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MIL situation, not sure what to do!!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mariegold, Oct 22, 2014.

  1. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    Long Post!!

    My MIL is a good person, hence I have been ignoring few problems because thought that small are always needed families


    The main problem I have with my MIL is she tries to control our decisions and has her way in very important decision in our life's. My husband is very attached to MIL and I respect that bond




    - First and significant problem that affects me is how they treat my parents. MIL always expects gifts from my parents and always wants my parents to do all the ceremonies, asks my parents to give us expensive gifts. My parents initially did not mind this but its getting too much for me and my parents now. She wants my parents to bear expensesfor my daughters first birthday, Mundan ceremony and anything related. This is just a example. I have spoken to my parents and strictly asked them to say no. I have confronted this few times and she says this is "paddathi" that they have done for there daughter so they expect the same from us.


    - My Inlwas never speakto my parents, my parents always have to call them and visit them . Not a single call If my parents dont call them like every 15 days, she gets upset saying that my parents dont care about me. Basically she dislikes my parents for some reason.



    - Now the controlling nature, just few incidents below


    * She got upset becos I forgot to mention about returns gifts I purchased for my Srimantham.
    * I had breastfeeding issues (not enough milk) she put all the blame and me and my parents saying that my parents are not providing nutritious food for me hence I am failing wit BF. She literally cried before my husband saying and BM is very important for baby and I am not doing a good job trying ( I did try very hard even consulted a lactation consultant and followed herinstructions

    * We planned to celebrate every important milestone in my daughters life likes
    cradle ceremony, annaprasana etc but she always stops it saying she never did for her kids so no need to do now, becos according to her that the paddathi.


    * I dont eat NV during Ganapthi Navaratri, I explained to her that but still she literally forced me to eat egg during ganapthi navaratri becos she says not I should follow there familys tradition, as they eat I should also eat it.






    I have reached saturation point I cannot take her attitude any more. I have explained this to my husband , he tries to speak to MIL but no results.

    How can we explain to her :(
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2014
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  2. santoshini

    santoshini Silver IL'ite

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    hi mariegold

    first of all relax....! you've got too much stress

    this type of behaviour in MIL's is v.v.common, and plans to change their attitude-oho my god please dont even think about it because you can never change anyone just like that.

    the ego,the bossy nature,trying to loot girl's parents etc is quite common so dont just panic.

    certainly in many ways she irritated you too much,controlling your diet, involving in breastfeeding issues and all that stuff.

    Still there is hope,next time when you are visiting the doctor take her and let recollect certain things she forget being a woman. make her talk to your doctor about how natural it is in most of the females who dont get enough milk. dont feel embarrassed to take her to your doctor its okay once in a way you got to make a move.
    next regarding gifts and her so called "paddathulu and sampradayalu" you have respected her enough and now you are no more a new person in their family as you have already delivered a baby so dont even think about it. and i really appreciate for supporting your parents and asking them not to bear anymore expenses from your side.

    as long as you are happy with youre husband dont bother her too much,let her continue her saga and if possible try to avoid certain things you seriously dislike no matter what but in a friendly way. sooner or later you'll definitely find change in your husband's behaviour because you are his family and he cannot just leave you suffering like that but this part is very sensitive. change in him may take few months or years--it all depends from person to person right so have faith

    Saturation in you so early......no way .
    come on there's lot to live and lot to face so dont think in this way.

    relieve your stress first, share with your friends take advises and if u really can laugh out how stupid mil's are , old generation people trying to control the fastest generation individuals like usideasmiley cheer up.

    hoping a good news from you, take care.Live happily.All the very best.
     
  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Is she expressing an opinion or issuing an order? Try to take whatever she says as her opinion only. Dont take as an order you have to obey. Acknowledge what she says as her views only but dont take her word as final. If you get in the habit of doing that, then it will get very hard for you.

    Dont let her stop you from celebrating your dd's functions. Next time you take the decision and 'inform' her just before the day. If she objects, say, 'oh is that so? well it is too late I already invited everybody, how can I cancel now'. Is your location info accurate op? If you are indeed in US, you can also reply 'this is america lo paddhathi'. So what if she says no. Dont not do the function just because she said no. Say all the friends are asking, why u r not doing, it is getting embarassing that we didnt do, just make up some reasons and have the function. Only first few times she will make an issue. Later it will get easier as she will also get the message.

    Forcing to eat nv: You should talk to your h about it. She has no business forcing you to eat when you have clearly expressed that you dont want to. Make him explain to her that you will not object if she eats nv but you cannot and that is final.

    OP, r u sure you dont have some mild ppd? It could be partly the reason why you r feeling so overwhelmed about your MIL antics. Try to go out, talk and discuss all such topics less with her, (just decide by yourself and only inform her), try to distract yourself from her, it looks like she is getting on your nerves and that cant be good for you. Try to explain to your h and take his help.
     
  4. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    I was confused after reading this post, why you think she is a good person? She expects your parents to pay for every thing. Is that good? She micromanages your life. Is that good? She may be good to your DH, but that gives her no right to dominate your life.

    OP, She is your MIL, not your mother. Do not expect her to treat you like her daughter. Do not share every thing. I felt the breast feeding issue was too personal to share with her. Next time she brings it up, just say there were some problems with BF initially, but now its fine. Then change the topic. Let DH also know you don't want to disclose every thing, as the BF comments and interference in DD's rituals make you uncomfortable. Both DH and you should only talk to ILs about things that are acceptable to you.

    You and DH should be able to decide what you want to do for your DD. Do not feel guilty about it. Let MIL know your plans last moment, and just inform her. Do not ask for advice. Follow your own wishes. MIL will continue to dominate you till you let her. Respect her, but do not bend over backwards to please her.

    Regarding expenses, convince your DH to pay for all these functions. Then let him talk to MIL not to bother your parents into paying. You can say DH wants to bear all expenses henceforth (after talking to him), if she says anything to you on this. Do not confront her yourself. Let your DH and parents decline.

    OP, you are a grown woman. MIL can not make you eat any thing you do not like. Refuse to eat non veg during Navratri. Just say you don't want to eat it. No explanations. Be firm. If you have to, fake illness or indigestion or stomach ache, etc. Say you feel like throwing up, and can have only light veg food. Do this a couple of times, and MIL will get the message.

    Stand up for yourself when you have to. You will feel good.

    I hope things improve soon.
     
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  5. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    Thank you so much Santhu for taking out valuable time ... for some reason I was ver dormant during pregnancy and after childbirth all this was new and I had never seen such behavior ..
     
  6. mariegold

    mariegold Junior IL'ite

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    Sandya

    thank you so much for you advice. yes it could be mild ppd as well...I think partly why I got so overwhelmed was all the behavior from my inlaws was against my core principals ... I felt I was not standing up for the right and for myself and that in turn hurt my consciousness.

    My MIL takes everything too personally and stops talking, emotionally blackmails my husband, and says her health got affected high BP etc etc if we say her anything...
    As they are living alone in India I just took all her bad behaviour .. as I was worried about family and our marriage

    From all your responses I have understood that I need to stand up for myself and say no to her antics...
     

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