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Moms Do Most Of The Parenting Research?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by Rihana, Jul 16, 2020.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Let's leave out the "get the child married and settled" from the parenting task list. Then, the parenting journey is bookended by the "trying to have or adopt a baby" stage and the "send the child off to college" stage.

    I have come to realize that parenting involves a lot of research. A few examples of the research:
    • Talking to the doctor about trying-to-conceive.
    • Looking up fertility treatments if needed.
    • Evaluating the adoption option if needed.
    • Pregnancy, childbirth, and early baby care research.
    • Daycare choices
    • Is baby meeting milestones.
    • Is toddler ready for preschool.
    • Which kind of school for 5 year old.
    • Child is watching too much tv, iPad?
    • Child does not have friends?
    • Child has behavior issues.
    • Child not reading yet, not counting yet, not singing yet
    • Activities for child.
    • Does child need a sibling?
    • Summer camps.
    • What age to start swimming? Too late already?
    • Is child eating enough nutritious food?
    • Are we spending enough time with child?
    • How to talk to the child about starting/stopping this habit?
    • How to help child deal with bullies?
    • How to supplement school studies?
    • Evaluate school choice every year or so, change it?
    • Is child over-loaded with activities?
    • Math Olympiad?
    • Join martial arts?
    • Pause dance class?
    • Child does not speak mother-tongue or even father-tongue! OMG!
    • How to talk to child's teacher about this/that issue?
    • How to help child improve writing skills?
    • Hire a tutor for a subject?
    • Science project for school - how to help but not take over?
    • How to get dad to help with science project without child ending up in tears?
    • Teenager - how to be a parent, not a friend?
    • High school - help child explore college, career options
    • High school - moody child, stressed child - get help from where?
      Is that help helping or hurting?
    That list is incomplete. Just typing it makes me want to go take a long nap.

    Question:
    Do moms do most of the research and information gathering involved in parenting? If yes, why does that happen? What makes the job of the primary researcher fall on the mom for the almost two decades of parenting?
    .
     
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  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes. So true. I feel tired reading through this. Every word is true.
     
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  3. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    It depends! While I do most of the finding the doctor, summer camps, extra activities etc., my husband takes care of food, screen time rules, behavior issues, etc. We both needed to be on the same page with nannies and daycares or it wouldn't have worked.
    I still feel I end up doing a lot more kids' related stuff but I am okay with it. No middle and high school drama yet. Will see how that goes!
     
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  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana
    This incomplete list you had posted would look like a deterrent to spinsters and even to few unmarried celebrates!
    OMG. Would there be any time left for enjoyment? Don’t tell me marrying and the aftermath is entertainment for rest of life. One must have guts and zest for venturing to marry.

    Parents worried stiff as their children are not dating yet!

    Thanks and Regards.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Over the years, I have looked at how parents in my friend circle, our school, etc. share the researching work. With some exceptions, moms seem to do the research. Even in cases where the dad is a bit involved, the mom does the initial legwork, gives the dad a summary, and instructions on what to ask of the instructor/doctor.

    The families where the dad does more of the research had distinct reasons for that being the case. One was a mom who was not very fluent in English. Another, the dad came to the U.S. a few months before the family, and was the one to research the schools/daycare/doctor stuff, so he continued to do after his family joined him. One case that I thoroughly envy was a mom who was highly educated, worked for some time, and quite capable of handling kids' school stuff but the dad did most of it, including the whole college application circus.

    But otherwise, no matter if the mom has a busier job, more challenging work environment, pursuing an MBA, trying to switch careers, ... it is she who still does the parenting research.

    In our case, mostly by choice, it is I who do most of the research and definitely all the preliminary research in any topic. And, I have the unwavering faith of H and kids in what I do. Which can be a relief or scary. : )

    At times when I am not feeling too generous about the parenting chores division, I think:
    Assigned or self-assigned a parenting task, moms strive to do it no matter what.
    Assigned or self-assigned a parenting task, dads try their best to do it.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    My friends and I found that our share of the work increased in middle and high school when the parenting work became less physical care of the child and more "google" it. : ) We literally used to have a "I need to google" list.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    We are mixing up marriage and parenting. : ) My current advice to young adults and almost adult: "Find a partner. Life is funner with a companion. About becoming a parent: check back with me in a few years - the jury is still out on that."

    I love my kids, most days I like them too. But, in rare moments of unwitting candor and when we are sure we won't be interrogated or it be held against us later, some of my friends and I opine that parenting is bliss but definitely overrated. We spend a quiet few minutes when the whatsapp chat or phone call is silent as we think about a life sans kids.
     
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  8. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Completely agree. In our house hold, both are fairly busy, but since DH travels and out country for half of month (now having to work round the clock depending on international schedules), I give him the advantage that he is busier than i am. Also, I do not take work home like he does. This makes him think I have plenty time in hand to do research, contact people, compare prices and pick a convenient location for the kid's activities or doctor appointment. I don't mind doing it because of being a control freak. that gives the relief. But there are days I doubt myself are the scary ones. DH and DD moves on as if "this is scheduled, let's get this over with".
     
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  9. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Rih-ji
    Hope all is well with you. This post caught my attention! List is for atleast two decades and I don’t think it’s going to get shortened in this covid times, and the list is bound to go long... that being said it’s going to fall on one person who takes the lead while the other though can appear laid back, will monitor from a safe distance. One might prefer to do the groundwork while the other party can takeover from there.

    this brought a big smile on my face ... afterall some people deserve this blessing (counting on more blessings ) after a rough start if you know what I mean.
    to answer your “Why”
    I think it depends on the circumstances one was raised and laid back nature (deceptive appearance) of the individual too.

    :ciao:Stay safe !
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    @jskls my dear consonants friend, what a pleasure to see your post!

    : ) That sharing/distribution is a dance or a song performed by two people, often having to get creative about who sings what, moves how, and neither having an idea of the best next step. A jugalbandi that cannot be rehearsed. : ) : )
     

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