Mother In Law Is Destroying My Marital Life

Bliss9 · May 17, 2023

Hi IL family! I am posting here after a very long time. I need your inputs very badly. I got married in India and moved to the USA. Since the beginning of marriage we had compatibility issues . Couple of years later I found that he is actually manipulator, liar, abuser (emotionally and verbally) . He always blames me for everything and anything happens in the house and these problems actually multiply when my husband's mom stays with us for every 6 months in a year. My husband and his mom act very well to show off that they are well mannered when we are in public gatherings. He always hangs out with his mom, leaving me and my 2 daughters at home. I will be the one doing all the chores at home where as they both spend time together. Even for grocery shopping, dropping off kids to school and any of the classes she will accompany him. She never leaves a opportunity to go with him. I believe she does this to make sure he is always in her control. Whenever I confront him or ask him why they are doing this to me, he gets abusive. I reached a point emotionally, where I can not take this stress anymore. I want to know what are my options to solve this legally? without taking divorce. Thank you!

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swarnamary · May 17, 2023

legally???? is there a solution legally for this kind of problem I am not sure of that but your husband cant go to india and stay there for couple of months so you dont have to go thru all this trouble????

or you have to act as thou you dont care when mil is with your husband then maybe it will get little better.. the more we get upset with the more they show off....

Bliss9 · May 17, 2023

@swarnamary Thank you for replying. When I asked "legally" in my original post, I meant if there are any laws in the USA that support the women like me who is going through this harassment from Mother in law? Can I file a complaint against her?? Is there any option as such? If so, what are the repercussions? I know that I am thinking very extreme and after such step, may be my husband and I will not be in talking terms or may not be together any more but some one has to teach a lesson to her, to not interfere in her daughter in law's life and take away her share of happiness

Bliss9 · May 17, 2023

@swarnamary, I forgot to reply to your other questions. My MIL is a green card holder (through my BIL) where as my DH and I am not GC holders. Also my DH cannot go to India and stay with her as he is working in the USA.

It does not have any impact if I talk to her or not. She just wants to have good times with her son. She does not care what I think or feel. BTW my FIL lives in India and visits us in every 3 years but MIL wants to live here permanently in the USA

Shivika992 · May 17, 2023

Maybe you are feeling like this because husband is not giving you affection but giving MIL all attention and affection. MIL is enjoying affection from her son instead of advising on making a happy married life.
Why don’t you leave your DH with MIL for sometime and go to your parents for a month or so.. Or invite your parents to live with you for sometime? There is no law in the world to stop your mother in law from behaving like this, unless the house you are living is in your name, you can ask her to not come on your property. But doing such a thing will truly worsen your relationship with DH and MIL.
Try making your life not revolving around just husband and family if possible for you, maybe get a job if not already working and be more social with friends. Not being around such negativity and making your own career/life really helps get some sanity back in life.
If you truly believe your husband is a liar / manipulator/abuser..maybe it is time to consider separating from him?

swarnamary · May 18, 2023

usually at this age elders want to be with each other after kids are married off and have their family of their own but your mil seems little different maybe she feels better while she is staying around son i think,your mil also behave same with your bil???? there is not much escape plan out here unless wait and see if other iltes got a better plan for you to help your situation..

There is no such law that can prevent parents being with son but at the same time son himself need to draw a line on how to handle things with mom and wife, as we see in lot of families daughters,dil juggling btw spouse,parents,in laws.

MalStrom · May 18, 2023

You are assigning blame to the wrong person. As the saying goes, this is a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

mangaii · May 18, 2023

Are u working ?
What is your husband's actions when his mom is not there ?

Bliss9 · May 18, 2023

mangaii said: ↑

Are u working ?
What is your husband's actions when his mom is not there ?
Click to expand...

Yes, I am working. He is comparatively better when she is not around. He shares household chores, not equally, but it is better than nothing. However when MIL is here, she will not let him do any work, typical of MIL, right? When MIL is not there, she will be in touch with him on phone for at least 2 hours a day. They talk about what is happening/happened per day basis. She makes sure that he spends time with her (on phone) when she is not physically here. On a different note, I am higher salary earner between two of us. In fact he came to the states as my dependent. He has some inferiority complex and that is why he tries every possible way to control me under his mom guidance/jurisdiction. He almost spied my bank account transactions secretly by email forwarding but I was lucky enough to find it out. He has trust issues. He never ever shares a single thing about his family with me. I come to know from my co-sis all the time. Over all, our relationship is very fragile. In the initial years of marriage, I tried my best to become a good friend to him but during the course of time, I lost interest. It was always one way. Now I am living with him just for the sake of kids but having MIL with us will worsen our already weakened relationship. I am not seeing any light at the end of this tunnel.

Bliss9 · May 18, 2023

Shivika992 said: ↑

Maybe you are feeling like this because husband is not giving you affection but giving MIL all attention and affection. MIL is enjoying affection from her son instead of advising on making a happy married life.
Why don’t you leave your DH with MIL for sometime and go to your parents for a month or so.. Or invite your parents to live with you for sometime? There is no law in the world to stop your mother in law from behaving like this, unless the house you are living is in your name, you can ask her to not come on your property. But doing such a thing will truly worsen your relationship with DH and MIL.
Try making your life not revolving around just husband and family if possible for you, maybe get a job if not already working and be more social with friends. Not being around such negativity and making your own career/life really helps get some sanity back in life.
If you truly believe your husband is a liar / manipulator/abuser..maybe it is time to consider separating from him?
Click to expand...

I did try what you suggested. I left with kids to India for almost 4 months. He did miss us and asked us to come back on the condition that her mom would not visit us so frequently for such a long time. However, every time he comes up with a different reason for her to come back. She does not care about my FIL.

The house that I am living in currently, is a joint property of my DH and mine. For all these years I made sure my life does not revolve around just my husband and his family. I tried silent treatments, do not care you treatment, never bother you treatment. ignore you treatment. Nothing gave me the peace I needed.