My Anger is my Enemy

My husband is a very kind hearted, positive oriented and extremely caring person. He gives me all the freedom in the world to do anything I want.
I am generally very happy go lucky kind of a person. People love me for my positive outlook on life and how I am always happy and care about others except when it comes to my husband who I love the most in my life.
I grew up more than half of my life in United States and he is purely Indian. I would call myself half 60% Indian and 40% American Due to this main personality difference, we had many fights in the beginning. I used to expect a romantic type husband who would treat the wife as a princess, hold a special place for me and he used to expect a traditional Indian wife who would sacrifice everything for husband and go over and beyond. Since the day of our marriage, we came to notice our differences & didn’t really have great beginning during the first few years. Our intimate life was zero and still zero and it’s been 6.5 yrs we have been married. I was longing to have kids from the past 2 yrs, felt very depressed and stressed due to no intimacy life but have now started to accept my life the way it is.
On the positive front, we have more understanding of each other now, accept each other’s differences. I changed for him and don’t have outrageous expectations from him that he would bring me flowers, treat me any special and at the same time, he came out of his thinking like a traditional chauvinistic Indian man. However, somewhere along the whole journey, I have an extreme feeling of anger and resentment and not able to forgive him sometimes.
When he is not there, I think about him (while going to work) how caring he is, how positive he is and how he resolves our issues in such a logical manner. But when I am with him, I am completely a different person, all the expectations start building. I behave very angry with him for silly reasons and I snap for very silly reasons. I realize it that I am acting weird but not able to control it. In my heart, I love him, when I am away from him, I love him and always think about him, but when I am with him, my expectations build up and I am extremely angry with him. I feel guilty when I am with him. My confidence level is at the bottom when I am with him, everything I do, I feel guilty. Lately, I am feeling guilty about everything. If subzi didn’t come out tasty, I am feeling guilty, if the house is little messy, I feel guilty, when I talk to him, I feel extremely angry. My anger is resulting in behaving very irrationally with him. Today is my 31[SUP]st[/SUP] birthday and early in the morning, he hugged and wished me happy birthday. I was cooking in the morning before going to work. I picked up a fight as to why he is sitting infront of TV and not spending time with me in the kitchen while I am cooking and talk to me. I don’t know why I picked up that fight. My brain is telling me my behavior is very irrational and yet still get angry and pick up a fight. His mood got ruined, then I felt extremely guilty, felt down most of my morning and said sorry to him million times. Such incidents are happening quite a lot lately.
Any suggestions are welcome, I want to make my life and my husband’s life better and I feel like my anger is testing his patience level and one day he would decide to leave me. Please help, my anger is my enemy.

 

I am spiritual, very spiritual. I always listening to spiritual speeches by Brahma Kumaris/Ravi Shankar etc. I am able to apply these at every aspect of my life - parents, friends, office, in-laws, people in general.. People praise me for my personality, care free, positive, smiling all the time and resolving people's issues and not taking anything to heart. May be thats where i got the strength to accept my situation of not having an intimate life and not having kids. When people ask me about kids, it doesnt bother me anymore. I accepted it. Yet i love him. But at the same time, hate him and have anger towards him. Feel down when i am with him. I am 100% opposite personality when I am with him. I feel guilty about everything when I am with him. Dont know what to do.

 

thank you Rihana

 

Thank you Adinil