Mixed Feelings, Multiple Thoughts. ..am I Being Unreasonable

boldnbutiful · May 7, 2017

Sorry for the long post .....A little background here....

I had a baby boy in November last year and was diagnosed with diabetes very early in pregnancy (around 3-4weeks) it was a very stressful journey and by God's grace my son is healthy ...

My in laws ( little early amonth before delivery)and my mom both came for delivery , ILs came durin my 9th month and created too much stress , instead of resting I was doing sasumma kind seva my giving her juices b preparing dishes of variety et c , when my mom came she started taunting her etc etc . After delivery also it continued finally 4 days after my delivery I snapped and answered back fought wd them on their behavior. .from then on they star Ted distancing them selves from us ...my bil marriage is in November this year. ..
Due to my health I am going to India in few weeks ...

My problem here is they never once asked me when I am coming to stay wd then , they keep saying things which make me little uncomfortable and feel that me and my son are not welcome there ...for example...it's very hot here baby will not be comfortable, too many ppl will visit you baby will be disturbed. ..many things as such ( am I over think ing)

They never once call or talk to me and ask to see their grandson but if someone visits them they call multiple times and over act saying " my kanna my cuuty" etc etc...

Now , I am visiting India for around 6 months , I am scared that my mil will emotional ly black mail my hubby and take money from him for marriage (second son very smart won't even give single penny and he is very well earning) .. I have no problem with giving money but right now we r not financial ly well settled , with single income and a baby we ourselves are struggling , they came they saw our conditions but still they dun understand. ..and its not like they r poor they have smartly invested during their greener years and mil herself told they have so many savings but still they want struggling son to give them money....

All this is giving my husband anxiety and stress and making me even more vulnerable. .and this stage all this is making me more tired and more stressful. ..

ashneys · May 7, 2017

It reminds me of a recent thread we had abt d elder son n dil suffering the most where d in laws keep suckin dem financially, emotionally. n d younger siblings n der spouse has an easier ride by getting financial helps from d in laws n also less drama. It's similar to ur situation. It's d curse of being an older child n d parents think d younger one shud hav an easy sail.

About ignoring normally n showing off love wen der r relatives, yes it happens. I have seen dat on both d parents n in laws side. N dey do it to get brownie points in front of der relatives n friends. Some ppl r jus like dat, Jus ignore it.

Yes, reading der behaviour, dey may not b so comfy abt u comin over for so many months. Dat may result in u not being treated very well. n dey will give u n ur child more attention n show off wen der r relatives but ignore during other times. N since ur bils wedding is also der, der mayb a lot of work as well n a lot maybe expected of u even wen u r going der for ur health reasons. So chek if u r ok with all dat. If u 'must' stay at ur in laws for that long with no other choice, den u need to ignore all der dialogues n behaviours n jus go for it n focus on finishing n gettin back asap.

Abt d financials, it's a never ending battle. Dey will keep askin as long as dey know dat u wil give if dey use any emotional blackmail, drama, sad face / dialogues. As tough as it is practically, d control is in u guys only. Wen u go stay now, ur in laws can easily manipulate ur hubby too. So u hav no choice but to stand ur ground if u wana escape from dis.

yellowmango · May 7, 2017

Op.......why do you want to invite trouble?
Why do you want to be invited to their place when they are not considerate.
Enjoy your time at your parents place.Go when your husband joins you.

As for finances....discuss with your husband how much you can help. Rest ....let them know you are in a tight financial situation. They should scale down the wedding if money is tight
Your husband is the elder brother...he can ask his brother what he has been doing with his money and he should contribute to his wedding.

Umanga · May 7, 2017

boldnbutiful said: ↑

Sorry for the long post .....A little background here....

I had a baby boy in November last year and was diagnosed with diabetes very early in pregnancy (around 3-4weeks) it was a very stressful journey and by God's grace my son is healthy ...

My in laws ( little early amonth before delivery)and my mom both came for delivery , ILs came durin my 9th month and created too much stress , instead of resting I was doing sasumma kind seva my giving her juices b preparing dishes of variety et c , when my mom came she started taunting her etc etc . After delivery also it continued finally 4 days after my delivery I snapped and answered back fought wd them on their behavior. .from then on they star Ted distancing them selves from us ...my bil marriage is in November this year. ..
Due to my health I am going to India in few weeks ...

My problem here is they never once asked me when I am coming to stay wd then , they keep saying things which make me little uncomfortable and feel that me and my son are not welcome there ...for example...it's very hot here baby will not be comfortable, too many ppl will visit you baby will be disturbed. ..many things as such ( am I over think ing)

They never once call or talk to me and ask to see their grandson but if someone visits them they call multiple times and over act saying " my kanna my cuuty" etc etc...

Now , I am visiting India for around 6 months , I am scared that my mil will emotional ly black mail my hubby and take money from him for marriage (second son very smart won't even give single penny and he is very well earning) .. I have no problem with giving money but right now we r not financial ly well settled , with single income and a baby we ourselves are struggling , they came they saw our conditions but still they dun understand. ..and its not like they r poor they have smartly invested during their greener years and mil herself told they have so many savings but still they want struggling son to give them money....

All this is giving my husband anxiety and stress and making me even more vulnerable. .and this stage all this is making me more tired and more stressful. ..
Click to expand...

Most women want to keep their mothers-in-law as far away from them and their baby as possible. You should count yourself as one of the lucky ones who has a disinterested mother-in-law. Focus on establishing your life in the West and forget about your husband's parents. Use their utter disinterest in you and your baby to break the financial umbilical cord you husband still maintains with his parents. Make him understand that his primary responsibility is towards his young family, not to his parents who are financially well-settled and solvent. It would be a different matter if they were suffering, but they are not, according to your account.

boldnbutiful · May 8, 2017

Thanks all for your reply. ... yeah I have stopped waiting for their invite...my hubby says why do u want to be invited isnt your house too...but somehow they just don't make me feel welcome. ..about finances hmm mm I just can't say anything, the only thing my hubby says is he is my brother if not me who will give ( he sponsored my bil entire education in US including living expenses) ....I heard my mil making her plans already ....saying too many expenses etc but I know their mentality during our marriage they demanded many thing, my parents spent money on them and they tell everyone that they did...

How can parents b so selfish ...and my fil he is the main villain..The sutradhari

boldnbutiful · May 8, 2017

yellowmango said: ↑

Op.......why do you want to invite trouble?
Why do you want to be invited to their place when they are not considerate.
Enjoy your time at your parents place.Go when your husband joins you.

As for finances....discuss with your husband how much you can help. Rest ....let them know you are in a tight financial situation. They should scale down the wedding if money is tight
Your husband is the elder brother...he can ask his brother what he has been doing with his money and he should contribute to his wedding.
Click to expand...

They know our situation , they saw how we live and still they dun understand. ..As far as his younger brother ..my hubby feels a little less Confident as his brothers financial sanding is triple of ours....His parents are banking on this feeling and increasing our troubles , I talk to him explain him no use one call from mil everything in the drain.