Mother To Two Girls

Hi Sweety,

Your thread is a shocker to me.

Maybe your circle is different from mine, to wanting to get rid girl children but let me assure you, as a mom of two boys, my husband and i wish desperately we have a girl child. Infact, in my friends circle, when all my friends were expecting, almost all of them wanted a girl child and their husbands also wanted a girl child, mind you not just the mom, dads too.

My husband actually has a doll named summer in his room . He is that crazy for a girl child. In my relatives circle, at this moment, there is a dearth of girl children. My paternal aunt wants a girl granddaughter, she has only two boys, infact almost all of them wish for a girl child.

If you are going to live your life by society standards, then yes, you will fall short by a long margin. the same society tells me that i will be left alone in my old age coz i dont have a girl child to take care of me when i grow old since acc. to them boys donot care for their parents these days . So stop focusing on what people tell you how your family should be. God has given you two beautiful angels. enjoy and treasure them as much as you can.

Yes, the world out there is cruel. Its cruel in ways you cant imagine. The weak, gullible, naïve are always preyed upon so teach them to be strong. So take a stance now to make sure you raise your daughters like Kali or Durga to ensure they know how to fight against those who try to take advantage of them. As a child i was sexually abused by my own relative that left a scar in me. I cant go back and change the way things happened. I dont wish that i was born a man just coz some idiot thought he could take advantage of me. Today i talk to my boys about how they should treat a women. I tell them about things that happen in our society and teach them to live the right way, how they should treat girls and women.

Ensure your daughters know how to tackle difficult situations. Prepare them to face the world. the least and the only thing you can do as a parent is give them the courage to face anything out there. Be there for your daughters at every single step, every single time.

Menstrual pain labour pain is a part of who we are. Its a part of being a woman. There are multiple ways to tackle these things. these are just small inconsequential things which donot matter in the long run. The most important part of being a woman is knowing when to stop listening to useless advise and learn to be content with who we are.

Teach your daughters that external appearances should not be placed as much importance.

Between my boys, one of them is a shade darker than the other one. I know the society judges people on the color but we in our house dont. And we taught him the same. Recently when a girl my elder one "you are dark", my son's only reaction was "So what?" and trust me he didnt bother about it or brood about it. I felt happy that day for having raised him that way.

We can either choose to lament about how things are unfair and unjust. OR we can choose to raise above all that and enjoy every moment that is being given to us fully.

Please take time out and enjoy. Stop reading agenda-driven articles which talk nonsense like the one you just shared. Infact, 3/4 of my friends in my circle want a girl children but almost all of us have boys while the rest 1/4 donot have children yet. They are trying their best to have a child. Two of them have adopted girl children also.

People around us are not the same. The world as we know today will not be the same by the time your daughters grow up. Focus on the positives of life and teach your children irrespective of a boy or a girl to be strong.

I think for all that, you need to be strong and happy. Your time is precious. Dont waste it on stupid articles like these and ruin your mood and day.

 

Is it just an article you wanted to share or do you feel it?

 

@Sweety2016,

Please enjoy the life as it unfolds as opposed to worrying about uncertain future. In the process of worrying about the future, you are losing precious present moments of enjoyment with your lovely daughters. My wife and I also have only a son and I can't describe in words how much my wife and I miss a daughter. I never had a sister of my won either and I am hoping my son will give us granddaughters some day.

I would recommend you to read a book titled, "Into The Magic Shop" written by Dr. James R Doty, a neurosurgeon. The author describes what should be a criteria for visualization. Your visualization is flawed as it is built on a negative premises.

My humble suggestion is to follow the practice given by this author to make things happen as per your wish:

1) Relax your body by focusing your mind on breathing. You need to do this exercise until every muscle in your body is relaxed.
2) Empty your mind by becoming an observer of your thoughts and discard those thoughts, emotions and feelings of the past. It is my understanding that brain doesn't differentiate between a real life happening vs intense visualization and therefore, even an intense visualization, if it is negative, will become true. You can convert this strength of the brain to make it positive to build the life you prefer for your daughters.
3) Open your heart - It is when you have encountered difficulties is when it is easier to open your heart. It is the heart that has a direct connection to the brain that brings compassion to yourself, your family, and others. Your heart has a mind of its own and has the ability to override the fear coming from your brain, if it is opened.
4) Visualize 10 things that you would like to happen and keep repeating that internally. Your subconscious mind will build on these strong desires. It may not happen exactly how you wish that to happen but the energy created towards those goals will unfold with circumstances that would help you achieve these goals as long as they are not to hurt anyone.

This author tells us that frontal cortex of our brain is left undeveloped until birth and it builds itself based on experiences we encounter. It doesn't differentiate between intense visualization vs real-life experiences which gives the humanity a magical power to build the world that they are looking forward to. Unfortunately, the western world talks about visualization and living in the present moment a lot ignoring an essential part of opening the heart and becoming compassionate to self and others that facilitates the life to unfold the way one desires.

I really believe that reading this book will help you to unfold the desired outcome for you, if you invest your time to read and it is easy to read in 2-3 days with deep understanding of the content.

I came to know that book through a book-study group I am a member of. I finished reading the book and prayed hard to help me grasp the invaluable teachings in this book. When I closed the book after reading it, I was watching Facebook videos and magically a video appears of a woman telling how she thought money is everything in life until she had near-death experience in a child-birth and how her perception changed dramatically since then. Magic does work!

 

@Sweety2016,

"Yad Bhavam Tat Bhavathi" says the ancient Indian saying. As you think, so you become is the meaning of it. Even though this is profound teaching from the ancient text, it is encouraging to see similar conclusion derived by the western world through their own thought process comparing the science and spirituality. I ended up reading this book well into the night not to lose the flow of information into my brain. I always wonder how the humanity has the ability to do many things unparelled and it is the energy created with the intention to achive something that makes it happen.

It is important that you become a role model mother for your daughters demonstrating courage and strength. They will digest your demeanor well and become one in their own rights. Remove your concerns about them in your head and try to install a positive outlook for yourself with great compassion. This will automatically be reciprocated by your daughters. When you read the book, teach this great wisdom to them and they will practice that wisdom from very young age. I already feel if I had come across this kind of book in my young age, my life would have been different. But I am still going to practice what was recommended in this book.

 

OP- we are 5 sisters. My oldest sister is 58 and I am youngest and 43. Just saying this to give you an idea of time span.

My parents heard most everything, “poor you, don’t have a son, you will be alone in old age, who will take care of you “ we heard the pity and “oh poor girls don’t have a brother, who will take care of them”?

My parents gave us the most important thing in life- education! They didn’t bother about relatives/friends, their pity, their taunts, their superiority complex of having birthed boys. My parents sent all of us sisters to college and graduate school. My oldest sister just retired as a District level officer. My second sister is a professor in India. My third sister is a homemaker by choice, and fourth sister is a software engineer in India. I am a professor here in the USA. Two of my sisters live in the same city where my parents are and check on them daily. One of my sisters lives in a city 2 hours away from my parents and visits most every weekend. I visit every year. My parents are both retired Government employees and get more than enough pension that they are not dependent on anyone.

My parents showed us what a family is about. My mom was 18 years old when she married and had graduated with 9th grade. My dad was doing MSc while also working as a science teacher. My dad helped my mom complete high school and supported her in getting her graduate degree so she could also be a teacher. My mom supported my dad when he decided to take early retirement and go to law school. They both worked together at home. Dad had no problem cooking and cleaning whenever mom went to training or visited her family (my grandparents). They supported each other’s extended families- my uncles (mom’s two brothers) lives with my parents and complex high school. Similarly, many of my cousins from dad side lived with us and my parents helped them with school. You see, neither my parents nor us sister ls needed to be taken care of by the relatives or their sons but my parents helped them selflessly.

When my first marriage didn’t work out, my parents were the first ones to stand up and told me to get out of it instead of worrying about the society. When I introduced them to my now husband (interracial), they put my happiness above everything else.

You are raising your girls in 2023. Don’t give a damn to what others tell you. You are their parent, raise them to be fiercely independent and rock for each other. Be the role model for your daughters!

Although I have my differences with my mom but she is one of the strongest women I know and we sisters owe a lot of our success to her.

 

I am sorry to say this, but I feel the pressure you are going through is may be due to the fact that you yourself think that its bad to have 2 daughters. I am not anyone to judge you here. But my 2 cents. If you believe something strongly (like having 2 girls is the best that can happen to you), then what society or other ppl trying to tell wont bother you at all!
You are talking about the girls going thru mentural pains, labor pains etc., Even if you have one daughter and one son, that one daughter has to still go thru all those pains right? So what if both your kids have to go through those? We all went through those and its a phase and now we all are happy right? Same way, your daughters also will go through all painful phase where you'll be very much there to support them! Think like that.
I am sorry if I sounded like I was blaming you. Just telling coz deep inside your heart, even if you have a slightest feeling of, "Oh having 2 daughters is not a good thing", you'll be affected by other ppl's comments for sure.
Let me assure you, having 2 daughters is a real blessing! I grew up with a sister, my family was one of the happiest families. I am still living close to my sister's house (touchwood) and the amount of support we give each other is definitely not something cross sex siblings will have after marriage. If I want to go shopping/movie/outing/2nd delivery, anything, I'll drop my kids in her place and not even think once about how my kids are doing. she'll take care of them better than me. Same is the case with me as well, if she tells me shes unwell, I'll ring her doorbell in an hr with hot food and soup. You cannot expect this in the case of 2 brothers or a brother and sister!
And I am proud that I have 2 daughters! Infact I wished for 2 daughters and got it, the kind of bond they have with my sister's kids are priceless!
So remember that you have been blessed, dont even bother about what other ppl think or say! You go for it, trust me, your family will have a happy, funfilled future!

 

Dear OP

Life is never perfect. The grass is always greener on the other side.
But how much we keep ourselves happy and content with what we have make our life near perfect.

I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. But that doesn't make my family a picture perfect one.
On the other hand my brother has 2 kids, both girls. But that doesn't make his family any less either.
We are just normal families with kids, and there are families with single parents, childless, with pets with grand-parents, without parents. The goods or bads of a family is determined based on how the family functions, and not by its composition.

Having said that, I yearned to have a girl child as opposed to the general cultural belief of having a boy child as the first kid. Even my gynecologist was upset seeing my disappointment during the gender reveal scan. I was obsessed with girls because I've seen how they are connected to the family and especially with mothers at the old age. At that time, I was kind of disconnected with my spouse and parents owing to different issues; hence needed a soul met through my pregnancy. That's a different story.

My view about girl child was ingrained from my experiences. My grandma had 8 children, of these 7 of them were boys except for my mother. My grandma shared a very close bond with my mother during her second part of life where she had almost no emotional connect with her sons. She would run to my mother whenever she feels happy or sad, complain a lot with her and cherish my mother's kids (us) as hers till she departed us. She literally lived with us and felt appreciated at our place.

The history is repeating now, as my mother is doing the same with my family now. Despite of my brother's request to stay with him, my mother chose to stay at my place. In fact she has her own house and a care-taker, yet she prefers comfortable here, and consider us as her family.

This is the case with plenty of my friends and family members where girl children are more attached to parents than boys as they grow up.

In fact, girls have always been like this in the past, but their complete dependent state made them useless to the families who always considered them as a responsibility. Now that girls have equal power as boys with earning capacity and a say in families. This will allow them to be more considerate towards their parents as much as they care for their in laws.

Boys and girls have their own pain and their own system to tolerate them. Perhaps girls have more pain as their tolerance level is comparatively high. Not every girl is feeling menstrual pain. On the other hand, there are medicines to manage the pain and lead a normal life during those 3-4 days.
Besides, I would consider this as a blessing. A blessing to create a new life and cherish motherhood. So, our girl kids are indeed lucky.

Not just you. All the parents are horrified about the unfortunate events happening around. Sexual violence against girls, and physical violence, drug abuse, negative coping mechanism, joining gangs and armed groups etc..etc... are on the boys too. So the worry as a parent regardless of the gender of your children is the same.

But what makes parenting special is to teach our kids on how to overcome such social problems to stand strong and be special.

I saw a Tamil poem in FB that was written by a mother to a daughter, roughly translated as "i will show my daughter the river and tell her how to flow like a river without bothering about dirt and garbage thrown on it. I will show the birds to my daughter and tell her how to fly high despite of the problems in ground" etc..etc...

I replied to the poem and said "I will show myself to my daughter and live as an example to teach her how to confident in life and lead a successful and happy life despite all the troubles life throws at you.

Your worries and tensions should not make your DD regret her gender. Rather, she should be happy for being a girl by looking at you.

 

Wow why?
If you are already working and taking care of family, how are you inefficient?
If you are financially sound, maybe leave your job and play with your kids.spend lots of time with them

 

Sweety,
Congratulations on second child and you are purusing a Ph.D.. that's wow, wonderful my girl.

I am responding to your many roles and handling (regarding girls, you have already received wonderful inputs)..

At first your baby is just 3 months old, so you take care of your health - physical and mental health; care for the children... how is your elder one reacting to the little sister entry..

With Ph.d / Job / Children / household - you have hands-full. So I would suggest to chalk out 3 first priorities in your day-to-day life and concentrating on those, other areas delegating to other family members (easier said than done, I know) or hiring services. Wherever you can simplify the tasks, pl do that. Don't ever feel guilty. Only concentrate on the priorities, that helps.

Having to handle too many things at one point, does may us feel inefficient. It is common, everyone of us go through it. So prioritize, delegate and simplify and keep aside some personal time or exclusive time with kids on weekly basis. Make yourself feel good / lighter / relax at least weekly once without guilt or without multitasking.