and clear. Today he is a changed man. Make it clear to your husband that you seek emotional support from your friends because he was emotionally unavailable when you went through a miscarriage. Hammer the point in.

Kavya.

 

Dear,

Your DH is a little on the insensitive side.Take it with a pinch of salt.
Don't fret about it too much. You do what you want but don't force him into anything.
I know that men are incapable of providing emotional support during pregnancy and miscarriages.I have supported my friends a lot during these times.

Kavya

I really liked what you said about the "double edged sword" thing. It need to be used carefully as well.

FL.

 

dont get into any argument. he fails to realize or doesnt admit he is hurting the only people that matter to him. if he values his family so much then i think he can see how much damage he is doing to you mentally and that will inturn affect your health too.
tell him slowly and clearly or even email him - no negative or angry tone, that you are grateful that he doesnt give importance to anyone else but his family but he is unknowingly/unintentionally hurting you. he needs to understand the fact that you are bit sensitive and he needs to be careful in what he says. he cannot just go about saying harsh stuff you. if he has any concerns then he should tell it and only that and not say stuff like 'bend backwards for friends,blah blah blah'.....
tell him you understand he is point of view and it has its own advantages and you are like this and it has its own advantages. he needs to respect your personality and should not show faces or critize you when friends come home. you by nature have a helping tendency and that he should not bring you down though he doesnt like it. tell him, you will make sure your kids are not deprived of anything.
you come up with the amount of time you would spend entertaining your friends at home. like twice in a month or whatever and both of you agree on that.
you cannot change him and you cannot change, trick is to find a balance and respect each other's personalities.

 

So it seems to be his nature. It could also be because he has not faced any major crisis in his life. He is unable to see your need for emotional support. My DH is also like that. Even after a major accident I never saw him fret or fume. He adapted very well and bounced back very quickly. Maybe my DH does not feel the emotional support during sickness or maybe he camouflages it well. But he takes his career very seriously. If something was not going right in my career it affected him also a lot. He celebrated my successes and felt bad about my losses. That was when the realization dawned upon me that we place different priorities on different aspects. Our perspectives were different. Finally he also realized my issues and I got a little more insight into his behavior patterns.

In your case the problem here is the lack of acceptance. You have to impress upon your DH how you felt very let down when he did not offer you any emotional support during your miscarriage. If he brings up your closeness with friends then ask him why he is not able to offer to you what your friends offer to you. Emphasize upon him that you have accepted him the way as he is but you need emotional support hence you look to friends for it. If he feels if someone is using you then point out the incidents when you feel they went out of the way to be helpful. Go slow at first and then start going on the offensive only if is necessary. But be careful. Today the mantra in career development is networking. We have to keep networking. Man is a social animal.

Kavya.

 

hi friendinneed ,

my situation is very much similar to yours .
i like making friends and my dh is totally opposite ........ even with relatives .
even my inlaws were not very much interested in me talking to my friends .

but my priority is my family .... so i first consider what my dh likes and discuss with him everything beforehand and also take permission ... so that there is no misunderstanding ....
needless to say , my dh is also like that talks to me before doing things ..

so if he is not interested in one person i dont give much importance them .....
this attitude of his used to annoy me in the beginning ,but now 3 yrs after marriage i have got used to his way of thinking .
this doesnt mean that i dont have friends ....... i have friends , but only to me and dont involve them with my dh or family too much

every person is different ...... so first learn to respect your partner .
how would it be if he gets his friends almost everyday to your house just because he likes all this ......... definitely you would oppose . i dont mean you do that .... but for him it may be like that as he is brought up in such an environment .

so if he is like that , let him be . give him his space .
try to adjust before its too late .........

and the idea of asking your friends dh to leave the kids at your home without asking your dh and inspite of knowing your husband's nature .........is really WRONG .

 

Hi
My husband is exactly like yours. Very insensitive and emotionally shut. He hates me sharing things with friends and when I try to share anything with him, he is all uninterested and sometimes uses that information to attack me. So in a nutshell, i should not have friends and he will not be a friend too. So I should be like a monk like him, swallowing all my feelings and living happily.

Sometimes he hates me talking and planning parties with friends that he cancels things out of spite and we all sit at home doing nothing.

These people never change. My husband talks like he did a great sacrifice by coming to the potlucks where we actually have so much fun. One thing I did was reduce my phone talks and parties a great deal. Now we watch movies and go to gym a lot as a family.

Also try to make him part of the plan by asking his suggestions etc.

When someone has strong feelings against something, its good to reduce it considerably so that there is no animosity. Since your DH feels very strongly about you having friends and going out of your way. You have to reduce to make some peace in your marriage.

Just tell him that this time u will watch your friends kids, but hereafter you are going to giving full attention to your kids and your dh only. Reverse the role and get a perspective. what if he is really really close with his friends and spends quality time with them than his family. How will u react ?

 

Maybe he has a valid concern here? Since you also say he is the one who apologizes after every fight, he doesn't seem totally unreasonable to me. I am going to have to second Tugga here. Your first priority is your family's comfort. Now that doesn't mean you severe all ties with your friends, but you just need to figure a way to maintain your friendship while at the same time not making your husband uncomfortable.

As I understand it, this is the only reason you fight over. I think if you just accept it as his nature and move on, this only reason for your fights will also vanish Really, if your husband is an introvert, you just have to let him be. You cannot change him, the same way that you cannot change yourself. If your husband is not comfortable hosting guests for lunch/ dinner, find ways to treat them to lunch someplace out. Or maybe invite them over when your husband is away? Try to maintain some kind of boundary between your friends and your family life.

Ofocurse, his emotional unavailability is a more serious issue. Now thats something you need to clearly talk over and sort out with him. Good luck!

 

Take it easy, girl!
As this is the only issue that crops up now and then, accept it as his nature and move on. you can always schedule your time with friends in such a way it does not affect his alone time.
My DH is not an introvert per say. But he likes the house to himself on weekends and holidays pretty much, except if it is a party for our common close knit friends. So I workaround my get-togethers with my kid's friends/moms around a different non-interfering time. I make sure all playdates (usually moms will lurk around even if it is playdate for kids..) wind up by the time he comes home so we have some family time together.

You have been sticking to this for what 3 yrs.. time to go easy dear..