motherinlaw and sisterinlaw breaking my marriage

I wonder how the reverse makes sense as well! When a DIL posts here about her problems, how does it make sense to tell her, "Oh dont worry, all PILs are like this"! Is that offering solace? Being glad, that other people are also in deep s**t as you are?

 

It is not about telling someone that you are also in the same boat like others(who have bad PILs).But it is telling them that a lot of people face a similar kind of situation but still manage to survive or lead a life.

BTW, I have only heard of cases where the DILs are burnt or commit suicide due to PILs and Husband but is is not the other way around.The DIL has to face atrocity against a gang generally.

I think people have to remember that when the DIL faces hurdles she has to face it alone in the PILs house where the MIL,FIL,SIL and hubby who are already comfortable in their house turn against the DIL who is new to the house.And hubby being a mute spectator or gang with his mother and co.

This happenns at a large extent and we cannot deny this fact and bury the problem under the carpet that "All PILs are not bad".We should seek a solution to the problem rather than burrying it.

A lot of us want to see a change from grass root level.We as a society have a lot of inequality and these should definitely be addressed.None of us are saying "throw away your ILs" or "Do not compromise" or "You need to be stiff".Most of the posters here come after trying various possible things.What would a lady do when the MIL shows her hubby's Ex's photo or when the SIL/MIL sleeps inbetween the hubby and wife?PILs,hubby think they have every right to take the DILs family for a ride .I think the basic humanity and respect is missing here.

How many of your hubby gives respect to your parents the way you give respect to your ILs?As a society we encourage "Son-in -law the great" kind of behaviour.And how many mothers or fathers of hubbies tell them he has to adjust with his In-laws or respect them(or even treat the as human beings).

Compromise,adjustment and respect should be mutual instead of telling one person to undergo all the pain.

 

Oh really?? Are bad PIL like cancer? That the victim should be shown success stories to say, life goes on? C'mon, gimme something better than that!

I dont deny such kind of atrocities dont happen! Yes it does happen, and yes frankly speaking, I have not heard any MIL burnt alive story. So I do agree with you.

Bhuvnidhi, thanks for making my work simpler! This is what I want to say to all people who claim, "My DH is bestest and in-laws worstest"!

How can a mute H be the diamond among the in-law thorns? Fix your H first, bcos you are married to him (technically), and not to anyone else!

Bhuvnidhi, a person who can find an Indian woman's website, go online and post her problems anonymously and get suggestions is ' no damsel in distress'! Its just that such women need some motivation from 'unbiased forum of women', and wants to fix her issues! I do believe that India is changing, and women have every damn thing backing them (law, education, financial freedom, family)! When you have all these, and you CANT act, either resign to your fate, or be open to take negative comments as well as positive from IL!

 

Well , SSC , You have totally misunderstood here.I never say in any of my post "DH bestest and In-laws worst".And I hate people saying "My hubby is innocent and In-laws make my life miserable".It is for a simple reason that I believe if the hubby knows to balance between his mom and wife a lot of problems will be resolved.It is just that the man chooses to sideline with the one who satisfies his selfish needs.

To an extent , YES AND YES!

I would leave the other comments as your opinion as much as I have put across mine.And who says people cannot take negative comments.Just because one person does not agree with the other does not mean she is not able to take the comments.I think you have again misunderstood people here.It is just that some take it personally and go on trying to make the other one accept what they are trying to say instead of leaving at that point.

 

Mils burning Dil is old news. I recently came across a case where my friend's doctor SIL (her doctor brother's wife), sent few rowdies to have her mil beaten up. I know the pains my friend's family had to go through because of this highly 'victimized' Dil. Indian society is changing for sure and is not what was stereotyped ten or twenty years ago when a under-educated, hapless Dil would be married to a family (gang) of crooks, and then Dil is subjected to unimaginable atrocities. Things are much different these days, with dils more educated and working. However, if one just spends all the time on the net and doesn't go out and see the actual cases, will never know what's going on. Until then we'd just like to keep crying foul about how all in-laws are wicked monsters.

 

Can it get more ironical?? Somebody is here talking about "actual cases" !!! And that same person is trying to compare some instance of a DIL getting her MIL beaten....with multitudes of cases of harassment/dowry/burning of women calling it 'old news'. Can you count the numbers and even compare?? and he comes among a lot of women...who have experienced the "actual cases' first hand...and implies that they all have been hallucinating...he doesn't bother to match the cases of the numbers of women harassment, but is very positive that this case of DIL getting her MIL beaten....is strong enough to beat the entire power of numbers?? To beautify his argument, he calls his argument coming from "Actual cases".....oh yes one random misplaced phrase really can nullify what so many of us have faced and are facing!

My in-laws are not considered monsters in society, they are nice, good people. But then WHY these nice people thought it was okay to not be so nice with me? Why did they take away EVERYTHING my dad gave for my expenses?? I had to work illegally in the US for 2 years to collect the same amount of money to meet my expenses of education etc!! What right did they have on what belonged to me?? They are nice people...society calls them nice.......what did these nice people think they had done for me....to expect me to be a factory of service and supplies for them? I am not alone, they are women who deal with unfair expectations of in-laws !

I will out-rightly say that in case of DIL..PIL differences....the chance of fault would, in a LOT of cases, lie with in-laws. What have they done for the girl that they expect a one way traffic of supplies/money/service/humility?? When the girl comes to PIL...she does not expect them to day and night serve her......its PIL who carry expectations that a woman for whom they have done nothing, ......will not let logic and unfairness of it all affect her mind...and will humbly fulfill their single sided expectations!!

Its the PILs who have expectations ...not the DIL!!

How can a relationship between healthy adults (I refuse to consider people in their 50s and mid 60s as incapable..I have seen far too many independent, and capable people in this age group!!) as give, give, give and give..!!...But thats what is expected from the in-laws side ..."The DIL is SUPPOSED to do this for us...that for us...everything for us"..When would PILs think what have they done for the DIL to expect and only expect from her??

And if you think that she OWES it to people who have raised her husband. By sheer logic....the debt will anyday be many, many more times towards her parents, who have directly raised HER!! If she is supposed to pay back the debt...why will she not choose to offer her service, labor and time to her own parents instead.........once she has paid off her parents...only then she should be made to work for her in-laws...isn't it???

Enough of traditions......its time to evaluate fairness of expectations...and if it remains unfair.....women will and should express the unfairness they feel in the system.

Oh yeah...some people would argue that PILs leave their inheritence to be used by DIL and son afetr they die !! Trust me, the DILs who have an eye on their PILs money.........rarely would complain!! A lot of women who are angry, would be happy if they get no inheritance.....but fairness of the system!
A lot of the women who are angry and frustrated...are going through a genuine unfairness of the system. and its ok to call it unfair if your heart and mind says so...we can't be computer generated tradition following machines who have no brains or feelings of our own!

 

Since you asked, Yes. May be worse. While cancer kills the body, bad PILs kill your soul. With cancer you still have hope of cure, bad PILs have no cure. You cannot die, you cannot live. You just have to survive with no joy and no hope. But I am sure only people suffering form bad ILs would understand this.

 

Reflection: By actual cases i meant real life encounters one sees with naked eyes. Not just the one sided stories what one reads on the Internet and papers and gets all hyper.
I don't know where you got this idea that you need to 'owe' it to pils? Giving respect is much different from owing. I've seen that many people really don't understand the word 'respect' and assume that its going under or something cheap like that.I think you just vindicated what I wrote about dils not knowing the meaning of basic 'respect'. From your posts, you hardly come across as someone who loves 'giving'. And you expect your case where you were 'brutally manipulated and victimzed' to be treated as actual statistic?Sorry, I cannot. And moreover, this is a great place to continue bashing pils isn't it? I hardly see any cancerous pils here, defending themselves. It's just the 'dhoodh ki dhuli' dils who keep going on. Good luck with your endeavors.

 

How many women just start bashing their PILs the moment they get the first glimpse of them. They complain AFTER they have felt a threshold amount of stress of one sided expectations. I haven't seen even one..and yes, even one set of PIL who think that its not ok to keep a list of expectations from the DIL !! Some keep a longer list, while the nicer ones keep a shorter list....and the "respect" in that list is defined by some kind of measurable service!!...and this is ACTUAL...100% result in the complete sample size..directly seen from eyes!!

so don't tell me that expectations are not there...its NEVER just respect (please probe the parents in law their yardstick of what they consider respect.....it will ALWAYS be some form of measurable effort/ work/service/or tangible things they expect from a girl, for whom they have actually done nothing...a girl who is busy with the struggles of her own life ...struggles of starting a new life)

And when these expectations are beyond the girl's reasoning......and she feels the pressure she gets angry and hurt. The people who have little understanding of where this anger stems form, will call it 'rant' and put the blame on these girls for not being 'respectful' enough (the definitions of "respect" remain dynamic....earlier "respect type 1" would be about "fulfilling their demands of services"...now "respect type 2" would be why is she angry about our demands of earlier "respect type 1"!! So the girl has become "disrespectful"...while doodh ke dhule PILs remain starved of respect type 1 & 2...duhh!! )

Good luck to you for even understanding the real problems of real people...before you tag their own real experiences as "NOT actual" !!

 

no-one is "doodh ka dhulaa".....the women who are mothers in law....have been DILs at some point of their life. Its about when people step into that "role"--- the freely allocated power of intrusion in the DILs lives makes people "just do it!!". Its the system.....if system teaches more respect towards DIL, and here RESPECT does NOT mean "service" ......but just letting her be, life will be different.

I think you need to understand the word respect....in EVERY context it is used!!

I am sorry you don't see any cancerous PILs here--maybe you can inspire them to get more internet friendly...when they will be more in the virtual world...they'll play their role less in the real world ..and I promise that will be an "ACTUAL CASE of relief!!" for a lot of DILs !!!