Moving On..is It Really Possible?

I live abroad and the in-laws are here for a short visit. Over the years, my issues with MIL's behavior have made me take the approach of "Least Contact". I dont call her, she doesnt call me, but there is no open hostility. We have never had a public showdown or argument. She avoids me, I avoid her.

It's easy to avoid her when they are in india, but when they are here for a visit - it makes things a bit tricky. I do the cooking early in the morning, before she comes to the kitchen. And I quietly vacate the kitchen as soon as she is around and retreat to my room or office. The house has enough space where we can live with minimum interaction and honestly, I don't mind that. She has made no efforts to come talk to me beyond the daily customaries either .

Then what is the problem, you ask?

Recently, she fell sick. Nothing major, just a fever and cough. My usual role in every relationship is that of a care giver. Meaning, if my friends /parents or sisters have a problem , instinctively I switch to the caregiver mode. I make food for them, I pamper them, call them if they are not near me and check on them etc. etc. With MIL, I have found myself not being able to instinctively switch over to caring. She is in my home , so I do the formal DIL check on her "are you ok? is the fever down?" etc.

But when I hear her coughing , I feel nothing.
I don't want to go running and see if she needs anything.
I don't even want to touch her to feel her temperature.
I honestly don't care if she feels better other than the worry that her departure may be delayed if she becomes too sick to travel.

In addition to this, its also triggering me big time. I'm constantly reminded of how she mistreated me when I was down during my pregnancies, hospitalized and unable to function. She chose to kick me down with mean comments, created rifts between me and my H and even behaved horribly to my parents.

Over the years, she has never checked on me or called me if she heard I was sick. Her question usually is (to my H) "oh, is she sick? Then who will cook for you?".

While I thought I had moved on and lowered my expectations out of her, I am surprised at how much bitterness this is bringing out in me. While I don't wish any illness or suffering upon her, every time I see her "moping around " (she is an Oscar level actress) , I want to physically just tackle her and ask her "NOW do you understand how it feels when someone is mean to you when you are sick?".

I have undergone therapy, I wrote imaginary letters to her and did multiple CBT sessions to overcome my mental issues caused by her and honestly thought I was over the bitterness i carried for her. Apparently not.

So am I a terrible human being? Should I be consciously making an effort to care for her?

 

Yep! Hard-won is the key word here. Totally.

 

Thanks! I think we all are conditioned over generations that somehow we are bad human beings if we have boundaries , especially with the in-laws. I guess I have more work to do to stay on track for my mental health.

 

You hit the nail on the head! I dont think I have ever "not cared" about anyone as much as I have about my MIL , that it feels so out of sorts to me. Thanks for the re-affirmation. I feel so much better!