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MIL's Clever Favouritism

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by preethiitech, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear All,,

    I want to get ideas on what you would do if

    • MIL has double standards between her own children
    • Favouritizing her daughter's kid more than the son's almost all times (99:1)
    • Love,Attention, pampering, visits, phone calls, facetime only to one grandkid and just sms the other (The child is too little to read and write)
    • Travel over 20 hours by flight to see one and cannot see the other even when visiting the same city for other reasons


    Both the kids are too small to understand anything, but will not be like that for very long..The attitude is just indifferent or very different compared to the other. I am just shocked to write anything more right now.

    Should I ask the reasons for this difference, or pretend that there is nothing wrong? Isn't it so unfair? We have asked many times but the outcome is only silence.. and the same story repeats. I need to come out of this pressure in my head.. What is the end to this being-taken-advantage-of ? I feel so stupid to tolerate.

    @yellowmango @Rakhii @guesshoo @Shanvy @sweetestshweta @Twinkel
     
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  2. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    It's really sad when elders show favouritism towards grandkids..showing favouritism towards sons/DILs etc is bad enough but taking it further with the small kids is inexcusable..I do not know how u can deal with such a situation..But one thing is for sure..children are much more perceptive and sensitive than we expect them to be..Over a period of time the kids will surely understand the family politics & indifference of their grandparents towards them and start distancing themselves..
     
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  3. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks @generic, hoping DD wouldn't be hurt by what is happening beyond our control even after all the efforts.
     
  4. pinkRoseBud

    pinkRoseBud Gold IL'ite

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    No she won't be affected as long as her parents are with her. Even if she feels bad, she will be fine soon n strong to ignore all this.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If the child has another grandmother, teach the child to be partial to that grandmother.
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Grand parents are outsiders and they can not treat all their grand children equally. Though technically treating everyone the same is the ideal thing to do, but that never happens in practical life.

    Too many factors to consider:-

    - The first grand kid get the most attraction and love
    - Their gender
    - The facial resemblance
    - The most disadvantage kid
    - The kid whom shared more time with that grand parent
    - The most loving child's kid
    - Any other reasons

    My mom loves my kids more than my sister's and brother's kids. Reason being, my mom lives with my kids since their birth, handle them 24/7 and treats them as if they were her own. They too reciprocate the same level of love to my mom, and miss her a lot whenever she is out to visit my other siblings' house. My mom can't spend a night without my son so she comes back home quickly whenever she visits others or takes my son (with his/our permission and comforts) with her if the stay requires a night out.

    My MIL does not love my children the way my mom loves. I am sure my MIL would love her 3rd son's kid (yet to born) the most., because she has a special love for him.

    My Sister lives with her in laws; thus her child is too close with her paternal grand parents. Whenever she visits us, and stays with us for longer period they go into depression of missing her. They have 7 other grand children too. But they love this little bean the most.

    My brother's kid is too small. My mom shows her appreciation and love to her. But definitely it is not something equal to her love for my son or DD.

    I know of an aunt, who loves her 18 yr old grand son the most than several others. For her, this one is more of like her youngest pet son and other kids are just grand children. She was with him for long; thus this special love.

    Another aunt loves all the kids of her daughter, as she thinks her daughter loves her the most than other kids.

    So much examples. So, it is not uncommon.

    As Rihanna mentioned, just make the kid bond with another grand parent, and it will naturally happen. if that is not the option, be close with your kid as much as possible, so that she won't feel isolated.
     
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  7. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Please do NOT explicitly teach the kid to be partial as Rih suggested. Teach healthy things to a kid and not bitterness. Regarding ur mil, she is doing cheap behavior like a cheapo. You cannot change her cheapo ways, but focus on your life and kid(s).
     
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  8. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    I think the child will learn to favor one grandma over the other, depending on their behavior with her.
     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If the behavior continues and become too obvious for the children....then don't put the child in a situation where the discrimination is obvious. ...e.g family functions.If asked why...be bold enough to tell them the reason.Hopefully that should make them realize their small minded pettiness.But these things do happen...very unfortunate.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Is there any strict reason that a grand parent or any extended family member to have equal amount of affection with all the children in the family?

    It is a problem if the comparison or favoritism is done in front of the kids. Eg: MIL gifts one child and kisses him while ignoring the other child who is also present in a function. That would obviously hurt the child.

    However, I would not bother about MIL's frequency of visits to BIl's house or the choice of gifts she is buying to his child. After all, it is her choice. How would my kid knows unless it is being told or compared by the elders at home. Why corrupt a kid?

    Moreover, it is natural that kids do show favoritism between uncles, aunts and grand parents depending on the affection and gifts that they receive from them. I think we parents have nothing much to control here. However, our duty should be to ensure that no one hurts our child.
     
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