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Mother's health or Marriage

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by icyspicy, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    I am an only child and been married for 1 year .During this year me and my husband had huge porblems cos of my mil and were separated for 2 months becos of husbands and mils will.After 2 months he took me back promising he wont repeat his mistake and will keep me happy.It been over 2 months now but still our situation is the same there is only 1% improvement in our relationship only cos mil is not here otherwise she will be returning bak to uae permanently in 1 monhts from now.
    My husband sends 3/4 of his salary to india cos now after the problem my mil is asking more money from dh and for property work in india so whenever i require things for myself or for house eg:furniture ,car service he says he does not have money,v only spend for house food thts all,he didnt give me eidi also cos he took it bak saying he does not have enuff money in his bank,before he used to show me his transaction slips but now he throws them away without showing me,i have tried so many times in many different ways lovingly,emotionally etc to discuss matter with him but no use.He simply says "i a not comfortable to discuss this with u".
    It hurts me to realise tht i am not being treated as a part of his family and not even a part of his life,now my mother has cataract surgery tomorrow,she has to be on bed rest for 1 week and shld not go to kitchen for abt 2 weeks,i have to go and take care of her,i dont know how to manage my cooking for my dh and mom at the same time,i have to stay at my parents place fro abt 2 weeks atleast ,how and what shld i tell my husband ,will this affect our marriage,what should i do in cooking,and taking care ,can my husband stay with my paretns ,wot if he does not agree how should i deal with this situation please guide me in this
     
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  2. sricharani

    sricharani Senior IL'ite

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    First of all you can tell your hubby abt your mother's health condition and ask his suggestion whether you could go and take care of her for 2 or 3 weeks. Since your hubby is not easy goer type as written in your mail put it in such a way that you are asking his permission to go and stay with your mom. If he agrees fine, otherwise you could as well go and compromise with him later. After all it's your mother's health and I am sure any guy would understand this.
    Regarding your finance problem you need to be patient as you are only 1 year married. Some times it takes time to get into mutual trust with one another. And also I think because of his mother's influence he is not trusting you. You could try to work out things in a patient way. Dont ask him money for common house things like furnishing, car service etc...Since he is also equally responsible let him realise that things need to be done for this house. Meanwhile if possible you can look out for a job, part time or full time if this is mutually agreeable. This way you can have your own financial independance. Be patient for some more time say 1 year or so, things will improve on its own. Meanwhile try to build good relationship with your mil when she is with you. I know it is hard but with time change will come... Once you get a kid, everything will change automatically. this is just a turbulant phase of your life. dont worry. good luck.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    if your moms place is near by ask him to adjust at your parents house for few weeks till your mom is back to normal
    cmon dont think about what your dh thinks
    its your duty as daughter to take care of parents when they need you
    and parents never expect us to do something and in lifetime hardly we get an oppurtunity to help parents so please make sure you full fill your duty
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    This is what I would do....

    -make enough food so he will have left overs for a few days
    -leave couple of take-out menues for some nearby restaurant that delivers
    -stock the kitchen with everything he'll need to make his OWN dinner

    It's not like your leaving a helpless baby to fend for themself. There are lots of men who survive on their own. :bonk

    As for the 'taking care' part.... is he wounded, very ill, disabled, or confined to a wheel chair? If not, I don't understand how you think he needs in-home care 24/7. He CAN survive without you for two weeks, it's just a matter of whether he'll do it without causing a scene.

    In your post you said "parents", so I'm assuming your dad is still alive too. If that's the case and he is able to AND you live close by, on the weekend you can go home to dh and your dad can care and cook for your mom, and then you can return next week. Or if your dad can manage it, you go there for the first week and he can do things the second week. Or if none of that is possible, just explain to your dh why you need to be there for the whole two weeks.

    I think you're jumping to conclusions. Don't get worried about something that hasn't even happened yet! Ask him and see what he says. If he says 'no' for whatever weird reason, then come back and review the suggestions the ladies here have given.

    Good luck!
     
  5. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for ur replies...i really appreciate them!...i have 2 more concerns...my mil is now in india which v me and dh have a lil smooth life by gods grace...once she is bak she starts interfering in my daily routine...now for 2 months she only left and wanted me to take care of cooking and house ...once she returns she will start cooking and make me her asssitant...how will i get my dh to eat the food i cook then?my dh thinks "who care if whoever cooks"...so in tht case shld i cook or let my mil do the full cooking...she also directs me wot to cook for dhs next day lunch thou my dh wants sumthing different...even if i ask my dh my mil says no cook this he will not eat tht...how shld i deal with it..i get so irritated with her....
    Also...my dh has planned to delay having kids for 6 months...he wants us to settle down 1st but i dont know tht gonna happen cos there is no improvement in our reltaionship yet...i want to get pregnanat in 2-3 months but he dosent want .....wot shld i do?
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    icyspicy,

    Are you not trying for a job?If you wanted to get pregenet then anyhow you need help in coocking those things.Initial months are difficult and you won't able to take the food smell.So again you may need to depend on your MIL.

    So don't worry about MIL cooking in the house.best thing look for the job ,that's how you will have your freedom and MIL will have her freedom.

    If you like to cook something for your husband,tell Maaji,I would like to prepare today for my husband.That's it.

    Again for the kids,it should be based on both interest,not just you.The more you hate your MIL the more you feel frustated in this relation.Try to be reasonable with her.If you start liking her then you may see good side of her.Don't get possesive over your husband.Which leads to unhappiness and all health related issues.
     
  7. crossiants

    crossiants Senior IL'ite

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    dont hurry for pregnanc dear friend,until and unless your married life is secured dont opt for pregnancy.the poor child will have to suffer.i hope i am not hurtimg your feelings about pregnancy u seem to be very depirate for getting pregnant of course thats all womens dreams but for now u married life is at risk.u can still wait for some other ilites suggestions.
     
  8. sricharani

    sricharani Senior IL'ite

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    If my MIL ever insist on cooking ( which ofcourse she has never made).. I would be more than happy to let her do it and save myself the evryday hassle of cooking... Take it on the positive side that atleast you dont need to do things by yourself all day.
    After sometime she herself will hand it over to you since she will also be tired and bored after sometime. These are small compromises which will bring you lot of peace of mind , just let go of the " I WILL COOK FOR MY HUSBAND" sentiments.... End of the day what you need is a good relationship with the people you are living with..
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Let MIL cook whenever she wishes.
    Ur priority shud be to get into a job & hire maids... my MIL also wanted me always as an assistant... with she doing final touches & telling everybody that she did it.

    I took it as long as possible. .then hired a maid & only I pay her.. and any job that I dint find worthy to me.. would pass it to maid.. eg: chopping of veg.. drying & picking up clothes.
    To this also she had excuses & used to direct maid to do some other work & would still assign some more work to me.. she really cant tolerate me lying down even for 10 mins.. even if I'd commuted for 3 hrs & toiled at office for 8 or more hrs.

    I kept hiring more n more ppl.. till the house became chaotic & everyone realised the unrealstic motives behind the MIL & DIL... now she leaves the house on pretext of walk or being in the garden.. when i return from work in eve & returns only 1/2 hr which gives me momentary peace & rest for 10 mins & now we have reduced to only 2 helps.
     
  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    how and what shld i tell my husband ,will this affect our marriage,what should i do in cooking,and taking care ,can my husband stay with my paretns ,wot if he does not agree how should i deal with this situation please guide me in this .

    Icyspicy, Even before jumping into tackling the present situation, I will suggest you need to "Assert your position ".Be it your position in your in laws house or in your husband's life. I do feel your comeback to your husband's life is more in lines of not wanting to break a relationship rather than remorse. Atleast it looks like that from your husband's side.Forgive me if I am wrong. But I do see that nowhere you mentioned your husband is making any effort to work on the relationship.

    That being said I feel you need to buckle up and think with a clear mind. What is your priority now? Is your mom alone and will need your care one on one. If yes go ahead. Have your husband eat there in your parents place or have some frozen food for him.

    once she returns she will start cooking and make me her asssitant

    Why !!. The same thing I wud like to repeat here. Assert your rights. Tell her u can cook by yourself or leave the kitchen when she makes u do anything. In case your husband tells u to adjust walk out and tell him you see no improvement after separation.You also mentioned you dont see any change in his behaviour.This time dont involve anybody else and tackle your husband one on one.Tell him you want to be treated better and wont take it lying down. Lay some ground rules. This time stick to it.


    she also directs me wot to cook for dhs next day lunch thou my dh wants sumthing different...

    Tell your husband you will cook one time and let your mil do others.Tell it in a firm way. Also mention you expected some changes after the separation and see none.Insist you want some freedom to do a few things in the house.That will be a trail test for your husband. If he passes then he is serious about reconciling.If not it was not a real reconciling. Sorry for that again.

    .i want to get pregnanat in 2-3 months.

    In honest words, A baby here wud be a very bad idea.You are still not valued as a member of the family and you want to go ahead and add another person.Dont do it. You will be doing both the baby and yourself a favor. You also mentioned there is no improvement in your relationship . Then a baby in this setup will only add to more stress.
    Mind you having baby doesnt fix a marriage like many people advice. It doesnt work always.If we go with having babies to fix marriages, then the baby becomes a burden to a single parent when the marriage is driven to divorce by long unresolved issues or a burden on a marriage with two people who have drifted apart but are carrying on with the marriage for the kid.Both of these situations are definitely not a good example for kids. Think closely and come to a decision. Good Luck.
     

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