Mil Treats Me Like An Outsider

Ria84 · Oct 25, 2020

yes...she has always done that since marriage and even after doing everything for this house, am treated like an outsider.

Anything for that matter...she would give everyone but not me. She has been claiming that she will give all her jewels to my daughter and that too in a sarcastic way so many times. This is the first thing she told me when she came to the hospital after my daughter was born many years ago. Am happy that my daughter will have it but her intention is very well known.
If she had a daughter she would have given it to her also, apart from my daughter.

Its not that I want anything of hers, its the feeling that how much ever you do to them and their house, you won't be considered as part of the family.

Sometimes I feel its good that she doesnt give me so that I won't owe her anything in future. If I take hers, then I'll be in her Runa ( debt) so its good that I don't. But sometimes I feel that I am always an outsider no matter how much I do.

nakshatra1 · Oct 25, 2020

If that is your major issue, it's not really worth taking tension. I feel let her keep her jewelry with her-she doesnt have to give it to anyone just because she is elderly .
Many MILs wants to take the DIL's jewelry or her parents' money - atleast she is not doing that. As long as she is not doing that, just relax and enjoy.
Focus equally on your parents who have given you everything, try to serve them equally in their old age so that you will get satisfaction in your heart . Dont become a slave to inlaws- they will never treat you like a daughter. Do equally for everyone and live a balanced life. This is to avoid emotional disappointment.

Ria84 said: ↑

If she had a daughter she would have given it to her also, apart from my daughter.
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You don't even have an SIL. All these are imaginary issues, you are getting everything from them anyway right? Comparing with imaginary SIL is not good. Just unnecessary tension.

And whether she gives you or your daughter isn't it the same thing? It will make you equally happy.

I feel you are very sentimental- for u it's not enough to get everything- you want her to be enthusiastic about it. But that is unrealistic .

Women are attached to their jewelry no matter how elderly they become. As a daughter, we dont want our mothers to give their jewelry to us, we want our mother to have her jewelry and wear and enjoy. Same way just think- because she is elderly now doesn't mean she has to give it away. And if she will give to your daughter, be grateful.

Needtobestrong · Oct 25, 2020

nakshatra1 said: ↑

If that is your major issue, it's not really worth taking tension. I feel let her keep her jewelry with her-she doesnt have to give it to anyone just because she is elderly .
Many MILs wants to take the DIL's jewelry or her parents' money - atleast she is not doing that. As long as she is not doing that, just relax and enjoy.
Focus equally on your parents who have given you everything, try to serve them equally in their old age so that you will get satisfaction in your heart . Dont become a slave to inlaws- they will never treat you like a daughter. Do equally for everyone and live a balanced life. This is to avoid emotional disappointment.

You don't even have an SIL. All these are imaginary issues, you are getting everything from them anyway right? Comparing with imaginary SIL is not good. Just unnecessary tension.

And whether she gives you or your daughter isn't it the same thing? It will make you equally happy.

I feel you are very sentimental- for u it's not enough to get everything- you want her to be enthusiastic about it. But that is unrealistic .

Women are attached to their jewelry no matter how elderly they become. As a daughter, we dont want our mothers to give their jewelry to us, we want our mother to have her jewelry and wear and enjoy. Same way just think- because she is elderly now doesn't mean she has to give it away. And if she will give to your daughter, be grateful.
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Completely agree...DIL and daughter can never be same..usually MILs divide their jewellery , some to be given to daughter and some to DIL after her time..some elderly ladies sometimes gift jewellery just like that during some major occasions to daughter or DIL,or some may prefer not give DIL and give only daughter while living... but their choicest jewellery they prefer to wear and relish and pass on after their time only..
What is the big deal if she wants to give to her grand daughter...anyway you are the legal guardian and primary caregiver of the child...so jewellery is effectively yours..so chill and dont get irritated..

Ria84 · Oct 25, 2020

I DONT want her jewels and am happy that my daughter will have it after MIL is GONE ( that is what they said).

They would PURPOSELY say things like mentioned in above post many times with a sarcastic grin, thinking they would make me feel bad or irritated.

Hence the post.

Needtobestrong · Oct 25, 2020

Ria84 said: ↑

I DONT want her jewels and am happy that my daughter will have it after MIL is GONE ( that is what they said).

They would PURPOSELY say things like mentioned in above post many times with a sarcastic grin, thinking they would make me feel bad or irritated.

Hence the post.
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When you say “above post” do mean Me??
Then refer directly rather than indirectly...
I have no intention of being sarcastic at all ...My MIL too at time behaves and talks weirdly with regards to jewellery...I don’t show interest at all at what she says and I act indifferent...
You may not want the jewels , but it’s your daughter’s rightful inheritance ...
When she says she will give to ur child it means you will take responsibility to keep it safely after her time for your daughter when she grows up..
What exactly I’m saying is that MILs make such statements WITH the intention of irritating the DIL or upsetting the DIL.. ..she wants you to feel bad...if you’re being chilled out and learn to ignore such remarks , it would make the MIL to lose interest in saying such things..
And you’re right about the DIL always being an outsider..how much ever we do for them they will never value us at all..

Ria84 · Oct 25, 2020

THEY means My Inlaws and not Needsbestrong.

I was referring to the original post by me.

Yes, they would purposely tell it many times.

Needtobestrong · Oct 25, 2020

Ria84 said: ↑

THEY means My Inlaws and not Needsbestrong.

I was referring to the original post by me.
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Oh ok..I misunderstood..
once upon a time small issues with things like jewellery , sarees, gifts etc would make me feel bad..that's why I felt like replying to your thread to reassure you....but I have changed myself and trying not giving attention to such small remarks...
As I said, just ignore...its not worth feeling bad over...DIL is always an outsider...once you accept it and stop having high expectations of being treated like daughter you'll find it easier to not care.

Ria84 · Oct 26, 2020

Thanks a lot for your advice.

DDream · Oct 26, 2020

OP,
You are not alone. Just read the IL forum for similar issues. You will be their DIL , never their daughter. Blood is thicker than water. So its better to accept it and lower your expectations. Look like you dont have any other serious issue.
So don't waste your energy on this issue. Its not worth it. Its her jewelry, so let her do what she wants.

The best way is to ignore it when she brings this topic. Dont show any interest. If she talk about it to you, and if you want to give a reply , tell her, "it suits you better. I wish you keep it and look beautiful in it. Its your choice. DD already have my jewelry. She is so young even to understand it."

Focus on positives and your life.