Mom Was Exhausted -- And Then Things Changed

This is a post that is shared regularly in my mommy-groups. I am not sure who was the original author.

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My mom did not sleep. She felt exhausted. She was irritable, grumpy, and bitter. She was always sick until one day, suddenly, she changed.

• One day my dad said to her: “I’ve been looking for a job for three months and I haven’t found anything, I’m going to have a few beers with friends.”
  My mom replied: “It’s okay.”
  
  
• My brother said to her: “Mom, I’m doing poorly in all subjects at the University.”
  My mom replied: “Okay, you will recover, and if you don’t, well, you repeat the semester, but you pay the tuition.”
  
  
• My sister said to her: “Mom, I smashed the car.”
  My mom replied: “Okay daughter, take it to the car shop & find how to pay and while they fix it, get around by bus or subway.”
  
  
• Her daughter-in-law said to her: “Mom, I came to spend a few months with you.”
  My mom replied: “Okay, settle in the living room couch, look for some blankets and pillows in the closet.”

All of us gathered worried to see these reactions coming from Mom.

We suspected that she had gone to the doctor and that she was prescribed some pills called “I don’t give a damn”… Perhaps she was overdosing on these!

We then proposed to do an “intervention” w/my mother to remove her from any possible addiction she had towards some IDGAF medication.

But then … she gathered us around and explained:

“It took me a long time to realize that each person is responsible for their life. It took me years to discover that my anguish, anxiety, my depression, my courage, my insomnia & my stress, does not solve your problems but aggravates mine.

I am not responsible for the actions of anyone & it’s not my job to provide happiness but I am responsible for the reactions I express to that.

Therefore, I came to the conclusion that my duty to myself is to remain calm and let each one of you solve what corresponds to you.

I have taken courses in yoga, meditation, miracles, human development, mental hygiene, vibration and neurolinguistic programming and in all of them, I found a common denominator in them all…

I can only control myself, you have all the necessary resources to solve your own problems despite how hard they may be. My job is to pray for you, love on you, encourage you but it’s up to YOU to solve them & find your happiness.

I can only give you my advice if you ask me & it depends on you to follow it or not. There are consequences, good or bad, to your decisions and YOU have to live them.

So from now on, I cease to be the receptacle of your responsibilities, the sack of your guilt, the laundress of your remorse, the advocate of your faults, the wall of your lamentations, the depositary of your duties, who should solve your problems or spare a tire every time to fulfill your responsibilities.

From now on, I declare all independent and self-sufficient adults.”
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Everyone at my mom’s house was speechless.

From that day on, the family began to function better because everyone in the house knew exactly what it is that they needed to do.

Source: Unknown
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It is a hard lesson and one that we learn only from experience. We women grow up seeing our mothers being the caretakers and caregivers, the ones to smooth out all problems for all generations of the family. We repeat that cycle. We tend to fix problems for our children well into their adulthood, we strive to shield them from hardship. We just want to see everyone happy and doing well. We are willing to sacrifice ourselves and our sanity to achieve this. And, when we don't get any brownie points for this sacrifice, we start to get resentful.

My favorite part from the shared post:

I can only give you my advice if you ask me & it depends on you to follow it or not. There are consequences, good or bad, to your decisions and YOU have to live them.​

So from now on, I cease to be the receptacle of your responsibilities, the sack of your guilt, the laundress of your remorse, the advocate of your faults, the wall of your lamentations, the depositary of your duties, ...
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"Laundress of your remorse" ... what a turn of phrase!