MIL only provides food, snacks, tea, gifts to DH

sunshine1970 · Oct 9, 2013

Hi Ladies I think I just want to vent here today, I kind of know the answer to my questions as I discussed with my therapist last week but here it goes as I value your guys opinions so much. We live with IL but do not share kitchen or bathrooms etc, we cook separate and they cook separate, separate food purchases,fridges etc two kitchens. MIL wanted it this way and it actually is a great idea. I don't know if it's jelousy but my MIL at times gives my DH something she has cooked but it is obvious when she brings it over it's only for him and only enough for him and sometimes this is really upsetting to me and I feel hurt. Example, she will put dharl and rice on a plate with one papadum and bring over and tell him it is for him. She will make halva but in one tiny bowl and hand to him. She will bring on chocolate bar over. She will buy him shoes, pants etc (that does not bother me as much). She will also sometimes just bring a mug of tea for just him. If I work late she will give him pizza and never leave any for me. She has never asked if I want to eat anything. In the past (during emotional talks) I have told her that this bothers me but this has been useless as she is still doing it. She still continues to do it. A lot of the times I laugh it off and view it as her playing her games but sometmes I get really hurt and feel that I am a second class citizen. When I give them some food when I have made extra or picked up something they like I always always provide enough for two for FIL and MIL ( over years I don't do much of that anymore as I get hurt with her behaviour). Most of the time she returns the desserts or food I have provided saying they already ate and places back on my counter, so I have stopped doing this now. My mom always tells me that I can ask her to cook whatever I want and why do I expect or want things from my MIL and she says God has given you two hands to cook your own stuff. I understand all this and my therapist says it is just her way to bond with her son and get under my skin. Lately I have really ignored it but it is really hurtfull when she approaches with only 1 chocolate bar and completely ignores me. I have talked to DH about it and he says that is the only love and attention his mother gives him so he enjoys it, he knows what she is doing is not right but he says she won't change if he says something. My therapist told me I need to start saying to my DH next time you get a choclate bar ask for 1 for me too. She has him fooled because I am thin and excercise a lot that she does not offer me food because I am too much in to health and fitness? Am I crazy any suggestions

guesshoo · Oct 9, 2013

Hi OP,

The most effective trick will be this. When she brings over something, your DH should say, "oh! This isn't enough for two. Let my wife have it this time."

Or split it right in front of your mil.

Or you just pounce on it and finish it up. Once when mil made tea just for DH and told me I could make my own tea if I wanted it, I told DH, "hey, let me have half of yours." And happily took it away. It had the required effect. If her DS has to get a portion, I get it to

Good luck. Xx

simpleMom · Oct 9, 2013

You have one of the better arrangements of living with ILs. If she is giving stuff to her son, that's OK. It is a good thing for your DH too. He has good fortune of eating from his mother's hands. If she gives you, then you might feel obligated to her and might be forced to interact with her even if you don't like. You might feel forced took Diwali sweets for everyone. She might pass some comments and never ending drama will continue. Just let your and DH and MIL deal with each other without involving you.

Right now, you have a reason to interact with her only when you want to. She has given you that reason. Keep it safe. Enjoy the semi-independence.

persecutedDIL · Oct 9, 2013

Hi OP,

I am sorry but you are behaving like a teenager who accuses his parents of partiality.
You are neither a teenager/kid nor are they YOUR parents. So, why bother.

I totally second all that SimpleMom has suggested.
You are lucky -
1.) Kitchen is separate so no fuss of MIL trying to be the kitchen queen like in a few cases vented out here.
2.) MIL doesn't complain about your cooking skills
3.) You don't have to cook for them - you can always remind them how they used to return stuff you cooked, in case they complain in future that you don't cook for them.
4.) Yes this is mean - "She has never asked if I want to eat anything."
You grow up and ignore it given three benefits listed above versus one cost.

simpleMom said: ↑

You have one of the better arrangements of living with ILs. If she is giving stuff to her son, that's OK. It is a good thing for your DH too. He has good fortune of eating from his mother's hands. If she gives you, then you might feel obligated to her and might be forced to interact with her even if you don't like. You might feel forced took Diwali sweets for everyone. She might pass some comments and never ending drama will continue. Just let your and DH and MIL deal with each other without involving you.

Right now, you have a reason to interact with her only when you want to. She has given you that reason. Keep it safe. Enjoy the semi-independence.
Click to expand...

sunshine1970 · Oct 9, 2013

Thanks Simple Mom and persecutedDIL I think I really needed to hear these words. SimpleMom you are right I don't want to get back in to a web of exchanging food etc, and I do have it good because their is very and I mean very minimal contact between my MIL and me and nothing connects us interms of food or chores.

Persecuted DIL thanks for being so blunt, you called a spade a spade. They are mother and son and let them react to each other how they want. I am no longer going to pay attention to it and brush it aside, it is not my business. Thanks for the great advice.

moukthika9 · Oct 9, 2013

What is your DH doing all this time.........
he should ask his mother.........I think.....

sweetshreya · Oct 10, 2013

My MIL did this even when we didn't have separate kitchens and we were guests for just 20days. She would make something only for her DS and then would come to me and say, "I made it only for him. Make sure you don't ask for it on the table." :bonkJust laugh it off, OP. These things are not worth our headache.

SSSGupta · Oct 10, 2013

i ll say, u r so lucky....... there is no reason to complain dearie.... she is not ur mom and cant be ever so be happy ,,... and enjoy....

Ansuya · Oct 10, 2013

Sunshine, if it makes you feel any better, what your MIL is doing is very bad manners. To offer anyone food, while ignoring the other person in the room, is clearly a serious sign of a lack of etiquette, and I think anyone, from any culture, on any planet, would agree with that.

Maybe it's designed to irritate you. Maybe she is just a boor and doesn't realize that giving her son preferential treatment is childish and maladjusted way to act. Whatever it is, I would encourage you to not let it affect you. I only say this because I'm assuming your MIL would not be receptive to an open and honest dialogue about how her thoughtless actions are hurting you.

If this were some other person (say, your work colleague, who offered food to the person in the cubicle next to you in your presence, but not you), I would advise you differently. In that case, a polite confrontation would be in order. But IL MILs seem to be a breed apart, and the most you can do, I would think, is just let it go (it actually pains me to type this, but there it is).

It is not actually hurting you, except on an emotional/psychological level. This is important in some situations, but again, we have a double standard here. Since you are not physically prejudiced by her childishness ("I will give you a sweet because I like you, but no sweets for you!" - I can just imagine a bratty 2-year-old doing this) - you are not starving, after all - just put it down to her being a product of a somewhat deficient upbringing.

In an ideal world, your husband would step up and do the right thing, and explain to his mother that two people = two servings of food offered. But maybe he enjoys pretending he is a small boy again, being pampered by his mother. While that is also disconcerting, if it is true, it may not be the end of the world.

I hope this validates your feelings. Yes, you have every right to feel affronted every time you are ignored/dismissed/put in your place in this way. But I can feel it in my bones - this sort of behavior WILL die out with this generation. It simply cannot persist in the world we live in now.

sunshine1970 · Oct 10, 2013

Oh my goodness you Ansuya you write so eloquently. I totally agree with you, and kind of knew this deep in side but just could not come to terms with it. Even if my DH says something we both know (him and I ) that she will not change. Any my therapist has says to me many many times view your MIL as a 2 year old that has temper tantrums and you just look away and shake your head. You are right it is not the end of the world, these are the last few things that I get annoyed about, trust me I have really worked hard on being indifferent and emotionally detached from her. A lot of times I think it is her way of putting me in my place and I will win if I don't let it bother me. Funny thing is she does this constantly and when people are over but because she is such a bully type and confrontational no one bothers saying anything because not worth the battle. Thanks so much for your kind words.