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Mother encourages discrimination in the family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mimi77, May 31, 2013.

  1. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Have you ever seen a mother encouraging discrimination against her own adult children??....This partiality exists at my inlaws place.....My BIL is treated so special because he is the eldest son in the family. If both the son (my DH and BIL) sit together for lunch or dinner, BIL will be served in a special plate whereas my DH in the most ordinary plate.....Special food , preffered by BIL will be served to him but nothing special for DH......On BIl's birthday special prayers for him, but nothing for the younger one (my DH).....And the same goes for me since I am the younger DIL....The MIL believes that I deserve the leftovers since I am the youngest in the family.....Why such discrimination on the basis of age or otherwise?.....I feel so bad when this very same mother treats her younger son as a money making machine and advices him to be a good boy and take care of the needs of his elder brother and elder sister and their respective families as well......Really i dont know how to deal with such cruel people with so much sugar coatings outside.......Seriously my DH is so badly used by them afterwhich they do nothing to make him feel a little loved.......Not even a phone call on his birthday........Do you see such discrimination between adult children in the same family???
     
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  2. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    It is very common. Divide and rule policy. Withholding love to make kid desperate and "buy" their approval.
     
  3. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    you make him feel loved, make sure you are always there for him. and train your kids in future also to do so.

    there is nothing ,more i can tell you because, you cannot force somebody to love you.

    this is common in most families, unfortunately in your case your DH is the victim.

    try not to make this look obvious in front of your hubby, as this will hurt him. and try to reassure him always, even if you think otherwise, that they love hom alot.
     
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  4. Jhilmill

    Jhilmill Silver IL'ite

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    I have never seen or heard about it though every parent has a fav child. Some people rather expect elder brothers to help or take responsibility or want brothers to do for sisters.

    I never thought that people could do it for younger one...do you see any motive behind it..there got to be some reasoning..

    Divide and rule wont work coz in this case if wife wants its very easy for her to manipulate the situation and live separately. Even she can make husband to demand love even she can directly say her hubby is not loved etc...it totally depends on her.

    Try to focus on the motive...even if you don't find one then express that you feel that your hubby is not preffered.
     
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  5. anushri

    anushri IL Hall of Fame

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    I am witnessing it :-( I have asked too many times on why this discrimination, they keep saying that no discrimination but continue doing it..
    Mostly these princes will be born after a girl. So the mom who longs for a baby boy finds this baby boy a special one and continues no matter how many sons are born after that :-( The saddest part is the second/last son trying to please his mom 24/7 :-(
    According these mothers first son is for her happiness, the next son is to support the first son in everything :-( May be not told in words, their actions says so ;-)
    In Tamil there is a proverb which roughly means " Instead of being born as a last kid, better to be born as a donkey" The comparison here is to the donkey because it carries the master's burden :)
    In the cases I have seen either fathers seem unbiased or cares for daughters more as usual :)
     
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  6. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    Reading all this, I dont know what to say or think. MIL torturing DIL is still understandable (not acceptable just understandable) but a mother discriminating between children is hard to grasp:confused2:
     
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  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Is your husband aware of this discrimination? Is he able to see that he is being discriminated against? How does he feel about it? And do you live with ILs?
     
  8. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes he understands the discrimination but definitely doesnt make it obvious......But I really feel too bad about it....The open discrimination that she shows has been noted by most of our relatives also but my husband prefers to remain silent about it, obviously not to hurt his mom......Everyone in the family understands that the elder son is precious and special for her but really not necessary to show it so openly......I do not stay with my ILs but whenever I have visited them this has happened and it has always remained a question to me........Now that we live miles apart she continues with her tale about her elder son and his family and how we should really care for them and also keep fulfilling their demands and also SIL's demands.......Its so frustrating but my husband prefers PEACE, hence remains silent about all this......But difficult for me , hence felt the need to share this episode with you all and get your views..........
     
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  9. anushri

    anushri IL Hall of Fame

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    Dont worry, You will get used to it :) My H sees it as his mom's immaturity!! And according to him no matter how the other person is to you, you should do your duty as a son/brother. It was initially tough for me to digest. Now I have become like him. Just do your duty, do not expect even acknowledgement in return ;-)

    It was very difficult for me during a phasewhen my H was struggling to win his mom. I was a victime on several occasions. Now my H doesn't wants to please them instead do the duty of a son perfectly.. :) Like you we also stay in different place, it used to be hard when both the families are there... now I avoid going there when his bro or his family visits my in-laws :)
     
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  10. anushri

    anushri IL Hall of Fame

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    I would've said the same before marriage :)
    Now God has given me the opportunity to live with most types of people :) Ignorance is not a bliss anymore in this current era ;-) Thats how I see. Learning the skill of surviving among the toughest/meanest how ever we can call.
     
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