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MIL suggesting non veg diet for DS

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by headspin, May 11, 2010.

  1. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    hi friends,

    im here with another issue. sounds small - but its disturbing me a lot! here it goes:

    i had a love marriage and in-laws/dh are non vegs and im a veg. i only eat egg ocassionally. before marriage it was clear that i will not be forced. no one has ever. but dh wants me to have/cook. i dont cook. in prev ocassions, i have always tried told everyone that i want my child to be a vegetarian. now, DS is only 6 months old. MIL insisting on feeding him non-veg. especially fish. but im so against this! im sure she will start with that and slowly give everything else as he grows old :(.

    when i tried telling this to dh - he fought with me :(. again he started the story ' my mom is doing you a favour by taking care of your child. so shut up and she decides what the child will eat'. i asked him whats the harm in vegetarian food? if there is even a single disadvantage of veg over non-veg, i will agree to give him non-veg. but he had no asnswer,. instead he is telling im stubborn.

    my issue here is - as a mother, dont i have ANY RIGHT to decide whether my son should eat/not eat non-veg? just because im working and mil is taking care of DS - does it give her the authority to make decisions that im not comfortable with?? goign down the line, when mil is no more, i will anyways not be in a position to cook... !! and isnt my mil being stubborn abt giving him NV?

    what do i do here? pls advice...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2010
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  2. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Re: veg/non veg issues- for DS

    Just curious, what is the reason that you are dead against non-veg? May sound like an irrelevant question or that I am taking the thread on a tangent. But trust me, I am not.
    If you could find out your intention, it will help you see the problem to it's real magnitude.

    1. Are you trying to raise DS as vegetarian because you are a vegetarian? OR
    2. Is it because non-veg is not good for health in your belief? OR
    3. Is it due to some religious reasons? OR
    4. Is it because there is a power struggle between your mind and MIL's decision? OR
    5. Is it more of a question like 'who has authority on what'?

    An inclination in the best interest of the child would be worth the hassle.
    In my opinion, to grow up as Veg/Non-Vegetarian is your SON's right. Ofcourse when he is little, as parents you guys need to take decisions for him. But, do not view it as a question of 'whose right it is?'. Introspect why you are against Non-Veg as opposed to why you have to agree with your MIL. That would help shed more light into the problem if any.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2010
    1 person likes this.
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: veg/non veg issues- for DS

    Dont worry our inlaws are stronger than us.. and they shall be here much longer than us :rotfl.
    A mother always finds a way to fulfill the child's need, if you cant cook you will either hire a cook or can get it outside.. these days most of the working mommies are barely cooking veg food.. leave alone the non-veg.

    Let the child explore tastes of both the families and decide his choices... many a times true veg families also provide non-veg items to kids on docs advice.

    At times I used to get charged up that what shall happen to kids once grandparents go back to their place, who will have the time for their outing or extra care, but then realised very few are the lucky ones to get love from their grandparents & surprisingly kids settle back to their mommies choice in a longer run.
    I also mentioned the same to my MIL and asked her to let go any wierd behaviour of mine that came out of this insecurity and she said.. dont worry I'll come back soon or if you want I'll take one child with me... but yes I cant stay in this city forever... I need to be back to where I belong :bonk.

    I feel your MIL is not stubborn but simply trying to find if her grandson loves non veg as her son, stay calm for this issue is what I feel.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2010
  4. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: veg/non veg issues- for DS

    @mstrue: its a combination of 1,2 and 3. but since mil is being so adamant abt it, i feel 4 & 5 are bugging me. also, a simple fact - she did what she wanted to with her children.
    i have some dreams and wishes and hope to do certain things certain way for MY child. should i not enjoy/live motherhood?

    @shilpama - well, at 6 months we cannot let the child decide his likings. if its about 'what our child likes'.... then can we give them pepsi/chocolates/junk food to eat at a young age?? yes, they have health disadvantages, but again, most of it is OUR BELIEF.. like i told mstrue, i wanna live my life of motherhood and enjoy it. i dunno if i will have another child. also, is there any HARM in giving veg?? have we ever come across campaingns ANYWHERE in the world that say 'TURN NON VEG for good???
     
  5. ilite

    ilite Senior IL'ite

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    Re: veg/non veg issues- for DS

    Hi headspin

    You wrote "i have always tried told everyone that i want my child to be a vegetarian" but didn't tell us if your husband agreed on this ? Generally in mixed marriages (Inter-caste/religious/cultures/food preferences), there are discussions and agreements as to how much each one compromises and how the children are raised. It is not a mother's decision or a father's but both decide on which aspect of each one's background you'll follow for the kids.

    If it has not been agreed between you and DH on the food preference for your children , I guess there is not point in getting upset now. Would it have made a difference to you if your DH is the one feeding your child the non-veg food instead of MIL?

    In my case, I have certain food preference , I don't live with my ILs but don't have a problem with my DH feeding the kids food that I don't like. Maybe they'll develop a taste for it and moreover they are 'our' kids not 'mine' . We both have a say in their upbringing.
     
  6. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: veg/non veg issues- for DS

    Headspin,

    I understand your fear that your kid would turn non-veg as he will be fed with it routinely and your disappraoval of the same you being a veg and with your own preferences of raising the kid.

    As you are a working mom and MIL is in-charge of the kid for the entire day, you'll have no control when she gives him non-veg. With your post, it is clear that she is not ready to respect your preference and would feed it especially when your DH supports her in this. The best solution would be to talk to your DH and explain him that this preference is important to you (it is possible that DH and MIL are not able to understand the gravity of the situation - they might be just taking it as a casual thing and dont really understand how much it is upsetting you) and try to convince him. If he is convinced then let him handle his mom and instruct her accordingly.

    However, if he doesnt agree, then as one of the posters said, just let the kid explore tastes of both and decide what he prefers later on. He might remain non-veg throughout of his life or may even turn a veg when he reaches the age to make concious decisions about his likes and dislikes.

    For example, me and DH have been brought up in non-veg families and hence were non-veg (we were 'used' to non-veg as it was taught to us from childhood). However, after reaching adulthood, we decided not to eat it anymore and became veg. So, both of us are veg now and havent touched non-veg since more than 14-15 yrs now.

    Though both our families continue to eat non-veg (my MIL just LOVES it), we *prefer* our DD to be veg. We (DH and me) have expressed our preference to our families and so far they have respected it. However, I cant still guruntee that DD will remain veg forever her life as I prefer (she might decide to turn non-veg in her adulthood just like we turned veg) and if she wants to experiment with it, we wont stop her. I would not like it, but I would let it go as afterall it would be HER choice to decide.

    I can understand that this issue which might appear to be small to your family is disturbing your peace...But let go of the things wherein we have no control.

    ~S.
     
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Re: veg/non veg issues- for DS

    Dear Headspin,
    I think because you are upset with other things .. this is making you more angry.

    Its not a big deal. You cannot force a child. He will eat when he grows up as its cooked in the house or he will follow dad to restaurants. Do you want him to follow you no matter what? You say your DH is a mamma's boy.. do you want your DS to be the same?

    I am non veg and DH is veg. But he is not forcing on the child because ultimately its the child's choice. when they grow up and choose to be veg like my DH no one can do anything.

    Think about it calmly.
    FL
     
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Your mil isn't a paid nanny under your employment, and hence, you will not really be able to enforce your will on her that much. As a parent it's your right to raise your child how you wish.... and sometimes that means hiring a babysitter/nanny to care for your child instead of getting free child care from a relative. So guess you have to decide.... FREE child care or raising your child YOUR WAY. Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too... this is probably one of those times.

    Also, just because he eats nonveg as a child, doesn't mean he can't later become a vegetarian when he gets older. Likewise, even if you raise him as a vegetarian, doesn't mean he will always stay vegetarian. Parent's influence only last so long, especially when it comes to freedom of choice.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    If you drop off your child at a daycare of hire a nanny to take care of her at your home, you can be very specific about what your child will eat and what not. If your MIL is taking care of your child, and you live together, then you cannot enforce your wishes so strictly. Theoretically speaking, you are the mother, your wishes should be respected, but in practice, all the family members who are actively taking care of the child will get to have a say.

    It is not even clear if you had a talk about this with your husband. The part about it being agreed before marriage that you will not be forced to cook or eat is clear, but it is not clear if child's food was discussed. It is very difficult to accept that your child will eat non-vegetarian food, but face it, his father is non-vegetarian.

    In all probability, your child spends more time awake with your MIL than with you. She is not a paid daycare provider and neither is your child being occasionally being dropped off to spend time with grandparents. She is spending the whole day with your child, and most probably, due to being related by blood, she feels more love, care and concern for the child than a daycare provider will do.

    The bottom line is you cannot do much if she tries to feed your child non-veg or like I said in another thread created by you, if she chooses to follow her style in potty-training, giving baby bath etc. The luxury and peace of mind of having a grandparent take care of a child comes with these hidden hassles.

    Your choice is simple - find a nanny or leave your job. Even a nanny supervised by your MIL won't help as your MIL will still enforce her styles.
     
  10. DevikaS

    DevikaS Senior IL'ite

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    You should let your child decide if he wants to be a veg / non-veg..

    let him try the non veg dishes if he likes it then good if he doesnt like it then they will not give him non veg..

    My dh was brought up a Veg.. but once in his teens he tasted non-veg and he said it is the BEST THING IN THE WORLD & WHY I DIDNT EAT IT BEFORE.. so he is eating it now..
     

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