MIL starting to show her real colours

I'm writing to the ladies that are wearing the thinking hats on behalf of the OP.

Folks, the OP wants her way of life; her independence intact. She's trying to find out how to keep her independence intact without anyones interference. If we can give her the best solution, her problems are solved.

IMO her frequent statement about quitting job is not because of her DH, but rather she's not cut for working.

I made some wrong judgment and unable to remove those posts now.

 

[JUSTIFY]@ Canwait
Hmm you may be right...I think

but I wonder how she wants independence and no one's interference and loooots of attention,pampering and care at the same time ?? Hey this is not to offend Icy..but just trying to understand. [/JUSTIFY]

 

Even I am not offending Icy, but I kind of realized it after reading through this one thread. Everything revolves around someone telling her something which she's not happy about.

Secondly, she's 24 and not a 4 year old. These days the teens answer back like mad. At the age of 24 do you think, someone that's brought-up abroad will not tell the husband: "Yes, in case of emergency I will do the shopping myself, so it doesn't pressurize you".

Any normal person would answer this way isn't it?

The lady has provided too little information. People living in the middle-east or those that have lived in the middle-east will know the life style. Life starts for them after 7 PM in the evening. They go for shopping even late in the night till 12. Maybe she said she wanted to go out alone after 9 for which the husband could have refused. Middle-East culture is a jinx of the East and West. Due to extreme weather conditions people venture out only in the dusk.

As someone pointed out in another thread, she comes across as a self-centered person.

 

Hi dear ICY

Your hubby doesnt want you to go alone anywhere without him may be because it is not safe to go alone. Gulf is such a place.

Many hubbies this side (gulf) feel same like ur Dh...in this aspect.
If u still want to shop alone then do it. Don't have to tell him each and everything u do...Drop in into some mall,shop and come back. Go to a place which is near to ur home. That is safe and easy too.

Here people go to office very early and come home late and If things can't wait till he comes.... U go ahead and shop. you don't have to tell all this to him..... Don't feel guilty in doing it. Don't bother urself for an explanation to him... Don't spoil/pamper him with such. . He may in future expect such things from you all the time.

If MIL is asking explanation tell her u got caught in traffic. UAE is known for notorious traffic jams. Not that i am encouraging you to tell a lie, once in a while its ok, may be later she will understand and stop asking you.

Hi i got an idea, may be wierd, why don't you sponsor ur ILS for a holiday? Send then on good holiday may be foreign yatra or teerth yatra. So that you can get some time with DH. Get this idea cooly into ur Dh... they may not accept if you say. If ur DH says they may agree. Many short summer packages are available.

It would be great if both of u go, but i doubt if u will get leave at office or at home front... Try this.might be helpful.

Sorry ICY din't mind to offend u with my replies, if i did i am sorry. Most of the girls are married young and many face this kind of problems in their life at some part of their life. Some disclose it some don't. See how best you can adjust and if not then do something which makes you happy. We all can advice but your the best judge urself. Do what ur instict says to do.
All the best.

Warm Regards
Saras

 

dear Sri, Canwait and others (who are doing their best in providing excellent ideas and solutions),

let us take an example of a teacher and a student. the teacher is doing the best she can to explain a lesson to the student. but the student says "i didn't understand" and asks a doubt. so the teacher explains it again nicely for 4 to 5 times. still the student says "i didn't understand" and asks a same doubt. so again the teacher explains and the student continues to say the same and keeps asking the same doubts.

the teacher thinks that if i dont explain properly then the student will not understand and will fail in the exam. so she feels very sorry and explains again and again. she explains the lesson for the 100th time and the student still says the same for 100th time and asks the same doubt. next day is the exam and the student fails.

now whose mistake is it ? is it the mistake of the teacher or the student ? the parents of the student will storm the school and blame the teacher for not teaching properly thats why their child failed. the teacher may also think the same. so according to the parents and the teacher it is not the child's fault. but is it right ?

actually both, the parents and the teacher, are wrong. because it is the mistake of the student and not the teacher. the teacher has this fear that the child may fail, but does the child have this fear is the question. the teacher thinks that the student may spoil the life, but whether the student has this fear is the question. no matter how much the teacher feels sorry for the student she has to accept the fact that it is the student who has to sit for the exam and not her.

the student has to accept the fact that the only way to pass the exam is by learning the lessons and not by asking for the question paper or asking the teacher to write the answers for her. because that's what all other students do, learning the hard way. nobody gets a special treatment. and if you are giving a special treatment to the student then you are only spoiling the kid and not helping.

remember that we can buy a toy for a child who doesnt have even 1 toy and is crying for a toy. but should not buy a toy for a child who already has 1000 toys but is still crying and creating a scene in the shop. the more attention you give to such a child the more scene it will create. if you do, then you are only spoiling the child more and not helping it.

cheers.

 

CW has a point.. Her wants are still ambiguous to me..

May be instead of us pouring suggestions to her 'problems', for a change, ICY can think out aloud here on what is it EXACTLY she wants from her DH. And ILites can help her sort out her 'reasonable' expectations and figure out a way to get it fulfilled..

ICY,

Imagine your DH has everything you wanted to be in a husband.
Now list out all the great things he does for you (in your imagination) that makes you the most happiest DW in this world.

Like according to your posts, these could be some of your wants..
1. DH should let me go for shopping any time of the day
2. DH should never question me
3. DH should buy jewels once in every ______
etc

NOTE: Avoid ambiguous terms like he should be 'thoughtful', 'caring', 'understanding', 'good', 'loving' etc.. Sometimes neither girls nor boys arrive at a common meaning to such loose terms. Be specific in your wants.. and be honest.

Once you list them down, it will help you see whether they are reasonable, realistic expectations. You may discover yourself.


In other words, take a typical happy day in your imagination.
Explain how it would be from the time you got up from bed till you retire to bed.

Like,
1. I got up at such and such time..
2. DH made coffee for me (She may expect.. who knows!
not that there is anything wrong in that.. like seinfeld says in an episode)
3. MIL did this and I am happy
4. ...

Reread your list.. see what is lacking.. why? Are they reasonable demands? etc.. or if you want ILites to do the thinking for you, feel free to post your list.
It would lead you to realise your expectations. Atleast your DH would know what you want from him.

Try this exercise and let us know.

 

yeah mstrue you have a point...may be she should list out how she wants her Dh to be

 

Yeah Sai.. Once she posts her expectation, we can help her see what is reasonable, what is feasible and how to make it possible..

Hope Icy finds this different approach appealing and exercises it. Let us see.. or this post may go down the drain as usual. In that case, I may need to revisit SriVidya's previous post to save my sanity. :bowdown

 

You know ICY, I don't think you know what you want. In fact, I don't even think you know who you are. I think you got married before defining yourself or figuring out how to be the mature version of your kid self (i.e. growing up). Until you realize that you haven't yet made the transition into adulthood, things will go on like this forever. Being adult is more than just getting married, cooking dinner, and having sex with your husband. Being an adult is about seeing the world (and the problems that come with living) in a mature and sensible way. It's about asking yourself what can I do for OTHERS, instead of constantly thinking about ME ME ME. Because the great secret of life ICY, is that usually the more you give, the more you get back. That doesn't necessarily mean adjusting, giving can mean anything.... thought, empathy, consideration, respect, attention, love. Those are all things you can give to your inlaws and husband or even strangers, at no cost to you, but will pay back big time.

And I encourage you to stop dwelling on the SMALL problems in your life and start focusing on defining who you are. Right now you are like a catepillar who has not yet taken the time to go into it's cocoon to transform. The problem is ICY, you want to go right from catepillar to butterfly, without taking any of the time to work on your transition. You think everything should happen in life with minimal effort on your side. But reality is, any catepillar who ever became a butterfly HAD to go into it's cocoon, take it's time to develop itself and mature, and only THEN start life in it's new, adult form. There's no way around it.

Instead of thinking what you want, why don't you look in the context of what your husband can give. You will be a lot less dissapointed that way. For example, instead of dreaming of diamond necklace, rolls royce, and husband who lives off large inheritance to pamper you at home all day.... understand reality for what it is. He is a working guy who can't be at home to spend time with you all the time. So if you want a connection with him, figure another way to do it (i.e. text message him at work, leave him a little love note in his lunch box). If you want to shop unlimited, realize that you might have to do your shopping at a discount store instead of Gucci. And realize that you are a middle class girl, and will have to pick up the slack at home, no maid is coming to do the cooking and cleaning.

For my sanity, I will tell you one last small story before I sign off and leave you to sort things out yourself. Because even I used to have bigger dreams than what my husband could give (guess I was living in a fantacy world too). There was this animated Disney movie called Beauty and the Beast, and in the movie, the Beast gives the Beauty a palace with a HUGE library full of books so high she needed a ladder to reach, and with windows from floor to ceiling, and clouds painted on ceiling by Michelangelo. For my whole younger life, that's what I wanted, a PALACE library just like that. And sometimes I would feel sad when I realized that married to my non royal husband, I would never get that. Basically, my expectations were unreasonable, and I was holding it against my husband for no fault of his own. I hadn't really grown up yet and I believed that this library dream of mine was ALL or NOTHING (i.e. could only happen if I had a palace, no alternative would do). But you know what ICY, we are buying a house next year, and my husband has already begun plans to segregate an entire room of our house, for wall to wall bookshelves and will be getting a painter to paint on our ceiling a replica of Michelangelo's "god reaching out to man" painting, and a construction man to knock down a wall to replace it with floor to ceiling windows. Is my library going to look like the French palace in the movie? No, we're middle class folks living a middle class dream. But you know ICY, the minute I put aside my extreme expectations and embraced a smaller, more reasonable alternative, and accepted my dh for what he was and what he could do with his limitations, life became so much better. I became so much happier with him and the small things he could do for me. What I'm saying ICY, is the life you thought you'd have growing up, seldom becomes the life you end up getting as an adult. And the minute you can become comfortable with the REAL YOU and your REAL LIFE and stop looking for all the small problems that come with our average middle class lives, you will start noticing all the ways you are blessed. Your dh can't give you the work free life you seem to want, without his parents around, and without him having to work and be away from you. Chores, his parents, his job, those are all a reality of your life. But instead of looking at what you can't have, start looking at all the things within your reach that you CAN look forward to. You can either be the person who see's life as half full or half empty. The choice is yours.

 

I think Icy is not clear here. I went through another of her post by accident and came to know she had to "sign a contract" to come back to her inlaws place.

I am sorry I had to post the whole thing as I did not know how to link just the post ...

So maybe Icy is not getting along well because of this reason....