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MIL , SIL and extended family woes - please help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by spaceaura1, Sep 24, 2012.

  1. spaceaura1

    spaceaura1 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I am from a very academically advanced family having modern views, and have been given the freedom and oppurtunity to be independent and create an identity for myself. Following that because of the dreams of my parents and there support o have achieved a good position professionally.
    To start, my father was from a poor background but he completed his education from the most prestigious college of India and gave us the best environment in every term to develop furthur.
    Following this, when we were looking for a partner my primary criteria was education , I had told my parents I would compromise on the family background front, but never on education.
    My marriage was an arranged one. My husband is academically brilliant and professionally in a good space. The problem is that his family is a joint family. My father in law are 4 brothers and 2 sisters, all the brother used to stay together at the time we got married. And my mother in law are three sisters, who also live in the same city. Ours was the first wedding of a boy in the family. So, the expectations were very high, everyone used to push my father for spending lavishly in the wedding. Saying that we have great expectations as this is the first wedding on our family. My dad spent all the money in my weddign leaving nothing for my personal kharcha. I did not mind as I was earning good and did not want to burden them.
    Now the issue has been that my in-laws and sister in law have high expectations from my husband. Sp my SIL and MIL want to spend a lavish life which is beyond the means of my FIL and my husband being the good son treis to do every possible thing for them many times at our cost. I initially had to leave the job as I had to shift to mumbai where my husband was located. The situations have been that my MIL was adamant about buying a hjouse in south delhi, which was beyind the means of my Fil so he tool loan from his sisters, and my husband was supposed to pay back the loan amouting to 35 lacs. Now in todays age 35 lacs is a big amount, and we had to put our requiremtns on back to suffice for this. Apart from this my SIL keeps on demanding things which my husband due to hesitation doesn’t refuse siting the reason that she wud get married son. But that amount too is exhorbitant. There have been incidents when he has refused me to buy smthing but encouraged her for the same. I felt bad. And to top everything apart from the 35 lac for the house, my husband is also expected to shell out around 15 lac for his sister’s wedding. I am feeling bad about all this, but I never said anything because iw anted to see myhusband happy. If I would complain his mother wud fill his ears against me, and we wud have tiffs and evetually he wud be upset the whole week. Hence, I never said anything.

    I was working in an IT MNC at a senior position, never had the time to cook , but was good at managing thing. After mariage tough we were in mumbai and my IN laws in Delhi,and also though I was not working, but given that my husband used to leave at & in the morning. My mother in law still ahd the expectation that I may wake up in the morning and cook meals for him to be taken to office and paranthas to be had in breakfast. I keept a maid but she and all others even the extended family was complaining why don’t u cook. If I had to buy clothes or a dinign table or curtains or sofaset, everyone in the extended family also used to have an opinion about the need of that particular thing in our office. How in the world could I make them realise the status of my husband and that these things were a common at his friends places and were required in his profile. I felt bad to justify because firstly I had left my job to adjust in this new life and with my salary alone I could afford tese things and secondly because my husband was expected to give 50 lac rs for there comfort and I was being questioned even if I had kept a maid for 3000 rs pm.

    Now my husband met with an accident and I was the readson for it, because I was too much stressed I started shouting in my dreams and while trying to pacify me my husband got a fracture in his hand. This happened recently after 2 years of my mrg and I had started working a year back, we asked my MIL to come and help us , she refused on the grounds that hw wud my FIL manage his stuff alone( though the SIL s still unmarried ans stays with them, she is not expected to do anything).

    Now the situation is that when the extended family has started marrying there sons and tehre daughter inlaws are working, though at a very lower level than me, they are all very cooperative. Noonoe expects them to cook. They are allaowed to dress up in jeans and trousers though iw as not even allowed sleeveless suits and also night suits.
    Also to note my FIL is at a very very low level as compared to my father and also me professionally. Thogh I never thoigh abt this in the beginning coz I wanted tot respect him as my husbands father but the comparison came in when I saw my MIL expecting to do all the house hold work along with office . seeing my FIL she sud atkeats realize the pressures of a professional life which neve happens
    Every passing day brings a new form of sorrow for me. Every day in these 2 years I have tried to proove myself, tried my best , killed my aspirations , killed the individual I am to be what they want me to be, but they are just not satisfied and when I see the youger DILs getting priveledges and support which I yearned for I feel more depressed. I have speculated breaking my marriage but I love my husband a lot to coz him all this hurt and also am unsure about whether I would have to courage to start it all over again ? the worst of all is that my husband never stands up for me, he remains quite when aur anyone in his family says anything to me. I have felt insulted on many occasions because of his nature but he says I just cant argue, its not in my nature. But I do not undertsand how can u let your wife be insulted and keep quite. And after that how can you not understand my pain and ask me to do extra efforts to please ur family and extended family, when I can clearly see the behaviour.
    I have been at a verge of a nervous breakdown, have cried on so many nights, have wanted to leave the house on so many occasions, have also speculated suicide ; lying in the bed all night playing the scene of my falling from the top of my building and the release I would feel after I have left my body.

    I do not want to die, but at times there is no option, as i see my husband is also sad as i almost daily fight with him now. I am fed up of myself also always being in a clinky mood.
    Please help me ………



     
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  2. mercyagin

    mercyagin Gold IL'ite

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    Dear, I understand you are going through a difficult situation. Please dont think about leaving this world. Atleast think about your parents who dont deserve to see you dead.
    Rest of the ILites will suggest you how to handle this situation. So just hang on there.
     
  3. mommybird

    mommybird Gold IL'ite

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    1. Education..especially in the Indian context DOES NOT guarantee maturity. We need to understand that as Women before we embark on the groom search journey.

    2. 4 brothers Joint family is a bad idea for an educated girl to get into. The pain they have given also seems to be given you the "am better than them" attitude which will again prove fatal for your health.

    Now...This is the situation you have in hand and you are depressed. Work on your depresison..Do not think of what others tell you or what they think of you or that they are professionally higher and lower than you. You are living alone..if you want to wear sleeveless WEAR it. Do not expect approvals.

    Slowly work on your relationship with your husband. The money part from your husband was a given when you entered in this relationship in such a Joint family set up. You need to suck it up for the time being until your husband realises this is bad. Money is the least of your worries now..let it go. You are educated and so is he. You guys have earning potential.

    Get this Suicide idea off your head and go visit a counsellor and heal yourself first. Best of Luck.
     
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  4. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear spaceaura,

    I think many people will agree with me, you are not alone. There are several thousands who are in your very same situation, if not worse !!! Women dynamics today is changing every day, and the males dont have a clue!

    Make your mind strong !! Do what you want to do, listen to people's advices and comments only if they are useful to you and you can take away something sensible out of it. If it is only hurting to you, ignore their comments and advice...

    Dont expect anything from people. If they do something, appreciate it, if not forget it!!! Dont keep grudges in mind. They are too busy in their world, and your keeping grudges will only spoil your sleep and peace !!!

    If something insulting is said to you, respond immediately, assertively... telling it later is a waste of time, they will say they never said it !!!

    If you think they are partial to the other DILs, remember that the other DILs might have some other complaints....

    I know of people who keep saying - why do you work, your baby needs you, and the minute the DIL leaves the job, it is why dont you work your education is getting wasted!!!

    So, people, their comments and advices are never ever in sync, so dont depend on others comments for your happiness, do what is right for you and derive happiness from it :)
     
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  5. NilamKhushi

    NilamKhushi Senior IL'ite

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    Dear spaceura1,

    First thing love your self, Every day when you wake up spend couple of mins in front mirror and admire, appreciate yourself and thank God for giving you this life. This will give you happiness for the day if not alteast peace of mind.

    You are earning and independent, so you dont have to let anyone rule your life style, wear what ever you like and coming to the expenses towards your ILs family you cannot do anything here unless ur husband realises, so be patient (I am in a similar situation, this is the advice i got from other ILites :))
    Cooking and house hold things, i think 80% of the DILs face this problem, slowly you can get rid of those too...
     
  6. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    I think you should give least importance to your H family and extended family and focus on you and your H.Talk to your H about having maid and how you find it difficult to cook on weekdays.Also reg your dressing,your H should say whether it suits you or not.others should not be poking their noses.Reg buying household items,just listen to what others say and do what you like.now you know that complaining to your H doesn't make any sense, talk to him in such a way that he agrees with you.do what best suits you and your H.leave everyone else opinion in the air until and unless it is worth.Your health and happiness are more precious than your MIL taunts.So just ignore them.
     
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    expecting husband to stand up for you - biggest mistake. stand up for yourself. your happiness is only in your hands. the only person you need to convince is your conscience. rest of the world does not matter.
     
  8. apaasn

    apaasn Gold IL'ite

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    I read your post and I must tell you this first.
    Get some help if you are thinking about suicide and talk to a friend or anyone you are comfortable with.
    Deal with this immediately.
    Life is precious and suicide is not a solution.

    Thank god your mil didnt come to 'help' you.She would have made life hell for you expecting you to get up early,cook 3 meals,work and god knows what all.
    You need to look at this whole situation from a different point of view,maybe that will bring you some relief.
    Lets look at some bright points.
    1) you dont have to live with in laws.
    2) You have a job now.
    3) you have no kids.

    Nothing you do can please your in laws.So dont take their words to your heart.
    As far as this giving money to them goes,it is between your husband and his parents,there is nothing you can do to prevent this.Make sure you dont give your salary to them.That is yours and you have every right to spend it the way you want.
    Buy whatever you want and tell your husband you are earning and want to decorate your house.No need to ask his permission.If he says anything against it,make him understand that you have some desires.Do not bring in laws,sil or anybody else into this.
    Stand up for yourself,hubby will stand up for you eventually.Give it some time and see.
    Anybody says anything to hurt you,reply bck to them calmly.Do not keep quiet and cry later ,also dont shout or yell and lose control.
    If they say something to make you shout leave the room.come back when you have calmed down and reply back to them.
    I think there is still hope for you.Everything is not over.Give your marriage another few yrs and in these few yrs try to make everybody understand you.They will slowly,atleast if DH understands you thats enough.

    Remember when the going gets tough,the tough get going.
     
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  9. spaceaura1

    spaceaura1 New IL'ite

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    Thanks all ...for ur suggestions
     
  10. spaceaura1

    spaceaura1 New IL'ite

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    Thanks soulful
     

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